Parents, Wali (Guardians) Please Be Open Minded

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Parents have a responsibility of at least meeting their children’s potential spouse. The refusal could lead to cutting off ties of kinship (which is not permissible in Islam) and the children running away together simply because you aren’t open minded about their wants and needs. Parents think they are always right in the end and what I want for my children is always best. That may be correct but at the same time, you are only looking into your wants and needs which differ from your children’s, as they are created differently.

Many times children are put into difficult situations, where it is my family or my spouse to be? Eventually, the ego within the refusal of the parents, turns into marriage happening secretly, zina (sex) where the woman ends up getting pregnant or the ties of kinship getting broken.

Parents should be open minded about meeting the individual. This is their future, as you’ have done your best to shape theirs. Not everything will go your way and they will not do everything as you have dreamed of. Islam is more than just skin colour, traditions and cultures. It is firstly, eman (faith) and good character. If that individual, spouse to be has that, allow the marriage to happen by putting your ego aside and being open minded. You have done your best to protect your best investment, which is your children but refusals after refusals and giving you an understanding will led to things that will hurt your children and hurt you.

Don’t ever allow it to lead to that point. Please, be open minded. Meet them, so your children feel as if they are important even though you made them feel that way their whole life. They want to create a future which is fitting for them, so allow them that choice as you can’t protect them their whole life. Tie your camel and leave the rest to Allah SWT.

*This article is only a follow up to another article I’ve written*

https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2013/04/11/can-i-marry-in-secrecy-think-reflect/

How To Fight Your Battles: Press Play

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We constantly battle ourselves everyday of our simple or busy lives. Our battles lie within several tunnels within our mind, within our heart and our subconscious. At times it eats us away with every little bite taken, sucking out every bit of life out of you. The ones we deal with, we seem to think, it is irregular or because I am not normal because I think this way or feel this way. We constantly think of ourselves to be not of the norm. The problems we are facing in our lives seems to be only our problems and nobody can understand them. At times we say to ourselves, “nobody knows how I feel!” We let out a big sigh and we just want to escape this world through a matrix or live in a dream.

Our battles stem beyond a predisposition which in fact, we’ve injected into our own mind, allowing us to believe our problems will never go away. The battles we face are just terrifying or things we will never overcome never matter the advice given. No matter who is listening and no matter who is giving the advice. The sad fact is, we seem to be comfortable staying there as we’ve constantly embedded this thought of these battles never ending. Whether it has to do with our appearance, the jobs we have, the relationship issues we face with our family or our spouse. The battles seem terrifying to let go, so as the days, months, years go on, we are still in the same predicament. When I mean let go, I do not mean, end these relationships or get plastic surgery.

Rather I mean, be proactive in your battles. Face them head on and don’t look back. Our mind flutters with nervousness, with things that we have not even faced. We are so consumed with the future, that our present is road blocks after road blocks after road blocks preventing the future from happening. I like to say, life does not pause for you so press play on life.

You see, when we have these battles, nothing in our lives remains the same. You know this and I know this. Our smile turns into this big ugly frown. The bags under our eyes have formed because of the tears and the lack of sleep. The relationship between you and your spouse has become distant, even with your parents.

If we were to really think about all this. All the problems we are going through. We would obviously like to put the blame on others. It makes us feel less guilty about the situations we are in. He did this, they did that, I explained, they won’t listen and it goes until the list never ends. When one blame gets countered, we come up with another just so we feel less guilty. This in fact is true. Regardless of the situations you are in or have been in, lets face it, the blame game is the most easiest one to play because it makes us feel as if we are the victims. You may be in fact the victim but you have played a role in becoming the victim in the first place. Knowingly or unknowingly we’ve put ourselves there because of either a lack of communication between family members, between your spouse. When it comes to appearance we constantly compare ourselves to others and this brings down our self-esteem. We are not content with the way we look. We are not content with how our lips, nose, eyes, hands or something we have been blessed with, while it has been taken away from another, we are unhappy with.

The first step in facing our battles is facing them every single day our lives. No matter what it takes. No matter what is in your way. No matter even if takes you to lift up a car as if you are the Incredible Hulk and toss it, you have to be proactive in overcoming your battles. Life is about being proactive. It just doesn’t simply happen. Allah SWT says in the Quran and this should be a reminder for all of us. In Surah Ar’Rad, Allah SWT says: “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” How true is this verse in the Quran? We all have applied this verse every single day our of lives. You may ask, how? I don’t understand, how? When you and I are feeling hungry, what do we do? We change the condition of our hunger. When we are sleepy, what do we do? We change the condition our tired bodies and rest them. You may say, this is all too simple because it is applied through repetition, as it has become the norm for us.

You see, the solution to your battles is all so simple. You’ve probably answered; it is simple because I do it everyday. Did you read and hear yourself correctly? I do it everyday. It is because you’ve made the effort of attempting to change the condition of hunger, so you eat. It is because you’ve made the effort of attempting change the condition of your tired body, so you sleep. You now understand, it is all about application, for your brain to process what it needs to understand that YOU are in control. You cannot hesitate as you did not hesitate to eat or sleep, even though it is simple and it has become the norm.

In order to face your battles everyday, you must apply a solution and be proactive in finding if that solution will work. With your appearance, you must accept everything about you and also remember, there is someone else with less of the blessings you have but have accepted them and are happy. You can obviously change your weight but you must do it for the correct reasons and not be extreme in it either. You can become fit or whatever it is you want to be. Even the battles you have with your spouse or your family members, your parents, face them. Readily accept them, face them and address them. Most issues in life don’t get addressed because we are afraid to address them, which only sinks our ship of communication which we are supposed to use. We use it with our friends, our co-workers and even with strangers but we are afraid to voice ourselves to people we love. How odd is that?

Today, whatever the battles you face. You must apply a method, a solution, a plan in order to conquer them. The battles need to be addressed, they don’t need to pile up and then it is an odd battle but you have to outnumber them within your mind. Within your voice. Within your understanding that these battles are unnecessary and have only caused a great deal of stress in my life, which has put a short coming to me being successful in my marriage. With me being happy about my appearance. With me having a better relationship with my parents. With me just being happy with myself, no matter the circumstances in my life. You must begin this proactive life in order for you to live a life with happiness. With contentment, with an understanding that these battles are no longer a priority in your life. YOU are the priority in your life. Your happiness is the priority. Learn to accept yourself and everything around you, while being proactive in changing the conditions with a smile on your face. No, really, with a smile on your face. Acceptance is the first step, communicating is second, being proactive is the third and being happy completes it. Do your part, tie your camel and then leave the rest to Allah SWT.

Don’t doubt yourself because your ability is superior to what you’ve assumed about yourself all this time. There are only 3 words you need to know. I can, I will, I must. Apply these words and walk forward, through those doors and accomplish, break down what you’ve always feared, which are your battles in life. You’ve been capable all this time and you know you are capable. So go ahead, do it. Press play on life.

Why Women Get Played (Be Wanted, Not Needed)

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For many years, I have helped many people resolve issues in their lives. A lot of the issues I have helped address, have been relationship issues. Many of them pertaining women and how they have been treated by men. A lot of them seem to be left in a state of confusion with “men” who attempt to take the role of men, only ending up to be boys. Women who are easily swayed by words are usually the ones getting left and abused by these so called “men.” Saying all the right types of words they want to hear. I will explain below, as best as I can to address this issue and why women, nice women, get treated like dirt. Inshallah

The issue always begin with the woman always choosing and chasing the wrong type of guy. Every time I have talked to a woman, they usually end up with a douche bag, who has no idea how to treat his woman. They are easily swayed by words and this itself creates the problem in the first place. Words are manipulative and they are usually meaningless, unless there is a right intention behind it, which usually isn’t in this case.

It leads them down a dark road, which seems bright, with an imagination filled with love and romance. Which they believe is love and romance, which is nothing but an easy score for the guy. They wear their heart on the sleeve and continue to play through this charade the guy has put up, while the woman, believing everything the guy says and does. It leads to heartache and heart break, with so much to lose because usually they begin to lose their trust towards men in the future.

Again, words are manipulative and women are easily victim to these things. They continue to believe in this act of love and romance, which again, is nothing but their imagination coming into play. Women love to be loved and want to be loved. They want romance, well some do because it plays to their imagination which they have created for themselves. Most men easily understand these things because they know, a woman wants to be needed and they loved to be pampered. These things don’t come in the form of words now, they come in the form of gifts, which they believe is love now, is romance being portrayed.

Women will show they love their significant other, they will want attention in return because it’s what they believe is needed. It’s what women want, is the attention and the need to be loved because if they aren’t getting it in return, they feel torn apart because it is what they feel deserve. Men, again take advantage of this, creating distance, creating separation and only creating a mental and trust issue in the long run. When creating distance between each other, the woman craves the man more and shows more affection towards him because she feels she isn’t loving him enough. So she does all sorts of things to get his attention. Some do whatever the man says, just because they believe they are in love and want the love in return.

This is definitely a wrong way to handle yourself because you aren’t benefiting from the situation. You are only giving into their demand and charade which they acted out quite carefully. In the end, the man ends up leaving because he got what he needed. Now, the woman is left confused for many months. When it comes to men and women, women are not the type to get over a heart break easily. They will carry through this heart break for months. Not forgetting the things happening to them. They will drag themselves through the day and destroying relationships and friendships between those who are close them. It also destroys trust and love, for those who actually want to give it in return to them.

If only women were aware of these words and the actions that may come into play. If women only learned from their mistakes and did not destroy the trust lost between the past and the present. What happens in the past, should only be a lesson to be learned for the present and the future. I believe, women should definitely stand their ground when it comes to men and not give in so easily. Lay down the law and let men know that come into your life, if you aren’t marrying me, you aren’t having me in any shape, way or form.

This way, it lets the man know, what she actually wants from the relationship. Those who intend to stay, usually act out their words and not leave them as words. Let the boys play the games with the girls, who refuse to listen and only want to give a piece of action in return. Let the women, the strong, the powerful, the believing in love and real romance type, to find the ideal guy, who shows what she is worth.

Stop trying to be easy targets and stop trying to create unnecessary attention. It is what places you in these situations which leave you heart broken and seem think you were worthless. Love yourself before you seek to love others. Men love those types of strong, powerful, standing their ground type women. Intelligent women. Be wanted, not needed. Being wanted creates more of an attraction and being needed only puts you on the shelf where I know, you don’t want to belong.

My Experience with “love”

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*I wrote this a couple of years ago and I had stumbled across this on my facebook notes. It is one of my favourite pieces as it shows growth, maturity and understanding. Insha’Allah, it helps you in some way. Enjoy!

As a kid growing up, I wasn’t the most handsome looking guy. I wasn’t even worth while looking at. I remember in high school a girl said to me, literally; “you look uglier than last year.” When she said that, my friend was right beside me and all he could do was chuckle. I never had a low self esteem nor did I ever think I was this ugly looking guy as she perceived because as the years went on, she found something about my physical presence that did attract her which was weird.

There was something about myself which I had a hard time understanding. I was never out looking for love but I did write about it a lot. I guess in a way I found peace in myself whenever i wrote about it. I would write poems but then, eventually you branch out of your writings and try to live within your imagination. Which I believe everyone attempts to do. Whenever I’d feel for a certain girl, I’d write about it not knowing how I exactly felt. Whether it was love or lust or a life lesson which I eventually learned as I matured.

Love was definitely a new feeling. I didn’t expect it to hit me the way it did when I actually fell in “love.” I didn’t expect things to go the way it did. I didn’t expect things to bubble out that way I imagined them because I always imagined a certain, perfect, love life. Her and I would be happy, there wouldn’t be many fights and life goes on. Like a fairytale, right? I imagined things would go smooth and when fights would occur, we would fix these things. See, I thought this was actually love.

I eventually went on with this experience of “love” that I was mystified by. It took over my mind, it took over the way I’d do certain things. My day-to-day actions as a person changed. I was no longer this individual many others knew but i was a different person because I believed I had “love” in my life. Was I happy in this state? Of course I was. Anyone who has ever been in love knows how it feels to be in love but no one knows how it actually feels when reality hits you. When things you believe that were written for you never occur, even though your imagination is all over the place, trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle. You attempt to put these pieces of the puzzle of love together. To Make sure everything is right and nothing should go wrong. That is what we all believe, right? Again, a fairytale.

My love experiences have been insane. Has it broken my soul as a man? I believe not because I believe everything that has happened to me in my life, has made me a much wiser person. Has made me aware of the harsh realities of life and how people react to certain emotions. Genuine emotions, false emotions, physical emotions. They all came with the good and the bad. The bad was my life taking a drastic turn because I eventually realized this love…. was not love at all. It was far from love because I attempted to make things permissible when it was never permissible. It was against the laws of my nature. The book of my life, that was written before I was even born.

I tried to be this individual who couldn’t seize the moment of life, when “love” was going bad. I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t grasp these moments as they were transpiring. I was wondering what I did wrong and each time something went wrong, I attempted to fix it because I was ignorant and I didn’t want to let go of this “love” that entered my soul. I didn’t understand that this love was fabricated by these movies we are introduced to. Cartoons we watch of Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse, showing us how happily they are in love. I didn’t understand any of it. I let it take control of my life. I was happy maybe for a few months but then that happiness was gone. My heart was shifting from a very warm, loving person to a very cold hearted person because “love” exited my life.

These moments of love exiting my life were very, very, difficult. It left me in a state of confusion and still at that time, I was ignorant. I didn’t understand how and exactly why these things kept happening or as we say “to me, why me?”

Then reality hit me. I felt comfortable in my own skin because I understood that these types of “love” were created by someone else and we were just trying to live through someone else fantasies. We attempt to create all types of dreams, that we believe will come true, through our actions but they were never our actions. We carried ourselves through someone else visions of love. We hesitated to live with ourselves because we were seeking something that was out of reach but we made it seem it was so close to us.

Love may seem scary but in fact, it is far from scary. Real love which I am honestly still seeking I am not afraid of. The fabricated love I am definitely afraid of because it’s not that I don’t understand it, it’s the hardships it puts you through. The life lessons that come with it are great but that’s all they were. To help shape you to become a better individual. I’ve learned lessons through having relationships that I wanted to work out but never ended up working. You put your whole life and soul into it. You give it your all and then it just all falls apart.

Some of us will never understand that what we are actually chasing, has always been out of reach. That girl has always been out of reach but as you try to get closer to her, she just seems to get further, further away. Not in that sense she doesn’t want you but in your heart she’s more further away then she is actually close to you. Your mind plays tricks on you. Saying, you love her. Saying all these types of things because you want to be loved so bad and show love so bad. You want to share that happiness that you see others express walking through the streets. That others display so openly. You crave for it but it was never real. You just attempted to put visions of others and some of your imagination together to make it seem like it was real and coming true.

You see, love is very tricky. You either know you are in love or you think you are in love. When you know you are in love, your passion, your livelihood, your personality, a lot of things change about you. When you think you are in love, you chase materialistic things. You chase dinners. You chase movies. You chase these visions that others placed in our minds, that make it seem that we are in love. So we continue to chase it and in the end, we are left lifeless. We are left with nothing because we feel our other half has actually left us and we can’t live no more. We have nothing to live for. When it is not necessarily true because that other half was never our other half, that is why it never worked. That is why each time you attempted to put the pieces of the puzzle together, it would just all fall apart.

I think love is great. Real love is great but fabricated love can and will leave you scarred. It will leave you displaced as an individual. You will be searching to find your soul rather than a soul mate, that’s how harsh fabricated love can be. I am not saying, real love can’t do this but fabricated love which everyone seems to be chasing happens more often.

Don’t be afraid to love, share love, share love with those who aren’t afraid to share it with you but understand certain things occur because it has been written for you. You either didn’t understand the lesson that was placed in front of you or you were so caught up in “love” that when you did understand it, it was to late and your soul was broken.

My soul is no longer broken. My experiences of love have helped me understand people much better. It has made me aware of these harsh realities and It’s life. I no longer chase this fabricated love even though it made me a better person. It showed me how to love when I do find my wife. Loving is not just about words or actions, it’s about the peace you feel when you are with that person as well. Fabricated love will never make you happy. It never will because we try to live visions, stories of others we have read about. We want this love or that love but we need to find our love before we seek to love others more than anything else.

Love is great, love is beautiful and I am a lover but not a lover of fabricated love. Don’t go soul searching with every female or male you come across. Just let things happen the way it’s meant to happen. Life will take its course and you will find whomever it is your meant to be with. Most important of all, always ask Allah for everything in this life.