Divorcees Are Human Too

broken heart

 

People who are divorced are not some alien type creatures or have a flesh eating disease if you touch them. All too often you hear people say, “don’t marry them! they are divorced!” By far the most ignorant thing for people to say. Some people are divorced because they weren’t as compatible with their spouses as they once thought they were. Some are divorced because they couldn’t bare the physical or verbal abuse they have been receiving. Some are divorced because their spouse has continuously cheated on them so they took a stance and decided to leave. As many of us would leave too if we were under some of those circumstances.

People who are divorced aren’t diseased, animals or monsters. They are humans just like us. We all feel for the need of companionship so we shouldn’t ignore those who are divorced. Even used cars have several good things about them and so do houses that are old. Don’t be ignorant. A persons divorce doesn’t make them less compatible or not fit for a relationship. If that was the case, all failed friendships would only entitle one thing, we are bad friends and we shouldn’t have anymore but that proves to be false. We make new friends and still have friends after losing friends.

So don’t look down upon someone or disregard someone for marriage because they are divorced. There are several qualities in them that you are missing out on because of a title that has been stereotyped by the ignorant and the misguided. Everyone deserves a chance, just as you’ve been chances all your life.

 

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What’s Love Got To Do With It

I had just finished reading an article titled “Whats Love Got To Do With It” by Abu Esa Niamatullah and he touched on a few things in that article about pre-marriage and marriage. I will post a link at the bottom. As many of you know from my writings, I seem to write a lot about marriage for some odd reason but it just seems to happen. Abu Esa had touched on quite a few things in that article which I found to be really true. So I thought, I’d just share my opinion which was influenced and inspired by that article.

What he says in the article is true. Those that marry for looks and wealth, eventually vanish. It is the same as owning a vehicle that has first come out. The ride is fly and the interior is dope. The perks that come with it are great. Heated and leather seats, GPS and all that but once you’ve spent enough time with it, there is another vehicle out there that is better than that so you part ways with that vehicle and go buy another one. The “love” for it fades and another new love grows for something else because you’ve only looked at the physical part of the car, people in general buy cars because of how it looks.

It’s the same when it comes to a spouse. After looking at her/him a million times, you say masha’Allah, you are beautiful/handsome. After spending the wealth, you say, masha’Allah, you are very wealthy but if there is nothing else that comes with them, then you’ve pretty much lost yourself, hurt yourself and hurt them because it’ll more than likely go no where else and the marriage itself will fade, just like clothes that have been washed several times.

When you do find someone as Abu Esa has said in the article, that fears Allah and has not been touched by another man, coming out of heart breaking relationships you will possibly be in good hands but this does not mean, you will not have issues or the marriage itself will be successful because Allah is the best of planners and the test that come in marriage itself, no one knows and no one knows the strength of a person either and how they will deal with things when there comes a point in that relationship pressure is put on and the pipes are about to burst.

If you want to marry someone who has a degree or has a PhD because you’ve attained one, feel free to marry that person who also has one because you want the best for yourself. Don’t just set up things where if the person who has everything about them that you like but doesn’t have a PhD don’t just turn that person down. A person with or without a degree shouldn’t be a measuring stick in marriage if that person has everything you have been looking for. As he also touched in his article, it has become the main reason men go back home to their countries marrying someone who probably does not hold a degree or is not as educated as someone in their current city. They feel this woman will not shoot him down and he can be the man on throne and can’t be challenged by someone who may be more intellectual than him and will just do as he pleases. It is a pretty close minded reason to do so to take advantage of someone who has not been given the means to educate themselves compared to people who have had it handed to them. I know parents who say, marry someone who is a door knob because she will do whatever you want and won’t challenge you. That is also close minded and thinking low of a person and also taking advantage of them, which we shouldn’t do. The less one knows, the less one will speak and just obey. Isn’t it what the media expects of us? The government as well? That’s a different topic, of course.

He also touches on married couples compromising. If you cannot compromise even a few things in marriage, you will cause so many problems for yourself in the marriage. You will cause so many issues that shouldn’t even be there. Marriage is always going to be about two people. Your parents may have given you everything and always given you your way because you’ve cried and pouted but it isn’t going to work the same here when you are married. More than likely, that person won’t take your crap eventually and then may end up leaving you or they’ll be distant from you. You’ll still live in the same house but will be distant. That relationship will start to crumble, so you must learn to compromise. Your wishes, your own desires may end up becoming secondary as your decisions will either make that person happy or will anger that person. It becomes a thinking game. It becomes what is more important and who is more important? Although one must not sacrifice their Islam nor compromise their Islam for anyone, no matter what the situation is. Put the egos, the pride aside and learn to work together. All teams that have won championships won because they have learned to work together. No team in the history of any sport has won because of just one single person. A person on the team may be the star player but it took team work, communication, practice to be a championship quality team.

Learn to also appreciate your significant other. Say a few good words whenever you feel it should be said. If your wife looks beautiful, say you look beautiful. If your husband looks handsome, say he is handsome. If you love your husband, say I love you. If you love your wife, say I love you. If you find something your wife wears and you think she looks like the moon in the sky, which is amazingly beautiful, ask her to wear it and compliment her. Same can be said about your husband. I know Mufti Menk posted a status today about women not dressing up in their homes but get dressed up to leave the house without their husbands. It’s because the husbands have not taken the time to even look at their wives and give her a compliment, so she is out getting compliments and gazes from other people. I remember in a lecture a husband had never complimented his wife cooking in 25 years and the lecturer had given a compliment about the food and the wife started crying. He had asked her, why are you crying? She said, in the 25 years I have been married, my husband has never complimented my cooking and here you are, the first day eating my food and you’ve told me it’s good. Don’t shy away from these moments because your spouse does want to feel appreciated, women more in general. They know they are loved but they want to be told they are loved. Just as Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) had to confirm that the Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) had loved her. She would ask: “How is your love for me?” The Messenger Of Allah would reply, “like the rope’s knot.” Even many times after she would ask, “how is the knot?” and again, he would reply, “the same as ever!” So take the opportunity to reassure to your wife you love her even though there are many things you may do, that shows you love her. Women love to hear the words that they are loved, so say it. Women are created differently from men.

In the end, just be patient. New marriages are just like new jobs. It takes patience and it takes time for everything to fit together. You won’t get along with your new co-workers just as yet but once you make that effort to get to know them, it’ll eventually work. Same as marriage. You must constantly make that effort and always be willing to take an extra step forward to make things right., for everything to fit and not everyday will be like the first day of marriage and not everyday will be you two fighting but if you are two willing to look past the smaller issues and just really and truly work together and love each other for the Sake Of Allah, Insha’Allah, things will work.

Article: http://kalamullah.com/whats-love.html

Making The Right Choice

When it comes to healthy relationships, It all comes down to the rights given to the spouses. If you are giving your husband his rights, which has been decreed by Allah, then things will be smooth. If you give your wife her rights which has been decreed by Allah, then things will be smooth.Everyone and their momma want to be competitive and ego driven. They want to compete with their spouse and see who brings in the most money. If one of them is supposed to “fill” that role and is bringing in less money, then it becomes an issue. Is your husband fulfilling his Islamic rights to you? If yes, then you have to stop complaining. Is he doing his best? If yes, then stop complaining. Is your wife fulfilling her Islamic rights to you? If yes, then stop complaining. Is she doing her best? If yes, then stop complaining.

If you feel and need to choose to marry a person that is not a Muslim, then that it is your choice and you will have to deal with the consequences and difficulties that come with it, which is not easy. If you feel there is a lack of “intellectual, career driven” men out there, then sister there might be something on your part that you are doing wrong. Something in these men that you don’t want. You are probably being too picky or you want things done a certain way or you want to change him or you probably are just chasing and being disappointed by the same type of individuals. Maybe you need to broaden your searches and get people involved to help you find a person which may be suitable for you.

If your deen is lacking and the only thing you are worried about is finding someone who is “intellectual and career driven” then maybe you are chasing only the dunya and as the “voice in our head” says, don’t worry, you can practice Islam when you are older. You got time. I’ll only tell you, you are not promised that time. 

Your husband has his rights over you and some men do want their wife to raise their kids and if that is his thing, then that is his right over you. The men have to understand though, you can’t just oppress her with this type of mentality. Yes, what you say to your wife, she must obey and listen but it must not be oppressive and not emotionally affect her and your relationship. Maybe you need sit down with your wife and ask her what makes her happy and if wanting a career in a field which she put her tears, sleep and health into, then let her go out and at least experience it. Do your part to remind her though, as the reminder is for yourself, that Islam comes first and the kids and myself have a right over you too as she has her rights over you as well. 

In this life, you want to be single and you feel, eh, my life is less complicated without all the drama from a significant other, it doesn’t mean, the drama stops. There will be other dramas and there will be other tests. If it is not your spouse, it is someone in the family or someone in the workforce or a friend. Getting married is a sunnah and we shouldn’t have that mentality that having a partner is over-rated. It kind of says, Half Our Deen, is over-rated and what Allah and the Messenger Of Allah has prescribed is not the truth. 

We just have to remain open-minded and attempt to keep it as simple as possible. If you can find what the Messenger Of Allah has said in his hadiths. A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religion (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. He also said a woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. He had also said in another hadith, the whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. Also, when someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. If these requirements about finding a righteous spouse are there, then we should follow that because the Messenger Of Allah was sent to us, to rectify our intentions, help us stay on the right path and correct what was incorrect for so many years, during the ignorant times and if we want to stay towards the ignorant ways, then you are free to do that. Allah has given the Children Of Adam choice. 

And Allah knows best.

When Seeking A Spouse

When seeking a spouse, you are looking for a person that is ideal for you. If a person comes along and is not ideal for you, do not go and attempt to customize them in order to fulfill that ideal image.

People are not like restaurant menu items, where you are able to customize your dish and remove things and add things that you desire. You can substitute the rice for pasta, salad with or without croutons, spicy or mild, etc.

People come as they are, with good manners or bad manners. Smokers or non-smokers, praying salaah or does not pray salaah, hijab or no hijab. You cannot customize them. That is up to them to decide and realize what is beneficial and what is not. If the person is not ideal for you, be patient because Allah knows and you do not. Leave that which makes you doubt for that which does not make you doubt.

Learn To Appreciate Your Significant Other

Learn to appreciate your significant other. They don’t HAVE to do anything for you but they do things for you because they appreciate you and you complaining and ordering your significant other around, will not make your significant other do those things for you. They will fight you back just as you order your them around. A simple please and thank you will go along way. If you want something done, learn to compromise.

You may want to eat a specific dish today but your significant other is tired or simply does not want to make it or dislikes it. Instead of being angry and ordering them around, compromise in this situation and say, how about sometime this week you make such and such or if you want them to wear an outfit you like say, because I think it looks really nice on you and it compliments your personality or your character as a person, it makes you and I look together as one.

Being able to correctly word your thoughts goes a long way. It either escalates a situation into being something you didn’t want it to be or it makes a situation easy to come together and complete.

Don’t Compare Your Marriage

Don’t compare your marriage to another persons marriage. That person may display their love differently compared to you and your spouse and somethings your spouse may do better than another persons spouse and another person may want that but you don’t appreciate that. What you already have is already better than what you had. Don’t go messing things up because of what you don’t have but be happy with you have.

It’s different if your spouse is not displaying love to you at all, then you speak to them but if you already have something good, don’t go asking for more and more and more because another person has it. Your spouse may love you more physically while another persons spouse loves them emotionally or affectionately or is more compassionate, etc. You are not going to get the total package because some may only display what they are taught or what they feel they should be doing.

Communication breaks all barriers so if you are looking to express yourself and you don’t know how, communicate in forms which is comfortable to you. Communication doesn’t have to be verbally. If you are good at writing, then write a letter. If you are a romantic type, set something up for your spouse which they’ll enjoy. People have a major misconception of how love should be displayed and then they compare to others. Just be comfortable in your skin and love your spouse to the best of your ability but if you are not doing your part, then best believe, you are creating a sink hole in your marriage and the longer you neglect your spouse, the sink hole becomes wider and deeper.