Dealing With Rejection

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Rejection is apart of life and not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to hate you and not everyone is going to want to fall in love with you. There is no such thing as “love at first sight” because that isn’t actually love at all, that is lust. Lust is a temporary feeling, a desire that appears and gives you a feeling or a sensation you think is love. Love will never appear at first sight, nor will it appear through several sights. Love develops through time.

Being rejected sucks and it is one of the worst feelings but you have to understand, we all are attracted to each other differently. Your beauty, your looks may not be attractive to that one individual but will be attractive to many other individuals but you are thinking, that doesn’t matter, I only want that person but guess what? The reality is, it’s not going to happen. Now, you can attempt to force them to like you but you are looking extremely desperate when you are doing that. If someone is genuinely interested in you, there is no need to force someone to get your attention because they already have it. Don’t force them to like you because if they see you are desperate, you can be taken advantage of and that is worse than being rejected. You are going to get played and end up with a bigger broken heart.

Just because you were rejected doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It’ll obviously hurt you a bit but there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t ugly, you aren’t stupid, you aren’t whatever you think you are because it is not true. You just aren’t for them and they aren’t for you. You belong in someone else’s life that is why it didn’t happen between the two of you. You are going to be beautiful/handsome to someone else and they wont find another person as attractive as you.

You will be rejected several times in your life. Look at all the jobs you were rejected from but you didn’t give up and feel hopeless did you? No, you didn’t because you wanted to either make money or start a job in your career. It is apart of life and not everyone is going to apart of it, especially the person you want. That’s the harsh reality and don’t expect me to sugar coat it for you but really and truly, there is going to be someone else who is going to fall in love with you for 30 or 40 years and probably more longer than that depending on how long Allah SWT gives you two a life for and end up in Jannah together. Take it as something good and not as something bad. You’ll be fine…seriously, you’ll be fine.

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Expectations Vs Reality

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If you are not married as of yet, asl yourself if it is your expectations that have been pushing away the potentials that you have come across. Every person has a right to expectations but sometimes it is our own expectations that may seem unrealistic or fantasy like that destroys something that could have been good. If all you are looking for is wealth, know that this wealth will not help you buy to fix your marital problems. If you are looking for degrees, know these degrees can’t help you fix your marital problems.

Look for something within the individual that no wealth can acquire and no degree can earn. Each of us have this uniquely, blessed gift, called personality and characteristics. These are two treasures each of us hold and no matter where you search in the world, you will not find someone with the same. You may find someone who has something better but the search for something better may come too late or may never come.

Hold onto someone who has been blessed to come your way with a positive attitude, personality, characteristics and someone you are also attracted to. Wealth is required to build a home but does not build love, compassion, sympathy, closeness, romance, sweetness and more, nor do degrees. Look to build with what you’ve been blessed with and know it is Allah SWT that will provide through his rizq (provisions) to make your marriage the best it can be, as long as effort is made.

We all have choices in life. Make the best choice that will build a happy home and not a broken home when a degree no longer matters and wealth disappears.

What Is Love

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Love is about appreciation, patience, care, compromise, sacrifice, understanding, support, positivity, affection, team work.

Love is not about oppression, discouragement, negativity, anger, slavery, physical abuse.

Love is about sweetness in words, actions, a look in the eyes, a kiss, a hug, embracing one another.

Love is not about adultery, cheating, lying or stealing.

So why is it so hard to love one another, when it all so easy? We are all out chasing those who don’t love us but those who love us, don’t get our time and when we lose their time and patience, we hope to have it back. Love whomever you want to love but love them with sincerity and trust. Love them unconditionally. Love them as if tomorrow will never come and make amends to arguments and fights, as those are destructive and making amends heals. Do not delay being affectionate to one another, showing each other “I love you.” Each individual has put in time and effort, hoping to never lose you and understand that time is valuable and could be spent else where. Learn to appreciate them before tomorrow never comes or they want to leave and never want to come back. Show yourself, prove yourself, never be hidden in a glass bottle hoping to escape for air, as that air keeps you tight in your lungs and leaves a tightness in your chest. Be open with who you are and be free from criticism because those who love you will never criticize you for who you are but will rather accept you and help you improve. Love is so vast it is as vast as the ocean deep with beautiful creatures each uniquely created. As beautiful as the coral reef with it’s vivid colours just flowing freely in the waters. Love is so much more than we know but we grow to hate it because our experiences in life make us bitter, as if we tasted the end of it. Love will never end but it ends when you think it’ll end. Everything about love is mental and actions. If you think it, it’ll become it and you can do it, so think positively about love as Allah did put love and mercy between our hearts. Don’t give it away cheaply or freely but give it to those who deserve it because not everyone who comes into our lives are deserving but each individual deserves a chance to prove themselves to you. This also doesn’t mean, each individual deserves your time and if you are not feeling it, then it’s best not to mess with their love which is truly genuine as it will create an experience which will lead to bitter beginnings, as this may not be an ending for them. We all are created to give love and have love but not to be taken advantage of the love given. Be intelligent and never wear your heart on your sleeve. Wearing it on your sleeve is like holding meat in front of a pack of lions and everyone will want a bite of it, while you receive nothing but scars. Love can be taken past mountains and past the stars but the question is, do you want that? How much do you want to prove your love to someone but you never did because you were scared of commitment or scared you’ll never get it back? You can be scared all your life but if you don’t choose to experience life itself, you’ll never know what love and life feels like. And heartbreaks aren’t easy and they never will be, they come with love but those who cherish you, will never intend to break your heart but rather heal it from the form it was left in by those who never appreciated you. Love is not evil and never has been. We have just been in situations that have given a misconception of love and how it should feel. Love should never be defined by those who ruined it and love should always be defined by those who are genuine enough to show it and live it. Each tale of our lives, defines what love should be and what it will be. Love is about better beginnings, never about bitter endings because after the bitterness wears off, we always look for something sweet to repair it. Love with every part of you and never give half of yourself but give yourself fully. Commit, appreciate, show what you mean and be who you are. Love is going to be tears and love is going to be sleepless nights but a love that is meaningful wipes aways those tears and helps you sleep at night. Love can be explained in many different ways but to me, this is what love is and probably more.

Advice: Regarding Your Post on Solutions For a Heartbreak

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(She had allowed me to share her story)

 

Assalamu alaykum Malik Shabazz,

My name is ——- and I would like to thank you for writing “Solutions For a Heartbreak”. Jazakallah khair. It has helped put some things into perspective for me. I was still left with one question however. I’ve tried moving on for about a year now and every time I was able to get back on my feet, he would come into my life and bring me down again. The mistake I made was allowing us to be “friends” after. He would treat me like a friend one day, and more than that on others that it would give me hope. When I saw him pursuing someone else, it hurt me so much that I had to cut off all contact with him for the sake of my sanity. But even now that I’ve done that, I still can’t avoid him. He comes to my university to see her and they hang out at the places where I go to for either class or studying. And if not at university, I see him in downtown with her. I’ve tried to mend the rifts, realize that what we had in the first place was haraam, and let go of everything but I still feel so hurt when I see him. We’ve been together for about three years and I sincerely believed I loved him and I still do. I keep having thoughts like “he’s doing the exact same things with her as he did with me” or “what’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to marry me?”. I try so hard to be thankful to Allah and seek His forgiveness and accept that this is what was written for me. And every time I feel like I’ve come to terms with it, I see him and these thoughts come back into my mind. I feel so lost and everything in my minds seems so blurry and I don’t know who to turn to after Allah for advice. We have so many mutual friends it’s difficult for me to not run into him. Do you have any advice on how I can avoid him? Or how I can pick myself up more quickly after I see him? If you have time, your advice is very much appreciated.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing. It has helped me in many ways. May Allah reward you and give you the best in this life and the hereafter.
Wa salaam,
———
Walikhum salam, ——-. I clicked on your google+ profile and it says you are from Toronto! WOOHOO! A Torontonian like myself! That’s awesome!!

It’s really good that you let him go and let him stop hurting you. That’ was a huge step and you seen what he was doing to you. You’ve realized the value of yourself and you’ve believed you should not be treated like this anymore and you obviously deserve better. That is huge progress and many women do not do this. Instead, they continue to be treated badly but still pursue the man, hurting themselves over and over again. Be proud of yourself as you overcome a huge obstacle that many fail to see and realize.
In this situation you are going through, you have two options. Only two options. You either leave the university you are going to, avoid downtown and cut off all the mutual friends you have with each other and let him know he controls your affairs. He controls your heart. He controls your mind. He controls the way you live and he is basically in control of everything you do. Basically, he owns you.
Option number two is. You are strong and no matter how many times you see him with that other woman. No matter how many times you see him downtown. No matter how many times you mix with your mutual friends, you are strong because you are in control of how you feel. He does not control of how you feel and he has never have. He may have for that temporary moment in your lives together but he no longer does. People only have a such minor effect on us that we let them control the major parts of our body. That is our brain and our heart. He doesn’t own neither of those things. You can run away from him but running away never solves anyone’s problems. It’s obviously difficult to see him with someone else because you obviously saw a future with him. You planned a lot together and spent a lot of time together but after that, it never progressed. When facing anything in your life, you must face it standing tall and never be afraid of that moment. You are in control of who you are and will always be. The people on the outside, the people that were temporarily there, never controlled you but you allowed them to be this huge, massive, important person who was able to do as they pleased. If they wanted you to be unhappy, you became unhappy. If you wanted to be happy, you became happy. When giving people control of you, this is what happens. You control whether you should be happy or whether you should be sad and not any other individual. You tie your camel and leave the rest to Allah, that’s how life works.
Heartbreak is tough. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever dealt with but it builds so much character. It makes you understand the value of yourself. It makes you understand the value of your friends. It makes you love who you are. It makes you see your flaws that you work on them and you love them because it makes you who you are. People take heartbreak as such a terrible thing but it has built so many great people and made them value themselves even more. After this, value yourself like you’ve NEVER valued yourself in your life because you deserve it. Not from anyone else but from yourself. We are in control of minor things in our lives but the major things is in Allah’s hand and will always be. Whatever was meant to come your way was going to come and you would never avoid it. Whatever wasn’t was going to, is going to miss you. This should build you up to be the woman you want to become. The strongest version of yourself. This is what trials do. They build up superior characters from weak individuals that we once thought we were but we never were, we believed that we needed a crutch from someone else to see that value of ourselves when all we needed to do was realize who we were and what Allah SWT has blessed us with.
Insha’Allah, this helps. You are more than welcome to email me back whenever you like with more questions about anything.
————–
Assalamu alaykum,

Jazakallah khair for your response. You have raised many points that have given me strength and optimism when I think about moving forward now. I know it won’t be easy and it will take patience and Insha’Allah I will remember them and apply them to my daily life. I really appreciate the time and effort you took in replying back. I pray Allah will continue to shower His blessings on you in this life and the next. Ameen.

Wa salaam,
———
Solutions For A Heartbreak can be read here

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 3

I have to repeat my sentence: You are totally right, Malik. And yes, it would be odd. I think I just got used to it, talking to him on weekends.
He has a cellphone, but no internet on his cellphone. So no whatsapp..
But I´m really naive,  I think  everybody acts and thinks the way I do,that people always have good intentions and are honest.
I´ve never been in such a situation, and if someone asked me I always immediately rejected in a friendly and honest way (well,to my mind). What´s so difficult in speaking truth?
The quote “ you shouldn´t wait for me, ..” is meant a bit different, as I told him that I would never reject, if my parents want me to get married to someone…to him this was not traceable.Taht´s why, I think he said that to me.
I have to forget him..sounds so easy…
———————–
You are doing your best to defend this relationship which has gone south and decreased. You are still holding onto hope and nothing but hope. When it ends, you will be crushed because he had said from his mouth, it is not working or I am not ready to get married. There is no doubt, you are hurt now but wouldn’t it be better to at least to go while you aren’t hurt really bad?

Ask him, really, ask him, do you want to marry me? If he says, not yet or I don’t know. Then you know the answer is clear once again. Those words he told you, “you shouldn’t wait for me” are by far the most clearest words ever! It clearly states, It doesn’t matter whether I get married to you or not. If I do, then im happy, If I don’t then I am happy. A man will not say that nor a woman. They will say, we will get married, insha’Allah. Lets work it out and be patient.
Nothing is easy but it is better for your heart and better for you psychologically.
—————-
No, I won´t ask him to marry me..in that case I´m old fashioned, I know what you mean.He will never say “yes”.
It sounds like I´m still defending the relationship. But after reading your mails (thank you, thank you thank you) I realised, that I have to change something. I deleted all of his mails and skype of my computer and i have to say it felt really good..don´t know how long this feeling will last. I want to do something to delet everything that reminds me of him. Still thinking about delet my facebook account.. but secretly I´m hoping that he will regret it one day! That won´t happen..
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Don’t delete your facebook because of him. Keep your social networks going but be careful with it. Don’t get sucked into it because a guy may speak really nice, sweet and sound genuine. Those are only words you are hearing/ready but not actions you are physically seeing, coming to see. Anyone can put words together but not everyone can live within those words and perform them.

Just do your best to stay clear of him and be occupied in other things, that will take your mind off of him. I really doubt, he will contact you because if you didn’t speak to him for 2 months and then, you contacted him 2 months later but he didn’t, then his interest wasn’t entirely there.
You are welcome 🙂 Glad, I could help.

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 2

Thank you so much for your mail! You are right, i know that..it´s just that I can´t see it objectiv like you:)
First of all: Yes you can use my mail on your page, but I would like to change some details, as i´m a bit paranoid:).
But what I don´t understand is: Why does he invest his time, if he is not interested? When I write him a mail just like that , he answers me. He asks me about everything I told him (job, interviews, my sisters and brothers), he remembers all details which I tell him.
BUT he is never the first who writes (exept it´s my birthday) but answers immediately, when i write him. And when I didn´t have the time to skype he tells me next time, that he was online waiting for me…
He himself told me the last time i asked him, if he is still interested, that he wouldn´t come online, if he wasn´t interested..
Besides, he is a little bit strange..or I would say very shy and not very selfconfident ( I suppose it´s because he´s not tall;) ).
He once told me about girls, that he really liked. One girl, which he knew from school ( thats about 10 years ago), was a good friend and he secretly really liked her, than she moved away and he didn´t even tell her about his feeling.- I told him, that this is really strange, but he said he didn´t want to. The seconde girl he liked was also a good friend, he knew her for some years and than one day she told him, that she met a boy in her hometown (she is engaged now). .. besides he once told me, that he doesn´t know why men should always do first steps in relationships…
SO I wrote him my mobile number, that he can contact  me ..but he just replied, that we will talk at the weekend on skype (or on weekdays on FB), when he is home. ( Calling someones mobile is more expensive here than a normal landline phone)
When I asked him about our relation, he told me, that he doesn´t want to marry unless he can offer me something, as he has got a fixed job now (for about 5 month) but still wants to move back to his hometown to work, but cant find a job there. That´s why he doesn´t have his own furniture in his apparment or a landline phone or internet.- I told him, that this doesn´t matter, but he said to him it does.
Look how I´m trying to denfend him 😀
I know, if I would now stop to skype with him and write him on fb, he would never write or ask me why…but when in write him in 2 months, he would immediately answer and say..”hey, how are you? Where have you been?…”
I feel like sitting on a couch and talking to a psychologist 🙂
Once again, thanks!
—————————–
One thing people who really care for another, always contact that individual first. A lot of times what I used to do was see if that individual would message me, that is after I’ve messaged them several times. To see if I cross their mind or not.
If you’ve messaged him two months later and he did not contact you within those two months, what does that tell you? Why is that you have to contact him first and then only he contacts you thereafter? Does that make any sense? What I’d say is don’t contact him at all and see when he decides to speak to you but that would not put your heart at ease or at rest. You would only become paranoid and fearful. Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore? Maybe I am doing the wrong thing? And so many more things.
The brother is correct though in looking for his benefits and your benefits in regards to being prepared for marriage. If he is not able to provide for you, there is a fear of that but does he know that is Allah SWT that provides rizq for everyone? Does he know that marriage would increase the blessings in his life and Allah SWT will give more?
The more you try to convince someone that you are good enough for them, the more you realize how much you value that person and how much you’ve devalued yourself. You are throwing yourself at him and he doesn’t seem to want to take the offer but only become fearful or make excuses, you know?
When someone is really interested in you, they wont say, I’ll only speak to you when I am home etc. They will speak to you whenever and whatever way they can because you mean a lot to that individual. Perhaps I don’t know the brothers circumstance and maybe he doesn’t have data on his phone or he doesn’t have WhatsApp but in reality, everyone has a phone with data correct? So if he has data, being able to communicate with you over WhatsApp would be the most easiest thing? Again, I don’t know the brothers situation. Maybe he doesn’t own a cellphone.
Be honest with me okay? If your friend said to you, I really enjoy your company and I really enjoy speaking to you but, I will only talk to you only on the weekends. How would that make you feel? Would you not be confused that you can only make time for me on the weekends but I make time for you all the time? No individual is alike but wouldn’t it be odd? I think it would be.
You really need to think of this situation and really come to a decision because what it seems like, is that you are really interested in him and he lacks interest in you despite what he says. You only contacting him and him only saying things like “I was waiting for you to come online but you never came” is only to make you feel guilty. Trust me.
Sister, you are worth more than this. Why continue to chase him, while he distances himself and continues to make “excuses” for being interested in you. Maybe he is but myself being a guy and knowing the situations and being in several situations in my life that are similar to what you are going through, I know what it is. I’ve been through what you are going through and I’ve come to a point in my life where I do not waste my time anymore with people who don’t want to invest time in me or is not confident in being with me. If that person wants to be with me, they will. I don’t chase anyone, I don’t try to convince them. I don’t even say, we get along great, etc; because the truth of the matter is, if you see it and they don’t, you are wasting your time. Relationships are based on mutual agreements, compromise and most important of all, sacrifice. He is not sacrificing what you are sacrificing for him. He continues to say “woah, woah, yeah, I got a job but………………………” you see, how everything he has said was but? There is no clear answer he has given you. When the brother had said to you, “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That is the most clearest answer ever given to anyone and that shows the lack of interest and he doesn’t care whether you two get married or not.
Right now, what you are doing is holding on, hoping he changes his mind. Hoping he agrees and you have a dream marriage and everything just fits perfectly together but from what you’ve told me, It doesn’t seem to go that way. Sister, don’t sit there waiting for someone to change. People are as they are. If the brother really wanted to marry you, him having a job, he would marry you and not say, “if you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” If a woman had said that to me, I’d know she doesn’t want a future with me and her interest in me isn’t there and she isn’t confident in this working.

“Is It Because Im Black?”

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This year, I’ve been going through a lot in my life but Alhumdulilah, I do my best to stay in the best of spirits. As you can see from my writing, the title of my blog, “Think & Be Positive.” I like to write things about positivity, motivation because that is the type of person I am, Alhumdulilah. A positive individual. I write things that will help insha’Allah others to be better or go through the situations in their life with positivity in mind.

I’ve been asked a few times by women if I am interested in them and due to the situations in my life I like to stay out of them and just have my own space. Im the type of person who really enjoys talking to everyone I come across. No matter who it is. How old that person is. I am just a really friendly, funny and down to earth to person. Lately, women have approached and I’ve kindly declined that Im not interested. The odd thing is, if it is a coloured woman, a black woman, they would automatically assume or ask “is it because Im black?” I find this hilarious.

Skin colour has never mattered to me, EVER. I don’t care if the person is as blue as Violet Beauregard. Sometimes people need to put down their insecurities and stop thinking everything has to do with skin colour. Not every person is the same. Just because dudes in the past may have turned you down due to your skin colour, does not mean, every guy will. You need to stop being insecure about yourself. Be confident about the qualities you have. Be confident about the way you look. If a person turns you down, it may be for several reasons or several things that person may be going through. Don’t automatically assume it is because of your skin colour. If a person wants to be with you, they’ll want to be with you no matter what it is. No matter what occupation you have. No matter what kind of car you drive or you don’t have a car. Skin colour is just honestly a BS scapegoat in saying, you are not the person for me or Im too much of a wuss and I care too much what others think.

Islam doesn’t teach you about being with someone for their skin colour, their riches, reputation, kings or queens. Islam teaches to be with people with whose character is the best. Who is best in religion. Why does Islam say this? Because character is GOLD. Piety is riches. If you have someone that has good character, it’ll be good for you and it’ll be good for your kids. If you have someone who is best in religion, pious, it’ll be good for you and it’ll be good for your kids.

Don’t always look at things from the deep end and don’t be shallow, thinking about the colour of your skin or your beauty or whatever it may be when things don’t workout. Allah SWT knows best. Just be happy with what comes your way and be optimistic of what will come your way. Hope for the best and think positively.