If you are not married as of yet, asl yourself if it is your expectations that have been pushing away the potentials that you have come across. Every person has a right to expectations but sometimes it is our own expectations that may seem unrealistic or fantasy like that destroys something that could have been good. If all you are looking for is wealth, know that this wealth will not help you buy to fix your marital problems. If you are looking for degrees, know these degrees can’t help you fix your marital problems.
Look for something within the individual that no wealth can acquire and no degree can earn. Each of us have this uniquely, blessed gift, called personality and characteristics. These are two treasures each of us hold and no matter where you search in the world, you will not find someone with the same. You may find someone who has something better but the search for something better may come too late or may never come.
Hold onto someone who has been blessed to come your way with a positive attitude, personality, characteristics and someone you are also attracted to. Wealth is required to build a home but does not build love, compassion, sympathy, closeness, romance, sweetness and more, nor do degrees. Look to build with what you’ve been blessed with and know it is Allah SWT that will provide through his rizq (provisions) to make your marriage the best it can be, as long as effort is made.
We all have choices in life. Make the best choice that will build a happy home and not a broken home when a degree no longer matters and wealth disappears.
Love is about appreciation, patience, care, compromise, sacrifice, understanding, support, positivity, affection, team work.
Love is not about oppression, discouragement, negativity, anger, slavery, physical abuse.
Love is about sweetness in words, actions, a look in the eyes, a kiss, a hug, embracing one another.
Love is not about adultery, cheating, lying or stealing.
So why is it so hard to love one another, when it all so easy? We are all out chasing those who don’t love us but those who love us, don’t get our time and when we lose their time and patience, we hope to have it back. Love whomever you want to love but love them with sincerity and trust. Love them unconditionally. Love them as if tomorrow will never come and make amends to arguments and fights, as those are destructive and making amends heals. Do not delay being affectionate to one another, showing each other “I love you.” Each individual has put in time and effort, hoping to never lose you and understand that time is valuable and could be spent else where. Learn to appreciate them before tomorrow never comes or they want to leave and never want to come back. Show yourself, prove yourself, never be hidden in a glass bottle hoping to escape for air, as that air keeps you tight in your lungs and leaves a tightness in your chest. Be open with who you are and be free from criticism because those who love you will never criticize you for who you are but will rather accept you and help you improve. Love is so vast it is as vast as the ocean deep with beautiful creatures each uniquely created. As beautiful as the coral reef with it’s vivid colours just flowing freely in the waters. Love is so much more than we know but we grow to hate it because our experiences in life make us bitter, as if we tasted the end of it. Love will never end but it ends when you think it’ll end. Everything about love is mental and actions. If you think it, it’ll become it and you can do it, so think positively about love as Allah did put love and mercy between our hearts. Don’t give it away cheaply or freely but give it to those who deserve it because not everyone who comes into our lives are deserving but each individual deserves a chance to prove themselves to you. This also doesn’t mean, each individual deserves your time and if you are not feeling it, then it’s best not to mess with their love which is truly genuine as it will create an experience which will lead to bitter beginnings, as this may not be an ending for them. We all are created to give love and have love but not to be taken advantage of the love given. Be intelligent and never wear your heart on your sleeve. Wearing it on your sleeve is like holding meat in front of a pack of lions and everyone will want a bite of it, while you receive nothing but scars. Love can be taken past mountains and past the stars but the question is, do you want that? How much do you want to prove your love to someone but you never did because you were scared of commitment or scared you’ll never get it back? You can be scared all your life but if you don’t choose to experience life itself, you’ll never know what love and life feels like. And heartbreaks aren’t easy and they never will be, they come with love but those who cherish you, will never intend to break your heart but rather heal it from the form it was left in by those who never appreciated you. Love is not evil and never has been. We have just been in situations that have given a misconception of love and how it should feel. Love should never be defined by those who ruined it and love should always be defined by those who are genuine enough to show it and live it. Each tale of our lives, defines what love should be and what it will be. Love is about better beginnings, never about bitter endings because after the bitterness wears off, we always look for something sweet to repair it. Love with every part of you and never give half of yourself but give yourself fully. Commit, appreciate, show what you mean and be who you are. Love is going to be tears and love is going to be sleepless nights but a love that is meaningful wipes aways those tears and helps you sleep at night. Love can be explained in many different ways but to me, this is what love is and probably more.
(She had allowed me to share her story)
Assalamu alaykum Malik Shabazz,
One of the rights of a Muslim, upon another Muslim is when he/she seeks your advice, advise them. [Shahih Muslim]
His statement, “And when he seeks your advice, advise him.” This means that if he seeks consultation with you regarding some action, as to whether he should do it or not, then advise him with that which you would like for yourself. Thus, if the action is something that is beneficial in all aspects, then encourage him to do that, and if it is something harmful, then warn him against it. And if the action contains both benefit and harm, then explain that to him and weigh the benefits against the harms. Likewise, if he consults with you concerning some dealing with someone among the people, or whether he should marry a woman off to someone, or whether he should marry someone, then extend your pure and sincere advice to him, and deal with him from the view point of what you would do for you own self. And avoid deceiving him in any matter of these things. For verily whoever deceives the Muslims, then he is not of them, and indeed he has left off the obligation of being sincere and advising. And this sincerity and advising is absolutely obligatory, however it becomes more emphasized when the person seeks your advice and he requests from you that you give him a beneficial opinion. For this reason the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) specifically mentioned it in this important situation. The explanation of the hadeeth, “The religion is sincerity.”
I read your post about marriage and i´m really impressed about the work that you do here. May Allah bless you for that!
I´m still not sure if it´s necessary to write you my problem/ question, but as I read your articles it came to my mind.
So , where do I start? I´m a muslim, not married woman. And I know a man for almost 2 years. I´m confused about this relationship(?) and I don´t know what to do, as it is making me sick and sad thinking about it. I don´t know if I´m doing something wrong.
Well, although we know each other for 2 years, we have never meet each other. We know each other from the internet (a social network) and at the beginning we chatted almost every day on msn about everything in life (Deen, family, studies, work..) I got to know him better and liked his closeness to religion, which is also very important to me. I feel like having a male friend , which I never had ,exept my brother and dad. After 3 or 4months our chatting decreased. We chatted twice a month, when he visited his parents. (He lives alone, about 4hours away from his parents because of his job and his internet is very slow). After a while i asked him about this relation. He said, that he is not sure, he cant say “yes” or “no”, he needs time and his job is really hard and important to him. After a some months we started talking on skype. I asked him again, and he still couln´t answer me. He needs time and i got angry. He said, that he is not that kind of guy who meets girls and has bad intentions. He is sure, that we would match, but if we meet (in real life :D) it would be hard to handle for him, because of the distance (as he also lives about 3 hours away from me).He also said, that I shouldn´t wait for him, if I know someone to marry, I should do it. He would never force me to stay in contact with him. Because of my anger i didn´t write him for about 3 weeks..until i realised that i miss his friendship. So i apologized to him and after a while he forgave me and we talked again on skype.. as he hasn´t got a car now, he visits his parents only once a month and so we talk only once a month. Sometimes I think, that this relation leads to nothing. I invest more in this relation than he does…as I asked him the questions about the sense of this relation and wait for him on skype to come online… but on the other hand he is a really special person, who is interested in my life and always listens.
Am I doing something wrong in keeping this relationship? Am I naive? Don´t know what to do..cant stay positive in this situation.
Oh my god, my message is reallly long.I´m sorrryy:) Hope you don´t mind reading it. Thanks for your time.
For many years, I have helped many people resolve issues in their lives. A lot of the issues I have helped address, have been relationship issues. Many of them pertaining women and how they have been treated by men. A lot of them seem to be left in a state of confusion with “men” who attempt to take the role of men, only ending up to be boys. Women who are easily swayed by words are usually the ones getting left and abused by these so called “men.” Saying all the right types of words they want to hear. I will explain below, as best as I can to address this issue and why women, nice women, get treated like dirt. Inshallah
The issue always begin with the woman always choosing and chasing the wrong type of guy. Every time I have talked to a woman, they usually end up with a douche bag, who has no idea how to treat his woman. They are easily swayed by words and this itself creates the problem in the first place. Words are manipulative and they are usually meaningless, unless there is a right intention behind it, which usually isn’t in this case.
It leads them down a dark road, which seems bright, with an imagination filled with love and romance. Which they believe is love and romance, which is nothing but an easy score for the guy. They wear their heart on the sleeve and continue to play through this charade the guy has put up, while the woman, believing everything the guy says and does. It leads to heartache and heart break, with so much to lose because usually they begin to lose their trust towards men in the future.
Again, words are manipulative and women are easily victim to these things. They continue to believe in this act of love and romance, which again, is nothing but their imagination coming into play. Women love to be loved and want to be loved. They want romance, well some do because it plays to their imagination which they have created for themselves. Most men easily understand these things because they know, a woman wants to be needed and they loved to be pampered. These things don’t come in the form of words now, they come in the form of gifts, which they believe is love now, is romance being portrayed.
Women will show they love their significant other, they will want attention in return because it’s what they believe is needed. It’s what women want, is the attention and the need to be loved because if they aren’t getting it in return, they feel torn apart because it is what they feel deserve. Men, again take advantage of this, creating distance, creating separation and only creating a mental and trust issue in the long run. When creating distance between each other, the woman craves the man more and shows more affection towards him because she feels she isn’t loving him enough. So she does all sorts of things to get his attention. Some do whatever the man says, just because they believe they are in love and want the love in return.
This is definitely a wrong way to handle yourself because you aren’t benefiting from the situation. You are only giving into their demand and charade which they acted out quite carefully. In the end, the man ends up leaving because he got what he needed. Now, the woman is left confused for many months. When it comes to men and women, women are not the type to get over a heart break easily. They will carry through this heart break for months. Not forgetting the things happening to them. They will drag themselves through the day and destroying relationships and friendships between those who are close them. It also destroys trust and love, for those who actually want to give it in return to them.
If only women were aware of these words and the actions that may come into play. If women only learned from their mistakes and did not destroy the trust lost between the past and the present. What happens in the past, should only be a lesson to be learned for the present and the future. I believe, women should definitely stand their ground when it comes to men and not give in so easily. Lay down the law and let men know that come into your life, if you aren’t marrying me, you aren’t having me in any shape, way or form.
This way, it lets the man know, what she actually wants from the relationship. Those who intend to stay, usually act out their words and not leave them as words. Let the boys play the games with the girls, who refuse to listen and only want to give a piece of action in return. Let the women, the strong, the powerful, the believing in love and real romance type, to find the ideal guy, who shows what she is worth.
Stop trying to be easy targets and stop trying to create unnecessary attention. It is what places you in these situations which leave you heart broken and seem think you were worthless. Love yourself before you seek to love others. Men love those types of strong, powerful, standing their ground type women. Intelligent women. Be wanted, not needed. Being wanted creates more of an attraction and being needed only puts you on the shelf where I know, you don’t want to belong.
My friend and I we usually meet up every weekend and just chill, relax and get something to eat. He had told me today, yesterday was his 1 year wedding anniversary. Alhumdulilah (Thanks To Allah), how many people now-a-days get through even the first 3 months or even 6 months? Being married for a year now is an accomplishment now-a-days, so shout to my boy, you know who you are. May Allah SWT bless you and your family for years to come and more.
We had ended up discussing relationships and how when boyfriends and girlfriends are always so attached and always wanting to prove and proclaim their love for one another. The boyfriend is dressing up, looking fresh and fly for his girl and the girlfriend is dressing up, looking fresh and stunning for her man. They go beyond the limits and comfort zone just so they can prove their worth and proclaim that love is there for one another.
Every weekend or during the week they get together and go really nice places or even to the movies, just so they can spend time together. Both of them are constantly being told and complemented they are a very cute couple and they look like they are meant to be together. They go on dates, the boyfriend buys her flowers, really nice gifts and the girlfriend is doing the same thing for him, just so again, they can constantly prove their love for one another.I know some of my Muslim brothers and sisters will be reading this and say, “astugferullah brother! These types of relationships are haram!!!!” Yeah, I know DUH! Thank you stating the obvious.
I am not here condoning a relationship like this. I am only here to ask you, the reader and giving a few lessons to the to be married and the married, when was the last time, if there was a last time you actually went out of your comfort zone to prove your love the way you used to love physically or in a materialistic way, for your spouse? Everyone knows love cannot be proved in a materialistic way but even you and I know a gift from anyone close to you brings a smile to your face and makes the relationship or friendship that much closer.
When was the last time you and your spouse spent time together and went to the places you used to goto before you were married? If you’ve never been in that type of relationship, when was the last time you took your spouse out to a nice place to eat? When was the last time you and your spouse dressed nicely for one another? The wedding day does not count nor do the days after the wedding count. When was the last time you actually brought your wife home some of her favourite flowers or chocolate? When was the last time you two went out for a walk together? This doesn’t include grocery shopping because that is a must if you are married. If you cannot recall these things at anytime during your marriage or the only time you recall these moments was when you were dating each other, on the wedding day and a few days after, why did you stop now or how come you haven’t started?
Does being married mean it is the end of the show that you can’t do those types of things anymore? Why is that those that are in haram relationships are so willing to do everything for their girlfriend or boyfriend but those that are married, in a halal relationship, that have been giving the blessings, fulfilling a sunnah, don’t even budge or consider these things anymore? Being married does not mean you cut the line that once brought you in that fish but married means, you are able to fish more efficiently.
Instead of cutting the line, why not do all the things you always wanted to do with your spouse? Why not do all the things you used to do before you were married? Your spouse I’m sure is craving that type of attention that was once there before or even your spouse hopes and dreams they are able to live outside of the make believe hollywood movie that broadcasts romance and love.
Allah SWT has given you the halal means of being married, so why not use it to your advantage? Take your spouse out once a month or twice a month or whatever your budget is able to afford. Dress up nicely, wear perfume or cologne, attar, which your spouse enjoys smelling and clothes you two like seeing each other in. Get dinner or lunch reservations, eat some great food, have a great conversation and spark inside each other a love that is untapped and waiting to be explored.
Even Abdullah Ibn Abbas (May Allah Be Pleased With Him), one of the companions of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) loved dressing up for his wife. Abdullah Ibn Abbas (May Allah Be Pleased With Him) said: “I love that I beautify myself for my wife just like I love that she beautifies herself for me.” Musannaf ibn Abi Shaybah. Im sure if Abdullah Ibn Abbas (May Allah Be Pleased With Him) was alive in our times now, he would be probably be rocking the flyest outfits just for his wife. In Islam we have examples of how to treat and respect each other. Islam explains how to make love to one another. Islam explains how to treat husband and wife but we stop trying or don’t even try because we feel safe in our marriage thinking our spouses don’t need this type of treatment. It’s not whether you think they need the treatment or not, its you should be doing it out of appreciation for one another. Im sure your spouse does a lot which is unseen and even though the love you show is there but there is so much more to marriage than just living together, eating the food your spouse makes, sleeping in the same bed and going grocery shopping.
Be alive and show and prove more than ever that your spouse means a lot to you. Go to dinner, buy gifts, go for walks, dress up nicely and do whatever is imaginable and is within halal means. Come out of your comfort zone and do something nice for once or do things which you used to do before you were married, so that match, that spark can be lit again.
I had just finished reading an article titled “Whats Love Got To Do With It” by Abu Esa Niamatullah and he touched on a few things in that article about pre-marriage and marriage. I will post a link at the bottom. As many of you know from my writings, I seem to write a lot about marriage for some odd reason but it just seems to happen. Abu Esa had touched on quite a few things in that article which I found to be really true. So I thought, I’d just share my opinion which was influenced and inspired by that article.
What he says in the article is true. Those that marry for looks and wealth, eventually vanish. It is the same as owning a vehicle that has first come out. The ride is fly and the interior is dope. The perks that come with it are great. Heated and leather seats, GPS and all that but once you’ve spent enough time with it, there is another vehicle out there that is better than that so you part ways with that vehicle and go buy another one. The “love” for it fades and another new love grows for something else because you’ve only looked at the physical part of the car, people in general buy cars because of how it looks.
It’s the same when it comes to a spouse. After looking at her/him a million times, you say masha’Allah, you are beautiful/handsome. After spending the wealth, you say, masha’Allah, you are very wealthy but if there is nothing else that comes with them, then you’ve pretty much lost yourself, hurt yourself and hurt them because it’ll more than likely go no where else and the marriage itself will fade, just like clothes that have been washed several times.
When you do find someone as Abu Esa has said in the article, that fears Allah and has not been touched by another man, coming out of heart breaking relationships you will possibly be in good hands but this does not mean, you will not have issues or the marriage itself will be successful because Allah is the best of planners and the test that come in marriage itself, no one knows and no one knows the strength of a person either and how they will deal with things when there comes a point in that relationship pressure is put on and the pipes are about to burst.
If you want to marry someone who has a degree or has a PhD because you’ve attained one, feel free to marry that person who also has one because you want the best for yourself. Don’t just set up things where if the person who has everything about them that you like but doesn’t have a PhD don’t just turn that person down. A person with or without a degree shouldn’t be a measuring stick in marriage if that person has everything you have been looking for. As he also touched in his article, it has become the main reason men go back home to their countries marrying someone who probably does not hold a degree or is not as educated as someone in their current city. They feel this woman will not shoot him down and he can be the man on throne and can’t be challenged by someone who may be more intellectual than him and will just do as he pleases. It is a pretty close minded reason to do so to take advantage of someone who has not been given the means to educate themselves compared to people who have had it handed to them. I know parents who say, marry someone who is a door knob because she will do whatever you want and won’t challenge you. That is also close minded and thinking low of a person and also taking advantage of them, which we shouldn’t do. The less one knows, the less one will speak and just obey. Isn’t it what the media expects of us? The government as well? That’s a different topic, of course.
He also touches on married couples compromising. If you cannot compromise even a few things in marriage, you will cause so many problems for yourself in the marriage. You will cause so many issues that shouldn’t even be there. Marriage is always going to be about two people. Your parents may have given you everything and always given you your way because you’ve cried and pouted but it isn’t going to work the same here when you are married. More than likely, that person won’t take your crap eventually and then may end up leaving you or they’ll be distant from you. You’ll still live in the same house but will be distant. That relationship will start to crumble, so you must learn to compromise. Your wishes, your own desires may end up becoming secondary as your decisions will either make that person happy or will anger that person. It becomes a thinking game. It becomes what is more important and who is more important? Although one must not sacrifice their Islam nor compromise their Islam for anyone, no matter what the situation is. Put the egos, the pride aside and learn to work together. All teams that have won championships won because they have learned to work together. No team in the history of any sport has won because of just one single person. A person on the team may be the star player but it took team work, communication, practice to be a championship quality team.
Learn to also appreciate your significant other. Say a few good words whenever you feel it should be said. If your wife looks beautiful, say you look beautiful. If your husband looks handsome, say he is handsome. If you love your husband, say I love you. If you love your wife, say I love you. If you find something your wife wears and you think she looks like the moon in the sky, which is amazingly beautiful, ask her to wear it and compliment her. Same can be said about your husband. I know Mufti Menk posted a status today about women not dressing up in their homes but get dressed up to leave the house without their husbands. It’s because the husbands have not taken the time to even look at their wives and give her a compliment, so she is out getting compliments and gazes from other people. I remember in a lecture a husband had never complimented his wife cooking in 25 years and the lecturer had given a compliment about the food and the wife started crying. He had asked her, why are you crying? She said, in the 25 years I have been married, my husband has never complimented my cooking and here you are, the first day eating my food and you’ve told me it’s good. Don’t shy away from these moments because your spouse does want to feel appreciated, women more in general. They know they are loved but they want to be told they are loved. Just as Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) had to confirm that the Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) had loved her. She would ask: “How is your love for me?” The Messenger Of Allah would reply, “like the rope’s knot.” Even many times after she would ask, “how is the knot?” and again, he would reply, “the same as ever!” So take the opportunity to reassure to your wife you love her even though there are many things you may do, that shows you love her. Women love to hear the words that they are loved, so say it. Women are created differently from men.
In the end, just be patient. New marriages are just like new jobs. It takes patience and it takes time for everything to fit together. You won’t get along with your new co-workers just as yet but once you make that effort to get to know them, it’ll eventually work. Same as marriage. You must constantly make that effort and always be willing to take an extra step forward to make things right., for everything to fit and not everyday will be like the first day of marriage and not everyday will be you two fighting but if you are two willing to look past the smaller issues and just really and truly work together and love each other for the Sake Of Allah, Insha’Allah, things will work.
Learn to appreciate your significant other. They don’t HAVE to do anything for you but they do things for you because they appreciate you and you complaining and ordering your significant other around, will not make your significant other do those things for you. They will fight you back just as you order your them around. A simple please and thank you will go along way. If you want something done, learn to compromise.
You may want to eat a specific dish today but your significant other is tired or simply does not want to make it or dislikes it. Instead of being angry and ordering them around, compromise in this situation and say, how about sometime this week you make such and such or if you want them to wear an outfit you like say, because I think it looks really nice on you and it compliments your personality or your character as a person, it makes you and I look together as one.
Being able to correctly word your thoughts goes a long way. It either escalates a situation into being something you didn’t want it to be or it makes a situation easy to come together and complete.
Don’t compare your marriage to another persons marriage. That person may display their love differently compared to you and your spouse and somethings your spouse may do better than another persons spouse and another person may want that but you don’t appreciate that. What you already have is already better than what you had. Don’t go messing things up because of what you don’t have but be happy with you have.
It’s different if your spouse is not displaying love to you at all, then you speak to them but if you already have something good, don’t go asking for more and more and more because another person has it. Your spouse may love you more physically while another persons spouse loves them emotionally or affectionately or is more compassionate, etc. You are not going to get the total package because some may only display what they are taught or what they feel they should be doing.
Communication breaks all barriers so if you are looking to express yourself and you don’t know how, communicate in forms which is comfortable to you. Communication doesn’t have to be verbally. If you are good at writing, then write a letter. If you are a romantic type, set something up for your spouse which they’ll enjoy. People have a major misconception of how love should be displayed and then they compare to others. Just be comfortable in your skin and love your spouse to the best of your ability but if you are not doing your part, then best believe, you are creating a sink hole in your marriage and the longer you neglect your spouse, the sink hole becomes wider and deeper.