Before You Get Married Know…..

Jahiliyyah

Some very important advice for those who intend to get married

Know what Islam teaches about marriage extremely well and what is permissible and impermissible in the marriage contract and what you and your spouse can agree to. Some families think that people are ignorant about Islam and they can implement whatever they want in the contract and ask for unrealistic conditions that are obviously from jahiliyaa (pre-islamic) and people will just agree. Some people also put high prices on their daughters for mahr and other things in hopes that one day, there is a divorce and the ex-husband has to pay a lump sum. Some families get their daughters married hoping, a divorce happens one day, so they are entitled to riches due them following something that isn’t even from Islam. It is absolutely sick that parents intend to marry their daughters hoping they get a divorce, so they can leave with money or gold. As if, their daughters are an item and a price tag has to be agreed to either on the mahr or during a divorce period. Whatever you and your spouse agree to in the marriage contract is what you abide by. Your parents can threaten you with a knife, call you disgusting names, hit you but know that Allah is protecting you just as you are protecting your rights in Islam, which He has given. Don’t allow no family, no matter if they are kings, princess, prime ministers, presidents, to walk all over you and ask you to agree to unrealistic and unislamic demands that could never, ever be met. This is why it is so important to know the deen (religion) so when it is time for you to get married, you know what is permissible and what is not. You know your rights and you give each other their rights. And always, always, always, put your spouse first. Fight for them, be with them and don’t allow any man or woman to abuse them, even if it is their own family. Speak up, stand your ground, be firm and be blunt, protect each others honour. Grow to love each other, respect, and spend time with each other in order for you two to adapt to each others likes and dislikes so you can better understand each other. Pay attention to each others needs and don’t expect the marriage to be only about you and then your spouse. Marriage isn’t about yourself but it is about the two of you and Allah has given the husband and wife rights that they must honour. Don’t abuse them, be at peace, make amends, wipe away tears, give hugs, be compassionate, merciful and forgive each other. Don’t hold any grudges either. Most importantly, put Islam first and insha’Allah, you will be successful.

Speech I Wrote For My Sister & Brother In Law On Their Wedding Day

(I actually had it recorded but, the audio did not come out clear.)

All praise is due to Allah, we praise him, we seek his help and we ask for his forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides, there is none that can misguide him and whoever Allah misguides, there is none that can guide him. There is no God worthy of worship except Allah alone, there is no partner and that Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) is His slave and final Messenger.

O, you who believe, fear Allah as he deserved to be feared and do not die except as Muslims. (Surah Al-Imran: Family Of Imran: 3:102)

O, Mankind, fear your Lord, who has created you from a single soul and created from it, its mate and from them both, many men and many women and fear Allah through whom you demand your mutual rights and indeed Allah is ever watchful over you (Surah An-Nisa: The Women: 4:1)

O, you who believe! Fear Allah and speak a word that is true and He will correct your deeds and forgive your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has indeed achieved a great success. (Surah Al-Hajj: The Pilgrimmage: 22:77)

The best speech is the book of Allah (The Qur’an) and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him).

The worst of affairs in this religion are the newly invented manners and all of them are innovations.

Today, my sister will be introduced to a new family she has not spent a lifetime with nor an entire day with. She will enter a home with new faces, new personalities, new cooking styles and new way of doing things. She will feel awkward, shy, not be herself for a few days but, she will enter a home, a loving home that is filled with welcoming people. She will be under the protection of a new man, who will honour her rights as a Muslim woman and not over power her, belittle her or feel he is above her and will treat her with respect, dignity and protect her from the harms of this world, as my father, my mother, my family has entrusted this right upon, Imran.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The best of you are the best to his wives, family, and I am the best of you to my family, wives.” [Tirmidhi]

The Prophet Muhammad has led by example and has and will always be the best of examples this world will have ever received. He taught us how to honour our wives and not mistreat them. To be good to them and show them they are important. To not repel them and to compliment them. As many of us here today, we grew up in a household where the men are firm, strict with their wives and they think this is a sign of manliness and it is something praised worthy but it is not. The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) was not this way. Rather, he would compliment his wives, sit with them, play with them and not worry whether he is manly in front of the companions or not. His teachings was passed onto the best of men and they followed his example and today, as Muslims we follow that way too.

Many of the examples I will share today, to inspire, to teach my sister Naznin, to teach my brother in law Imran and to teach many of the couples here today, that these actions by the Messenger Of Allah are the best of actions, that are rewarding because we are following his example. To teach the newly weds to be, that there isn’t a need to be harsh and strict with your wives because this isn’t something Islam teaches.

When the Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) would sit with Aisha to eat, they both would eat together from the same plate and drink from the same cup. The messenger of Allah, would do his best to place his lips on the cup where Aisha had placed her lips and look into her eyes and drink [bukhari]. Many of you will think hearing this, this does not sound manly but it wasn’t about being manly, it was about showing love and appreciation to someone Allah has created for you. Allah has created us in pairs and Allah has created Naznin and Imran for each other and this was written 3000 years before they were even born.

Many men are also shy or afraid to play with their wives but the Messenger of Allah was never shy nor did her care who was watching. When him and Aisha were first married, they raced. He had sent his companions who were with him up ahead and said to Aisha, lets race, so they raced and Aisha had beat him. As Aisha got older, put some weight, he asked her to race again and this time, The Prophet won [Ahmad]. How many men today, when they are out with their wives will race with them? Will play with them? Instead, they’ll be serious or sit in front of the television waiting for a hot meal. The messenger of Allah was the best of examples and in this example, in this hadith, it shows the playfulness he had with his Aisha and it is something we should implement today when we are out with our wives.

We should never be afraid to show appreciation to each other nor should we be afraid to be ourselves to one another, nor be afraid to speak our mind. The messenger of Allah was never afraid to tell how much he loved Aisha and how much he wanted her to be at his side. In one instance, Aisha had asked him, how is your love for me? and He replied, like the ropes knot. Then some time later, Aisha would ask again, How is the knot? The messenger of Allah would reply, in the same condition [Hilya Al Awliya]. In another instance, the messenger of Allah was approached by a man who had prepared a feast for him so the messenger of Allah asked, if Aisha was invited too, the man said no, so the messenger of Allah declined. Once again, the man returned and invited him again and the messenger of Allah asked again, is Aisha invited, the man said no, so the messenger of Allah declined again. Then he returned for a third time to invite the messenger of Allah again and once again, the messenger of Allah asked, Aisha is also here, is she invited? The man finally agreed and they both went to the feast together. [Muslim]

These are just some examples islam teaches and these examples are there for us to implement in our lives. To be good to each other. To be playful with each other and honour each other. The religion of Al-Islam is a beautiful religion and it teaches us so much that we don’t seek these teachings and we end up missing out on performing these sunnah’s and being rewarded. We also miss out on being close to each other, to show love and grow appreciation for one another.

My sister, Naznin, insha’Allah, will fulfill all her obligations as a Muslim woman to Imran and Imran, insha’Allah, will fulfill all his obligations to her as a Muslim and both of you will honour each other and not over power each other but live with each other, with love and respect. Put each other first, help each other and be dutiful to the rights Allah has established as husband and wife. And I know, my sister can be a little crazy and weird but she has a big heart, masha’Allah and insha’Allah, just as my family has enjoyed her bubbly personality and weirdness for the past 22 years, your family will enjoy it too. We all are going to miss having her around, so honour her, respect her but most important of all, fulfill the rights and obligations Allah has set by establishing salah. When going through hardships seeking help through patience in prayer, and respecting each others rights as husband and wife.

Pretending To Be Interested

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A lot of us are looking to find the right spouse through the internet, from friends or even family members. We want to be set up with someone who will help us become better in every single way but many times, the people who we think are sincere and serious about marriage are really not and end up wasting our time, playing with our emotions and feelings. It becomes heart breaking, it leads to depression and it can potentially ruin things for someone who may come in the future with the right intentions because your impression left a scar on that individual, who doesn’t want to trust others.

If you are not serious about getting wanting to marry someone, stop wasting your time and their time. Your life may be boring, you may want to have an interesting conversation with someone to “see” where it goes but this may not be the intention of the person on the other end. People interpret things differently. So you may see a conversation going one way, while the other person see’s it another way. Your approach maybe friendly and mean something else but to them, your approach is everything they’ve ever wanted and is finally coming true.

We are at fault for expecting things that are not set in stone but you are also at fault for giving false hopes of talking about getting married and talking about a bright future. Your intentions may have been in the right place, Allah knows best but to seek someone just for your own enjoyment, to cure your boredom is evil and directly impacts a person negatively, while they hold onto these hopes of things becoming true, while you string them along and only want their comfort and entertainment.

Your actions lead people into depression which can be for a long time depending on how much they actually “loved you” and how much they believed it could be true. It is also true, everything is the decree of Allah subhana wata’ala but we are also responsible for our actions and how we display them to others. We are responsible for our speech whether it be true or false and responsible for the promises we make. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Religion is sincerity.” [Muslim] So let us do our best to be sincere when we speak to others and not deceive them to cure our boredom, to enjoy ourselves while they continuously work to make things work. While they do ishtikhara (guidance salah) and you do not and you delay it, while they patiently wait for you to do it. If a person wants to do ishtikhara and is serious about you, there will be no excuses or “ill do it another day or when I have time”, it’ll happen A.S.A.P. because they cannot wait to see what Allah has written for them.

Many of us are grown adults and many of us want to wear the shoes of adults and get married but if you cannot be sincere or act mature and stand up for what you feel and believe, how could you possibly take care of someone else and fulfill the rights given to each other by Allah subhana wata’ala? We have to be careful because these are people’s feelings we are dealing with and what we say may or may not intend to do, can leave scars, so be careful as you would not like what you are doing to others done to you, your siblings or your children in the future.

It is impossible to be sincere all the time because we all make errors but we must check our intention before following that compass that may lead you to the right path. If you are seriously considering that person for marriage, take the right approach and speak to their wali (guardian) to make things halal (permissible.) If not, let them go so they can find someone right for them and if you are not serious about marriage, then don’t bother others who are seriously considering sharing their life with someone.

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If you need advice, feel free to contact me at mshabazz33@gmail.com

Interested in purchasing my book: The Strongest Version Of Yourself? Purchase here: https://payhip.com/b/3FdM

Marrying For Deen (Religion)

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Asalamwalikum (Peace Be Upon You)

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace And Blessings Upon Him) said “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. ” (Muslim)

And he said: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari)

And he also said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. ” (Muslim)

The same is also said when looking for a husband, as the Prophet Muhammad (Peace And Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. ” (Tirmidhi)

These hadiths are clear to the point and advises the ummah to marry those with good character and religion more important then beauty and wealth. So why is that when an individual has come as a blessing into someones life, they seem to question the ability of the person who has come to them with these characteristics? Why is that when that individual has come, we seem to hold back and say, maybe someone better will come? At first the person expects love must be there within the first interaction rather then compatibility, which does happen too often at times. The person so to say, falls in love with the person immediately and that feeling must carry through out the process of marriage or of being a potential spouse. Once that feeling is gone, they are no longer eligible because that so called feeling of love is no longer there.

This is a mistake we seem to make, which makes us over look the great characteristics of a person our Prophet has advised us to marry. Love does not develop in a short period of time and then disappear because that simply is not love. True love develops over time, through understanding, mutual agreement, compatibility and companionship. You cannot say you truly love a person within a year or months or weeks because you are fooling yourself in developing these feelings which will disappear because the impact, the feeling had happened so quickly.

Love develops over time as you and the person come closer together through a mutual feeling, companionship and understanding. Most importantly the individual as a Muslim must be of good religion, good practice of the deen first, then their character and then all other, beauty and wealth the Prophet has advised us to look for. So why is that when a person who has met these standards on the hadiths the Prophet has given us, we seem to ignore it? We seem to concentrate more so on the financial situation which Allah has blessed them with and love, rather then the deen. We seem to think so far out into the future, which instills a belief of negative feelings rather then being positive. If you are looking for true love, you must be patient with that individual first and foremost because love is not an over night thing like a Hollywood movie. Love should develop between you two over time. If you expect you must love that person instantly you will hurt yourself.

As people of this beautiful ummah, we must not take these hadiths lightly as we all need to marry for religion and character first. Through our spouses we will be developing a generation that will carry the flag of Islam. We must not ignore this as your wife is a Madressa (school) for your children as they will likely learn islam, good manners and habits through her. You must also find a good husband who your children will learn the religion of islam as well and who will also teach good manners and habits. As when you die whatever you’ve taught your children of the deen will stay behind and benefit you on the day of judgement on the scale of good deeds. Don’t just expect to love someone instantly. If they have good character, the person is of good practice and understanding of the deen, and compatibility is there, truly consider it as this will benefit you and your children, don’t let that person go thinking, I may get better when the better you’ve been looking for is right here. It will benefit the ummah and love will develop through companionship and compatibility and Allah knows best.

May Allah bless us all with pious and righteous spouses who stay close to the Quran and Sunnah. Who will treat us right and fulfill the other half of our deen.

I have a written a book which discusses in depth in what to look for a spouse. You can get the book at the links below

https://payhip.com/b/3FdM (Pay What You Want – PDF Version)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – Kindle Version)

Read reviews here: https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/the-strongest-version-of-yourself-book-reviews/

Don’t Be Forced To Marry Someone You Don’t Want To

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Whenever you decide to get married, please don’t force yourself to like someone because your parents have presented them to you. Often at times, parents will present their children with someone they find interest in and then force their children to like them and marry them because they think they are a perfect fit for them. This is incorrect and you’ll more than likely be in a miserable marriage because you never wanted them in the first place. It’s like sitting at a table with your least favourite foods and they are telling you to eat it, while on the other side of the table, all your favourite foods are there.

Be smart when you are making this decision. It is going to be your life, your hours, your time, your heart, your effort into this marriage not your parents. Of course they’ll help you with the nikah and walima but after that, it is just you and your spouse. Parents who are culturally grounded will beg you stay in the marriage because it’ll tarnish their reputation, while you are emotionally destroyed everyday. They’ll force you, they’ll blackmail you, they’ll constantly beg you to stay. No, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, so before it ever gets to that point, make the right decision on who you want to marry. Don’t marry because your parents say they are good for you but know within your heart, from making a decision then praying ishtikhara if they are good for you. Ishtikhara isn’t Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala making a decision for you, it is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala guiding you to a better decision. It’s not about dreams either. It’s not about seeing colours and all that. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is going to facilitate a matter which is going to be best for you.

Make a stand, be courageous, stand up for what you want and what you don’t think is right for you. If you are quiet while your parents are setting someone up for you, you are to blame because you allowed it. You are allowed to make decisions, so make sure, this one, marriage is a right decision and not a forceful one.

Helping you choose the right spouse is covered in my book “The Strongest Version Of Yourself”

You can purchase the book here:

https://payhip.com/b/3FdM (Currently Pay What You Want – PDF VERSION)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – KINDLE VERSION)

Do Not Be Hasty

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Do not be hasty to get married because there aren’t many proposals coming your way.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone makes you a better Muslim, while you are not practicing right now to become a better Muslim.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone will wake you up for fajr, wake up for fajr now, so you wont need another to help you with that as well.

And do not be hasty to get married to run away from your problems because your problems will still either exist or increase, do your best to solve them, so you wont be burdened with more.

And do not be hasty to marry any individual that comes your way because you think you aren’t good enough, because that individual may end up making you feel that way, instead of what you hoped.

And do not be hasty to marry someone who is not upon the correct aqeedah (beliefs), upon the Qur’an & Sunnah because you may think, they will later but they may never, only for their beliefs to hurt your kids.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping that individual changes because changing for another individual will be temporary, make sure they have changed because the need to change for themselves.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone loves you, while in the meantime you could love yourself because they may never love you, instead destroy you.

And do not be hasty to get married because others seem happy on the surface but deep down inside, they are hurting and behind closed doors being abused.

And do not be hasty to get married because being patient will bring the right individual and being hasty may make you regret your decision. Have tremendous faith in Allah SWT that the right one will come. Do not sign your life away with regrets but sign with relief, confidence, being upon the Qur’an & Sunnah, being a practicing muslim that loves yourself and insha’Allah, you’ll live a happy married life.

Why Are We Struggling To Get Married?

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Why are we struggling to get married?

First, our parents put too many expectations on your spouse to be. They expect that individual to be of your origin and from your village. Then, the degree, wealth and career choice. It’s not common for parents to worry about deen because some how it isn’t important.

Second, our expectations. Beautiful, handsome, ethnicity, what type of degree and career choice. Sometimes I absolutely hear really stupid things. like “If they don’t have a degree, how can they have an intellectual conversation?” C’mon, bruh, really? Once again, It’s not common for us to worry about deen.

Want to make getting married easier? Make sure that individual is at least practicing Islam to the best of their ability. Anyone can wear a hijab. Anyone can grow a beard but it is the actions of the limbs and tongue that matter most. If they have that, then look at them. Are they attractive to you? Do you see what you like? OK good, if they do. Next, make sure you are compatible. You two get along. Can make each other laugh and smile. That individual is open minded and understanding. They have goals. Long term and short term.

Money? It is needed but not an excessive amount. Degrees? Cool if you have, cool if you don’t. If that individual doesn’t have deen, then you as a Muslim, they aren’t right for you. Deen is what will run the family and raise the kids. Without it, you are lost. You need that individual to be upon the Quran and Sunnah, not upon misguidance and innovations.

Easy as written? I wish! let’s make it easy then. As parents and spouses to be.

Look Good & Be Good To Each Other

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I’ve noticed that men on the day of the walima (feast, wedding) will dress in the nicest clothing. Look extremely tidy and neat but as soon as that is over, they won’t look neat and tidy. Instead, they’ll become over weight and look like they are either pregnant or they are the ones that actually carried the baby with the weight they’ve gained. When they do look and dress nice, it is very rare but they expect their wives to look beautiful on most occasions.

Abdullah Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “I love that I beautify myself for my wife just like I love that she beautifies herself for me.” {Musannaf li-Ibn Abi Shaybah}

I’ve also noticed women before the wedding will drop a few sizes, lose weight just to beautify themselves for their husband. As soon as that is over, the woman becomes comfortable and lets herself go. Eating is important but eating healthy and taking care of yourself is important too. Your husband may never leave you when you gain weight but your health comes first.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Your body has a right over you.” {Shahih Al-Bukhari]

I also feel for the husband who works his butt off trying to provide a better living for his wife and children but his wife is not compassionate or appreciative of what is being done, instead just nags and complains about wanting more, is verbally abusive, making him feel unwanted and unappreciated.

I also feel for the wife who does everything in the household, cleaning, cooking, and looking after and raising the children but her husband is not compassionate or appreciative of what is being done, instead just nags, complains and is verbally abusive, making her feel unwanted and unappreciated.

Both should take time to realize what is being done in order for them to have the best lifestyle and living provided. It is not easy but what will make it easier if you appreciate the effort and give compliments instead of nagging and complaining about the effort being put in.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family” [Sunan At-Tirmidhi]

The Prophet Muhammad also never complained about the food that was made. If he didn’t like it, he would leave it. This should be a lesson for those husbands, especially husbands that constantly complain about the wife’s effort in preparing and making the food. Emeril never became great in a day, Chef Ramzi never became great in a day and no one ever did but they continuously put the effort into make the best food possible. If your wife cooks for you, eat it don’t complain. Be patient with her, she is trying and doing it because she cares about you or she would probably poison you (joking).

It is reported by Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him): The Prophet (peace & blessings be upon him) would never complain about the food, but he would eat the food he liked and would leave what he disliked (shahih bukhari)

Keeping Your Happy Marriage To Yourself

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This day and age, with social media, it is very easy to share your happiness with people in a second but at the same time, it is very easy to lose. Many of us are blessed with beautiful marriages and we publicize them to people we don’t even know. Sometimes to people who we know as well but they aren’t really happy for our new found happiness. Instead, they hope it breaks apart because they either didn’t get you or they wish they had what you had.

Protecting yourself from envious people, who pray for your downfall begins when you stop publicizing important details about your life, which of course, one of them is marriage. We all want to share happy moments with others but not everyone is going to openly accept them. If you are a single sister who just happens to get married but there were many proposals that came your way, do your best to keep it within a close circle of people that you actually know. If you are a single brother who just happens to get married but there were many proposals that came your way, do your best to keep it within a close circle of people. Social media doesn’t need to know because a lot of us have people on social media that we don’t even know and sometimes, even the people we know don’t want us to be happy.

Don’t post pictures of you and your spouse smiling and being happy. Don’t post pictures of your wedding day. Don’t post any type of pictures where people will turn that happy moment against you. The evil eye is real and it can destroy something good. It is the only thing that can change the decree. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The evil eye is real and if anything were to overtake the divine decree, it would be the evil eye.” [Muslim]

There is someone lurking, waiting, hoping you aren’t happy with the one that makes you happy. What you going to do? Call Ghostbusters!!

No, I am joking but don’t post these types of thing on social media. It’s best to keep your happiness between you and your loved ones.

(The eye of Fatima does not protect you from the evil eye, in fact, it will harm you so only seek protection from Allah. Not from any amulets (taweez) given to you)

Parents, Wali (Guardians) Please Be Open Minded

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Parents have a responsibility of at least meeting their children’s potential spouse. The refusal could lead to cutting off ties of kinship (which is not permissible in Islam) and the children running away together simply because you aren’t open minded about their wants and needs. Parents think they are always right in the end and what I want for my children is always best. That may be correct but at the same time, you are only looking into your wants and needs which differ from your children’s, as they are created differently.

Many times children are put into difficult situations, where it is my family or my spouse to be? Eventually, the ego within the refusal of the parents, turns into marriage happening secretly, zina (sex) where the woman ends up getting pregnant or the ties of kinship getting broken.

Parents should be open minded about meeting the individual. This is their future, as you’ have done your best to shape theirs. Not everything will go your way and they will not do everything as you have dreamed of. Islam is more than just skin colour, traditions and cultures. It is firstly, eman (faith) and good character. If that individual, spouse to be has that, allow the marriage to happen by putting your ego aside and being open minded. You have done your best to protect your best investment, which is your children but refusals after refusals and giving you an understanding will led to things that will hurt your children and hurt you.

Don’t ever allow it to lead to that point. Please, be open minded. Meet them, so your children feel as if they are important even though you made them feel that way their whole life. They want to create a future which is fitting for them, so allow them that choice as you can’t protect them their whole life. Tie your camel and leave the rest to Allah SWT.

*This article is only a follow up to another article I’ve written*

https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2013/04/11/can-i-marry-in-secrecy-think-reflect/