Looking Beyond The Dowry (mahr)

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Ladies – your dowry is important in Islam as it solidifies the marriage but to take it to an extreme and ask for unreasonable amounts makes you greedy. It is definitely your right to ask for whatever you like and however much you like but did you even consider that all that amount your asking for will be paid for and more through out the lives you two will live together, inshaallah.

That $10,000 dowry will be nothing compared to the amount of money your husband will spend on you several years down the line, unless he is stingy and cheap but Islam doesn’t allow that as he has to spend to provide for you. Don’t take advantage of the dowry. Look forward to the years spent together. Money doesn’t equal love and him having a lot money doesn’t equal him loving you more and him having and giving you less, doesn’t equal less love and fun. Love is more than digits in the account, a good job and a shiny ring. These things don’t signify love and understanding of the Quran and sunnah. But morals, respect, appreciation and love do. Because a believing man upholds the sunnah and clings to it and loves you according to it and more.

He doesn’t put you down, treat you like a slave and only comforts you when you beg. Love is unconditional and it shouldn’t have to be forced nor come attached with a massive price tag. Islam has made getting married easy but it is us, family, culture, influence that have made it difficult. If you truly want to get married, make the dowry easy and Allah subhanawatala will make the marriage beautiful. When marriage is made difficult and lots of money is spent towards the wedding itself, statistics say, it fails. Statistics aren’t facts but it’s an eye opener to the current trends of high priced marriages and miserable lives that come after. It is not to say, that your marriage will fail if you spend a lot but it is not from the sunnah. Rather what is from the sunnah is simplicity and making things easy upon the people and not burden them.

Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) said: “The most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses.” [Bayhaqi]

Before You Get Married Know…..

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Some very important advice for those who intend to get married

Know what Islam teaches about marriage extremely well and what is permissible and impermissible in the marriage contract and what you and your spouse can agree to. Some families think that people are ignorant about Islam and they can implement whatever they want in the contract and ask for unrealistic conditions that are obviously from jahiliyaa (pre-islamic) and people will just agree. Some people also put high prices on their daughters for mahr and other things in hopes that one day, there is a divorce and the ex-husband has to pay a lump sum. Some families get their daughters married hoping, a divorce happens one day, so they are entitled to riches due them following something that isn’t even from Islam. It is absolutely sick that parents intend to marry their daughters hoping they get a divorce, so they can leave with money or gold. As if, their daughters are an item and a price tag has to be agreed to either on the mahr or during a divorce period. Whatever you and your spouse agree to in the marriage contract is what you abide by. Your parents can threaten you with a knife, call you disgusting names, hit you but know that Allah is protecting you just as you are protecting your rights in Islam, which He has given. Don’t allow no family, no matter if they are kings, princess, prime ministers, presidents, to walk all over you and ask you to agree to unrealistic and unislamic demands that could never, ever be met. This is why it is so important to know the deen (religion) so when it is time for you to get married, you know what is permissible and what is not. You know your rights and you give each other their rights. And always, always, always, put your spouse first. Fight for them, be with them and don’t allow any man or woman to abuse them, even if it is their own family. Speak up, stand your ground, be firm and be blunt, protect each others honour. Grow to love each other, respect, and spend time with each other in order for you two to adapt to each others likes and dislikes so you can better understand each other. Pay attention to each others needs and don’t expect the marriage to be only about you and then your spouse. Marriage isn’t about yourself but it is about the two of you and Allah has given the husband and wife rights that they must honour. Don’t abuse them, be at peace, make amends, wipe away tears, give hugs, be compassionate, merciful and forgive each other. Don’t hold any grudges either. Most importantly, put Islam first and insha’Allah, you will be successful.

Pretending To Be Interested

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A lot of us are looking to find the right spouse through the internet, from friends or even family members. We want to be set up with someone who will help us become better in every single way but many times, the people who we think are sincere and serious about marriage are really not and end up wasting our time, playing with our emotions and feelings. It becomes heart breaking, it leads to depression and it can potentially ruin things for someone who may come in the future with the right intentions because your impression left a scar on that individual, who doesn’t want to trust others.

If you are not serious about getting wanting to marry someone, stop wasting your time and their time. Your life may be boring, you may want to have an interesting conversation with someone to “see” where it goes but this may not be the intention of the person on the other end. People interpret things differently. So you may see a conversation going one way, while the other person see’s it another way. Your approach maybe friendly and mean something else but to them, your approach is everything they’ve ever wanted and is finally coming true.

We are at fault for expecting things that are not set in stone but you are also at fault for giving false hopes of talking about getting married and talking about a bright future. Your intentions may have been in the right place, Allah knows best but to seek someone just for your own enjoyment, to cure your boredom is evil and directly impacts a person negatively, while they hold onto these hopes of things becoming true, while you string them along and only want their comfort and entertainment.

Your actions lead people into depression which can be for a long time depending on how much they actually “loved you” and how much they believed it could be true. It is also true, everything is the decree of Allah subhana wata’ala but we are also responsible for our actions and how we display them to others. We are responsible for our speech whether it be true or false and responsible for the promises we make. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Religion is sincerity.” [Muslim] So let us do our best to be sincere when we speak to others and not deceive them to cure our boredom, to enjoy ourselves while they continuously work to make things work. While they do ishtikhara (guidance salah) and you do not and you delay it, while they patiently wait for you to do it. If a person wants to do ishtikhara and is serious about you, there will be no excuses or “ill do it another day or when I have time”, it’ll happen A.S.A.P. because they cannot wait to see what Allah has written for them.

Many of us are grown adults and many of us want to wear the shoes of adults and get married but if you cannot be sincere or act mature and stand up for what you feel and believe, how could you possibly take care of someone else and fulfill the rights given to each other by Allah subhana wata’ala? We have to be careful because these are people’s feelings we are dealing with and what we say may or may not intend to do, can leave scars, so be careful as you would not like what you are doing to others done to you, your siblings or your children in the future.

It is impossible to be sincere all the time because we all make errors but we must check our intention before following that compass that may lead you to the right path. If you are seriously considering that person for marriage, take the right approach and speak to their wali (guardian) to make things halal (permissible.) If not, let them go so they can find someone right for them and if you are not serious about marriage, then don’t bother others who are seriously considering sharing their life with someone.

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If you need advice, feel free to contact me at mshabazz33@gmail.com

Interested in purchasing my book: The Strongest Version Of Yourself? Purchase here: https://payhip.com/b/3FdM

Will Marriage Solve My Problems?

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Most people now-a-days are eager to married and begin their lives with their spouse to be. They imagine all the fun things they’ll do together, plan on having kids and going on vacations. How their spouse will encourage them to be better Muslims and even help them wake up for fajr salah, as it seems it is the most difficult to do for people. While in other cases, people are looking to get married for all the wrong reasons, hoping it “cures” them.

People often message me or email for advice and most instances, it is about wanting to get married to an individual (read When Do I know When I Am Ready To Get Married?). Most of the emails or messages pertain to them not being emotionally and mentally ready but are persistent on wanting to begin their lives with another individual. They believe, whatever on going problems they have, getting married will automatically solve all their problems and they will live happily ever after. Often, this is not the case as it turns for the worse and I usually get emails or messages like this:

“Brother, I made a huge mistake, they aren’t the right person for me. I thought getting married would solve all my problems but it didn’t, it made things worse. WHAT DO I DO??!?! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?”

Or

“Brother, I was emotionally attached to someone else and I was unable to get married to them, so I decided to marry someone else but a few months after marriage, I don’t think they are right for me because I still have feelings for someone. I thought, being with them would make me forget about them but it hasn’t. I don’t love this person. I don’t have feelings either.”

Too many times, people plan on getting married because their lives are miserable, they have nothing going for them, they are lazy or because they see someone else getting married and desire it too. Only for them to be put in a position where it does not benefit them, doesn’t solve their problems but only worsens their situation, which escalates into something much bigger. People think, marriage is like the wave of a hand and everything that used to exist in their life will disappear. Your past, your pain, your emotionally distress, your depression and everything else. It is like taking a tylenol and your pain disappears within hours.

Do people not understand that marriage is a life time commitment? It involves someone else giving their life, their time, their feelings, all towards you because they want to love you and spend the rest of their life with you. They come to you with honest and sincere feelings, while you, come with a baggage full of your past, hope to dump it on them, only for you to pack your baggage again and move else where because unpacking wasn’t the right idea.

You have to understand, marriage involves you being more mentally ready, rather than being physically. Everyone is physically ready because we are all attracted to one another in different ways but if you are not mentally ready, dealing with so many things in your life, you will not be ready for marriage. You hope and think, this individual will “cure” you, will understand your problems, will solve them but they don’t, then what? You want to get up, walk away because it hasn’t solved a thing, rather made you feel worse because you weren’t mentally prepared. On the other side, the individual you married loves you, thought you were prepared to share your lives together, only to find out, you were there for other reasons, rather than just loving each other for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala.

Before you ever decide to get married make sure you are mentally prepared and ready. You’ve learned to let go of your past and you are not depressed. There isn’t baggage coming with you. You hope this individual doesn’t solve your life’s troubles and problems. You aren’t doing this because you want to forget about someone you had feelings for. People work on their physically selves tirelessly, putting on make up, working out, being healthy but don’t work on letting go of their past. They don’t work on being better version of themselves, hoping their knight in shining armour or princess comes to rescue them of their woes and worries.

Remember, when you get married, it is not about you anymore, it is about the both of you. Sharing feelings and memories. Growing together and loving each other. Do so with the right intentions. Marrying for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala and not marrying hoping someone will take your misery away, when they may not and only make you more miserable.

Don’t Be Forced To Marry Someone You Don’t Want To

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Whenever you decide to get married, please don’t force yourself to like someone because your parents have presented them to you. Often at times, parents will present their children with someone they find interest in and then force their children to like them and marry them because they think they are a perfect fit for them. This is incorrect and you’ll more than likely be in a miserable marriage because you never wanted them in the first place. It’s like sitting at a table with your least favourite foods and they are telling you to eat it, while on the other side of the table, all your favourite foods are there.

Be smart when you are making this decision. It is going to be your life, your hours, your time, your heart, your effort into this marriage not your parents. Of course they’ll help you with the nikah and walima but after that, it is just you and your spouse. Parents who are culturally grounded will beg you stay in the marriage because it’ll tarnish their reputation, while you are emotionally destroyed everyday. They’ll force you, they’ll blackmail you, they’ll constantly beg you to stay. No, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, so before it ever gets to that point, make the right decision on who you want to marry. Don’t marry because your parents say they are good for you but know within your heart, from making a decision then praying ishtikhara if they are good for you. Ishtikhara isn’t Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala making a decision for you, it is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala guiding you to a better decision. It’s not about dreams either. It’s not about seeing colours and all that. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is going to facilitate a matter which is going to be best for you.

Make a stand, be courageous, stand up for what you want and what you don’t think is right for you. If you are quiet while your parents are setting someone up for you, you are to blame because you allowed it. You are allowed to make decisions, so make sure, this one, marriage is a right decision and not a forceful one.

Helping you choose the right spouse is covered in my book “The Strongest Version Of Yourself”

You can purchase the book here:

https://payhip.com/b/3FdM (Currently Pay What You Want – PDF VERSION)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – KINDLE VERSION)

Do Not Be Hasty

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Do not be hasty to get married because there aren’t many proposals coming your way.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone makes you a better Muslim, while you are not practicing right now to become a better Muslim.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone will wake you up for fajr, wake up for fajr now, so you wont need another to help you with that as well.

And do not be hasty to get married to run away from your problems because your problems will still either exist or increase, do your best to solve them, so you wont be burdened with more.

And do not be hasty to marry any individual that comes your way because you think you aren’t good enough, because that individual may end up making you feel that way, instead of what you hoped.

And do not be hasty to marry someone who is not upon the correct aqeedah (beliefs), upon the Qur’an & Sunnah because you may think, they will later but they may never, only for their beliefs to hurt your kids.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping that individual changes because changing for another individual will be temporary, make sure they have changed because the need to change for themselves.

And do not be hasty to get married hoping someone loves you, while in the meantime you could love yourself because they may never love you, instead destroy you.

And do not be hasty to get married because others seem happy on the surface but deep down inside, they are hurting and behind closed doors being abused.

And do not be hasty to get married because being patient will bring the right individual and being hasty may make you regret your decision. Have tremendous faith in Allah SWT that the right one will come. Do not sign your life away with regrets but sign with relief, confidence, being upon the Qur’an & Sunnah, being a practicing muslim that loves yourself and insha’Allah, you’ll live a happy married life.

Look Good & Be Good To Each Other

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I’ve noticed that men on the day of the walima (feast, wedding) will dress in the nicest clothing. Look extremely tidy and neat but as soon as that is over, they won’t look neat and tidy. Instead, they’ll become over weight and look like they are either pregnant or they are the ones that actually carried the baby with the weight they’ve gained. When they do look and dress nice, it is very rare but they expect their wives to look beautiful on most occasions.

Abdullah Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “I love that I beautify myself for my wife just like I love that she beautifies herself for me.” {Musannaf li-Ibn Abi Shaybah}

I’ve also noticed women before the wedding will drop a few sizes, lose weight just to beautify themselves for their husband. As soon as that is over, the woman becomes comfortable and lets herself go. Eating is important but eating healthy and taking care of yourself is important too. Your husband may never leave you when you gain weight but your health comes first.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Your body has a right over you.” {Shahih Al-Bukhari]

I also feel for the husband who works his butt off trying to provide a better living for his wife and children but his wife is not compassionate or appreciative of what is being done, instead just nags and complains about wanting more, is verbally abusive, making him feel unwanted and unappreciated.

I also feel for the wife who does everything in the household, cleaning, cooking, and looking after and raising the children but her husband is not compassionate or appreciative of what is being done, instead just nags, complains and is verbally abusive, making her feel unwanted and unappreciated.

Both should take time to realize what is being done in order for them to have the best lifestyle and living provided. It is not easy but what will make it easier if you appreciate the effort and give compliments instead of nagging and complaining about the effort being put in.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The best of you are the best to their families, and I am the best to my family” [Sunan At-Tirmidhi]

The Prophet Muhammad also never complained about the food that was made. If he didn’t like it, he would leave it. This should be a lesson for those husbands, especially husbands that constantly complain about the wife’s effort in preparing and making the food. Emeril never became great in a day, Chef Ramzi never became great in a day and no one ever did but they continuously put the effort into make the best food possible. If your wife cooks for you, eat it don’t complain. Be patient with her, she is trying and doing it because she cares about you or she would probably poison you (joking).

It is reported by Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him): The Prophet (peace & blessings be upon him) would never complain about the food, but he would eat the food he liked and would leave what he disliked (shahih bukhari)

Keeping Your Happy Marriage To Yourself

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This day and age, with social media, it is very easy to share your happiness with people in a second but at the same time, it is very easy to lose. Many of us are blessed with beautiful marriages and we publicize them to people we don’t even know. Sometimes to people who we know as well but they aren’t really happy for our new found happiness. Instead, they hope it breaks apart because they either didn’t get you or they wish they had what you had.

Protecting yourself from envious people, who pray for your downfall begins when you stop publicizing important details about your life, which of course, one of them is marriage. We all want to share happy moments with others but not everyone is going to openly accept them. If you are a single sister who just happens to get married but there were many proposals that came your way, do your best to keep it within a close circle of people that you actually know. If you are a single brother who just happens to get married but there were many proposals that came your way, do your best to keep it within a close circle of people. Social media doesn’t need to know because a lot of us have people on social media that we don’t even know and sometimes, even the people we know don’t want us to be happy.

Don’t post pictures of you and your spouse smiling and being happy. Don’t post pictures of your wedding day. Don’t post any type of pictures where people will turn that happy moment against you. The evil eye is real and it can destroy something good. It is the only thing that can change the decree. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The evil eye is real and if anything were to overtake the divine decree, it would be the evil eye.” [Muslim]

There is someone lurking, waiting, hoping you aren’t happy with the one that makes you happy. What you going to do? Call Ghostbusters!!

No, I am joking but don’t post these types of thing on social media. It’s best to keep your happiness between you and your loved ones.

(The eye of Fatima does not protect you from the evil eye, in fact, it will harm you so only seek protection from Allah. Not from any amulets (taweez) given to you)

Parents, Wali (Guardians) Please Be Open Minded

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Parents have a responsibility of at least meeting their children’s potential spouse. The refusal could lead to cutting off ties of kinship (which is not permissible in Islam) and the children running away together simply because you aren’t open minded about their wants and needs. Parents think they are always right in the end and what I want for my children is always best. That may be correct but at the same time, you are only looking into your wants and needs which differ from your children’s, as they are created differently.

Many times children are put into difficult situations, where it is my family or my spouse to be? Eventually, the ego within the refusal of the parents, turns into marriage happening secretly, zina (sex) where the woman ends up getting pregnant or the ties of kinship getting broken.

Parents should be open minded about meeting the individual. This is their future, as you’ have done your best to shape theirs. Not everything will go your way and they will not do everything as you have dreamed of. Islam is more than just skin colour, traditions and cultures. It is firstly, eman (faith) and good character. If that individual, spouse to be has that, allow the marriage to happen by putting your ego aside and being open minded. You have done your best to protect your best investment, which is your children but refusals after refusals and giving you an understanding will led to things that will hurt your children and hurt you.

Don’t ever allow it to lead to that point. Please, be open minded. Meet them, so your children feel as if they are important even though you made them feel that way their whole life. They want to create a future which is fitting for them, so allow them that choice as you can’t protect them their whole life. Tie your camel and leave the rest to Allah SWT.

*This article is only a follow up to another article I’ve written*

https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2013/04/11/can-i-marry-in-secrecy-think-reflect/

Expectations Vs Reality

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If you are not married as of yet, asl yourself if it is your expectations that have been pushing away the potentials that you have come across. Every person has a right to expectations but sometimes it is our own expectations that may seem unrealistic or fantasy like that destroys something that could have been good. If all you are looking for is wealth, know that this wealth will not help you buy to fix your marital problems. If you are looking for degrees, know these degrees can’t help you fix your marital problems.

Look for something within the individual that no wealth can acquire and no degree can earn. Each of us have this uniquely, blessed gift, called personality and characteristics. These are two treasures each of us hold and no matter where you search in the world, you will not find someone with the same. You may find someone who has something better but the search for something better may come too late or may never come.

Hold onto someone who has been blessed to come your way with a positive attitude, personality, characteristics and someone you are also attracted to. Wealth is required to build a home but does not build love, compassion, sympathy, closeness, romance, sweetness and more, nor do degrees. Look to build with what you’ve been blessed with and know it is Allah SWT that will provide through his rizq (provisions) to make your marriage the best it can be, as long as effort is made.

We all have choices in life. Make the best choice that will build a happy home and not a broken home when a degree no longer matters and wealth disappears.