I would like to share something personal with you all. I’ve been dwelling on this topic for a few days now and I’ve been going back and forth with it in my head. I didn’t want to write it because, I don’t want to seem as if I am a better Muslim than you all or I am showing off but I am writing this because after that morning, something inside of me has told me to write about my experience. Maybe it is the shaytaan that has prevented me from penning, well penning is not the right word but typing my feelings out. It’s still heavy on my chest and on my mind, kind of weighing me down and has only made me want to share my feelings or to say, experience. Here it is…..
I cried like a baby a few days ago. You are probably thinking, that’s it? You cried? You do know, just because you are a man doesn’t mean you can’t cry. Yes, I know but that’s not the reason why Im sharing this with you. Let me tell you…
I had finished my suhoor a few days ago and I was waiting for fajr salah to begin with the congregation at my local masjid. I made my way there through the coolness of the morning, walking quickly hoping I don’t miss a unit of prayer. Joining a brother of African American descent beside me, made me feel great as a Muslim because it shows unity and Islam is not only a religion for Arabs but Islam is a religion for all of mankind. Through out the salah, I kept saying to myself for some odd reason, his recitation is very beautiful how come I won’t cry? But every time he recited certain words which I understood, I got goosebumps and it would instantly hit me.
He had begun the second unit of prayer and Im still standing there, listening to the beautiful recitation of the Quran. As we came out of rukoo, stood up, the imam had started making duaa, as this is the qunoot which is sometimes recited at the times of affliction when the Muslim ummah is affected by a calamity. It was then my heart just shook, my body felt weak and the tears were falling from my eyes. As I write this, tears are forming in my eyes. I don’t speak arabic but a lot of the duaas which were recited, I knew the meanings of them, so it shook me even more. It made me cry even more. The tears were just forming, dripping down my face, while the brother beside me was crying too.
All that i’ve been through in my life. All that I have seen these past couple of weeks with the people of Palestine being afflicted hit me like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The tears just kept on coming down my face. Nothing could have prepared me for crying in front of a crowd of people but it wasn’t a crowd of people that I was crying in front of but it was Allah SWT, the creator of the heavens and the earth. Never in my life had I cried the way I had cried during the duaa in fajr salah. Everything in my life, which Allah SWT had tried me with I accepted knowing it was best for me but it hurt a lot. Sometimes, you can accept the things in your life that keep happening or the tragedies in the world, knowing it is the decree of Allah but deep down, you are hurt from everything.
After the salah had finished, I quickly wiped the last couple of tears off my face, recited Ayatul Kursi and walked out the masjid. A great deal of weight that was on my heart and my mind was removed. I felt so relieved but I was questioning myself as to why I cried? I still ask myself, why did I cry that morning in fajr salah? The only logical reason I could come up with is because Allah had softened my heart in order for me to cry. In order for His words from the Quran to soften my heart. A lot of us have hard hearts and no matter what we do, how we live our lives, we cannot cry but crying, especially in front of your creator, when making duaa or listening to the Quran or reciting it is a mercy from Allah because His words are supposed to change your life, make you a better person.
May Allah SWT softens all our hearts and does not harden our hearts through out our lives and when they are softened, they remain that way.