Choosing The Right Partner – Part 2 – Compatibility

In this video I discuss how it is important to find someone that is compatible with you and not just someone who is simply based on looks. I also explain how a woman who had contacted me was considering marrying an individual just to protect her parents reputation even though she was not interested.

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Advice: Regarding Your Post on Solutions For a Heartbreak

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(She had allowed me to share her story)

 

Assalamu alaykum Malik Shabazz,

My name is ——- and I would like to thank you for writing “Solutions For a Heartbreak”. Jazakallah khair. It has helped put some things into perspective for me. I was still left with one question however. I’ve tried moving on for about a year now and every time I was able to get back on my feet, he would come into my life and bring me down again. The mistake I made was allowing us to be “friends” after. He would treat me like a friend one day, and more than that on others that it would give me hope. When I saw him pursuing someone else, it hurt me so much that I had to cut off all contact with him for the sake of my sanity. But even now that I’ve done that, I still can’t avoid him. He comes to my university to see her and they hang out at the places where I go to for either class or studying. And if not at university, I see him in downtown with her. I’ve tried to mend the rifts, realize that what we had in the first place was haraam, and let go of everything but I still feel so hurt when I see him. We’ve been together for about three years and I sincerely believed I loved him and I still do. I keep having thoughts like “he’s doing the exact same things with her as he did with me” or “what’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to marry me?”. I try so hard to be thankful to Allah and seek His forgiveness and accept that this is what was written for me. And every time I feel like I’ve come to terms with it, I see him and these thoughts come back into my mind. I feel so lost and everything in my minds seems so blurry and I don’t know who to turn to after Allah for advice. We have so many mutual friends it’s difficult for me to not run into him. Do you have any advice on how I can avoid him? Or how I can pick myself up more quickly after I see him? If you have time, your advice is very much appreciated.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing. It has helped me in many ways. May Allah reward you and give you the best in this life and the hereafter.
Wa salaam,
———
Walikhum salam, ——-. I clicked on your google+ profile and it says you are from Toronto! WOOHOO! A Torontonian like myself! That’s awesome!!

It’s really good that you let him go and let him stop hurting you. That’ was a huge step and you seen what he was doing to you. You’ve realized the value of yourself and you’ve believed you should not be treated like this anymore and you obviously deserve better. That is huge progress and many women do not do this. Instead, they continue to be treated badly but still pursue the man, hurting themselves over and over again. Be proud of yourself as you overcome a huge obstacle that many fail to see and realize.
In this situation you are going through, you have two options. Only two options. You either leave the university you are going to, avoid downtown and cut off all the mutual friends you have with each other and let him know he controls your affairs. He controls your heart. He controls your mind. He controls the way you live and he is basically in control of everything you do. Basically, he owns you.
Option number two is. You are strong and no matter how many times you see him with that other woman. No matter how many times you see him downtown. No matter how many times you mix with your mutual friends, you are strong because you are in control of how you feel. He does not control of how you feel and he has never have. He may have for that temporary moment in your lives together but he no longer does. People only have a such minor effect on us that we let them control the major parts of our body. That is our brain and our heart. He doesn’t own neither of those things. You can run away from him but running away never solves anyone’s problems. It’s obviously difficult to see him with someone else because you obviously saw a future with him. You planned a lot together and spent a lot of time together but after that, it never progressed. When facing anything in your life, you must face it standing tall and never be afraid of that moment. You are in control of who you are and will always be. The people on the outside, the people that were temporarily there, never controlled you but you allowed them to be this huge, massive, important person who was able to do as they pleased. If they wanted you to be unhappy, you became unhappy. If you wanted to be happy, you became happy. When giving people control of you, this is what happens. You control whether you should be happy or whether you should be sad and not any other individual. You tie your camel and leave the rest to Allah, that’s how life works.
Heartbreak is tough. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever dealt with but it builds so much character. It makes you understand the value of yourself. It makes you understand the value of your friends. It makes you love who you are. It makes you see your flaws that you work on them and you love them because it makes you who you are. People take heartbreak as such a terrible thing but it has built so many great people and made them value themselves even more. After this, value yourself like you’ve NEVER valued yourself in your life because you deserve it. Not from anyone else but from yourself. We are in control of minor things in our lives but the major things is in Allah’s hand and will always be. Whatever was meant to come your way was going to come and you would never avoid it. Whatever wasn’t was going to, is going to miss you. This should build you up to be the woman you want to become. The strongest version of yourself. This is what trials do. They build up superior characters from weak individuals that we once thought we were but we never were, we believed that we needed a crutch from someone else to see that value of ourselves when all we needed to do was realize who we were and what Allah SWT has blessed us with.
Insha’Allah, this helps. You are more than welcome to email me back whenever you like with more questions about anything.
————–
Assalamu alaykum,

Jazakallah khair for your response. You have raised many points that have given me strength and optimism when I think about moving forward now. I know it won’t be easy and it will take patience and Insha’Allah I will remember them and apply them to my daily life. I really appreciate the time and effort you took in replying back. I pray Allah will continue to shower His blessings on you in this life and the next. Ameen.

Wa salaam,
———
Solutions For A Heartbreak can be read here

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 3

I have to repeat my sentence: You are totally right, Malik. And yes, it would be odd. I think I just got used to it, talking to him on weekends.
He has a cellphone, but no internet on his cellphone. So no whatsapp..
But I´m really naive,  I think  everybody acts and thinks the way I do,that people always have good intentions and are honest.
I´ve never been in such a situation, and if someone asked me I always immediately rejected in a friendly and honest way (well,to my mind). What´s so difficult in speaking truth?
The quote “ you shouldn´t wait for me, ..” is meant a bit different, as I told him that I would never reject, if my parents want me to get married to someone…to him this was not traceable.Taht´s why, I think he said that to me.
I have to forget him..sounds so easy…
———————–
You are doing your best to defend this relationship which has gone south and decreased. You are still holding onto hope and nothing but hope. When it ends, you will be crushed because he had said from his mouth, it is not working or I am not ready to get married. There is no doubt, you are hurt now but wouldn’t it be better to at least to go while you aren’t hurt really bad?

Ask him, really, ask him, do you want to marry me? If he says, not yet or I don’t know. Then you know the answer is clear once again. Those words he told you, “you shouldn’t wait for me” are by far the most clearest words ever! It clearly states, It doesn’t matter whether I get married to you or not. If I do, then im happy, If I don’t then I am happy. A man will not say that nor a woman. They will say, we will get married, insha’Allah. Lets work it out and be patient.
Nothing is easy but it is better for your heart and better for you psychologically.
—————-
No, I won´t ask him to marry me..in that case I´m old fashioned, I know what you mean.He will never say “yes”.
It sounds like I´m still defending the relationship. But after reading your mails (thank you, thank you thank you) I realised, that I have to change something. I deleted all of his mails and skype of my computer and i have to say it felt really good..don´t know how long this feeling will last. I want to do something to delet everything that reminds me of him. Still thinking about delet my facebook account.. but secretly I´m hoping that he will regret it one day! That won´t happen..
————
Don’t delete your facebook because of him. Keep your social networks going but be careful with it. Don’t get sucked into it because a guy may speak really nice, sweet and sound genuine. Those are only words you are hearing/ready but not actions you are physically seeing, coming to see. Anyone can put words together but not everyone can live within those words and perform them.

Just do your best to stay clear of him and be occupied in other things, that will take your mind off of him. I really doubt, he will contact you because if you didn’t speak to him for 2 months and then, you contacted him 2 months later but he didn’t, then his interest wasn’t entirely there.
You are welcome 🙂 Glad, I could help.

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 2

Thank you so much for your mail! You are right, i know that..it´s just that I can´t see it objectiv like you:)
First of all: Yes you can use my mail on your page, but I would like to change some details, as i´m a bit paranoid:).
But what I don´t understand is: Why does he invest his time, if he is not interested? When I write him a mail just like that , he answers me. He asks me about everything I told him (job, interviews, my sisters and brothers), he remembers all details which I tell him.
BUT he is never the first who writes (exept it´s my birthday) but answers immediately, when i write him. And when I didn´t have the time to skype he tells me next time, that he was online waiting for me…
He himself told me the last time i asked him, if he is still interested, that he wouldn´t come online, if he wasn´t interested..
Besides, he is a little bit strange..or I would say very shy and not very selfconfident ( I suppose it´s because he´s not tall;) ).
He once told me about girls, that he really liked. One girl, which he knew from school ( thats about 10 years ago), was a good friend and he secretly really liked her, than she moved away and he didn´t even tell her about his feeling.- I told him, that this is really strange, but he said he didn´t want to. The seconde girl he liked was also a good friend, he knew her for some years and than one day she told him, that she met a boy in her hometown (she is engaged now). .. besides he once told me, that he doesn´t know why men should always do first steps in relationships…
SO I wrote him my mobile number, that he can contact  me ..but he just replied, that we will talk at the weekend on skype (or on weekdays on FB), when he is home. ( Calling someones mobile is more expensive here than a normal landline phone)
When I asked him about our relation, he told me, that he doesn´t want to marry unless he can offer me something, as he has got a fixed job now (for about 5 month) but still wants to move back to his hometown to work, but cant find a job there. That´s why he doesn´t have his own furniture in his apparment or a landline phone or internet.- I told him, that this doesn´t matter, but he said to him it does.
Look how I´m trying to denfend him 😀
I know, if I would now stop to skype with him and write him on fb, he would never write or ask me why…but when in write him in 2 months, he would immediately answer and say..”hey, how are you? Where have you been?…”
I feel like sitting on a couch and talking to a psychologist 🙂
Once again, thanks!
—————————–
One thing people who really care for another, always contact that individual first. A lot of times what I used to do was see if that individual would message me, that is after I’ve messaged them several times. To see if I cross their mind or not.
If you’ve messaged him two months later and he did not contact you within those two months, what does that tell you? Why is that you have to contact him first and then only he contacts you thereafter? Does that make any sense? What I’d say is don’t contact him at all and see when he decides to speak to you but that would not put your heart at ease or at rest. You would only become paranoid and fearful. Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore? Maybe I am doing the wrong thing? And so many more things.
The brother is correct though in looking for his benefits and your benefits in regards to being prepared for marriage. If he is not able to provide for you, there is a fear of that but does he know that is Allah SWT that provides rizq for everyone? Does he know that marriage would increase the blessings in his life and Allah SWT will give more?
The more you try to convince someone that you are good enough for them, the more you realize how much you value that person and how much you’ve devalued yourself. You are throwing yourself at him and he doesn’t seem to want to take the offer but only become fearful or make excuses, you know?
When someone is really interested in you, they wont say, I’ll only speak to you when I am home etc. They will speak to you whenever and whatever way they can because you mean a lot to that individual. Perhaps I don’t know the brothers circumstance and maybe he doesn’t have data on his phone or he doesn’t have WhatsApp but in reality, everyone has a phone with data correct? So if he has data, being able to communicate with you over WhatsApp would be the most easiest thing? Again, I don’t know the brothers situation. Maybe he doesn’t own a cellphone.
Be honest with me okay? If your friend said to you, I really enjoy your company and I really enjoy speaking to you but, I will only talk to you only on the weekends. How would that make you feel? Would you not be confused that you can only make time for me on the weekends but I make time for you all the time? No individual is alike but wouldn’t it be odd? I think it would be.
You really need to think of this situation and really come to a decision because what it seems like, is that you are really interested in him and he lacks interest in you despite what he says. You only contacting him and him only saying things like “I was waiting for you to come online but you never came” is only to make you feel guilty. Trust me.
Sister, you are worth more than this. Why continue to chase him, while he distances himself and continues to make “excuses” for being interested in you. Maybe he is but myself being a guy and knowing the situations and being in several situations in my life that are similar to what you are going through, I know what it is. I’ve been through what you are going through and I’ve come to a point in my life where I do not waste my time anymore with people who don’t want to invest time in me or is not confident in being with me. If that person wants to be with me, they will. I don’t chase anyone, I don’t try to convince them. I don’t even say, we get along great, etc; because the truth of the matter is, if you see it and they don’t, you are wasting your time. Relationships are based on mutual agreements, compromise and most important of all, sacrifice. He is not sacrificing what you are sacrificing for him. He continues to say “woah, woah, yeah, I got a job but………………………” you see, how everything he has said was but? There is no clear answer he has given you. When the brother had said to you, “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That is the most clearest answer ever given to anyone and that shows the lack of interest and he doesn’t care whether you two get married or not.
Right now, what you are doing is holding on, hoping he changes his mind. Hoping he agrees and you have a dream marriage and everything just fits perfectly together but from what you’ve told me, It doesn’t seem to go that way. Sister, don’t sit there waiting for someone to change. People are as they are. If the brother really wanted to marry you, him having a job, he would marry you and not say, “if you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” If a woman had said that to me, I’d know she doesn’t want a future with me and her interest in me isn’t there and she isn’t confident in this working.

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 1

One of the rights of a Muslim, upon another Muslim is when he/she seeks your advice, advise them. [Shahih Muslim]

His statement, “And when he seeks your advice, advise him.” This means that if he seeks consultation with you regarding some action, as to whether he should do it or not, then advise him with that which you would like for yourself. Thus, if the action is something that is beneficial in all aspects, then encourage him to do that, and if it is something harmful, then warn him against it. And if the action contains both benefit and harm, then explain that to him and weigh the benefits against the harms. Likewise, if he consults with you concerning some dealing with someone among the people, or whether he should marry a woman off to someone, or whether he should marry someone, then extend your pure and sincere advice to him, and deal with him from the view point of what you would do for you own self. And avoid deceiving him in any matter of these things. For verily whoever deceives the Muslims, then he is not of them, and indeed he has left off the obligation of being sincere and advising. And this sincerity and advising is absolutely obligatory, however it becomes more emphasized when the person seeks your advice and he requests from you that you give him a beneficial opinion. For this reason the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) specifically mentioned it in this important situation. The explanation of the hadeeth, “The religion is sincerity.”

I read your post about marriage and i´m really impressed about the work that you do here. May Allah bless you for that!
I´m still not sure if it´s necessary to write you my problem/ question, but as I read your articles it came to my mind.
So , where do I start? I´m a muslim, not married woman. And I know a man for almost 2 years. I´m confused about this relationship(?) and I don´t know what to do, as it is making me sick and sad thinking about it. I don´t know if I´m doing something wrong.
Well, although we know each other for 2 years, we have never meet each other. We know each other from the internet (a social network) and at the beginning we chatted almost every day on msn about everything in life (Deen, family, studies, work..) I got to know him better and liked his closeness to religion, which is also very important to me. I feel like having a male friend , which I never had ,exept my brother and dad.  After 3 or 4months our chatting decreased. We chatted twice a month, when he visited his parents. (He lives alone, about 4hours away from his parents because of his job and his internet is very slow). After a while i asked him about this relation. He said, that he is not sure, he cant say “yes” or “no”, he needs time and his job is really hard and important to him. After a some months we started talking on skype. I asked him again, and he still couln´t answer me. He needs time and i got angry. He said, that he is not that kind of guy who meets girls and has bad intentions. He is sure, that we would match, but if we meet (in real life :D) it would be hard to handle for him, because of the distance (as he also lives about 3 hours away from me).He also said, that I shouldn´t wait for him, if I know someone to marry, I should do it. He would never force me to stay in contact with him. Because of my anger i didn´t write him for about 3 weeks..until i realised that i miss his friendship. So i apologized to him and after a while he forgave me and we talked again on skype.. as he hasn´t got a car now, he visits his parents only once a month and so we talk only once a month. Sometimes I think, that this relation leads to nothing. I invest more in this relation than he does…as I asked him the questions about the sense of this relation and wait for him on skype to come online… but on the other hand he is a really special person, who is interested in my life and always listens.
Am I doing something wrong in keeping this relationship? Am I naive? Don´t know what to do..cant stay positive in this situation.
Oh my god, my message is reallly long.I´m sorrryy:) Hope you don´t mind reading it.  Thanks for your time.
Wa salam

——————–
Walikhum salam. Firstly, don’t ever apologize for writing an email, no matter how long it is. It takes a lot to tell someone their issues, so you should be proud of yourself for that. Smile.
I’ am going to be extremely blunt with you and you seem to know the answer yourself but you just need confirmation on what exactly to do. Your mind wants something but your heart is contradicting your mind, your intention.
When a man is interested in a woman, no job, no calamity, no nothing prevents him from wanting to be with her. No matter the distance between the two of you. Whether it is a 3 hour drive or a 25 hour flight. I had known a couple who knew each other for four years, I think. He lived in Toronto and she lived in Australia. They got married last year. They both wanted something to happen and they worked towards it, despite the problems they had. Despite the distance between each other, they made it work, alhumdulilah.
Also, when an individual says “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That itself is an answer that there is a lack of interest within the relationship. There is also him limiting his contact with you as well.
Never run back to a man unless he is your father or someone that is a tie of kinship, to keep relations going. When you miss him, he knows you need him but the reality is, he doesn’t need you. Harsh but it is the truth. When someone does not invest the same amount of time or close to what is given in, it is better to let go because you are returning with emptiness. Just like if you were to work for a company, you worked your butt off and you never got paid, the end result was not worth it. You invested your time, your hours and whatever else to be excellent for this position but you never got paid. You invested but they never invested nothing back.
He may be special to you but ask yourself, are you special to him? You know that answer by all the telling signs within the relationship over this period of time. You are not naive, you are just someone following your heart and feeling what is right. There is nothing wrong with that. Protect your heart because it is very precious and no one deserves it by stepping all over it and taking advantage of your kindness.
Don’t beat yourself over this, as you are not in wrong over this. He is in fact is losing someone special because he cannot appreciate what is given. What is valuable and that is time and your heart. Don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t seek interest in it fully. Guard your heart, protect your heart as possible. As I, myself is also single but no matter what has happened, I guard my feelings, I guard my heart and I don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t deserve it nor invest in it with the right intentions. Don’t change yourself, no matter what has happened over the period of 2 years. You will be appreciated for who you are. You will be loved for given what is best and that is yourself. Mature from this, grow from this but never regret. Life is not about regret but is about overcoming the trials in our lives and becoming better.
Insha’Allah, this helps. Feel free to write back whenever you like. As much as you like. It can be 3 pages and I’d read and respond, insha’Allah.
Keep in touch. Write back. I look forward to helping you and reading what you have to tell me.

Solutions For A Heartbreak

heartbreak

You’ve recently come out of a relationship with a person whom you thought your life was set with. You had all types of dreams. All types of conversations about getting married, living together, having kids and being husband and wife. You two had spent quite a lot of your time together. Being in a relationship which made you two feel spectacular together. Inseparable! Your friends knew about the two of you and they could only compliment your relationship and how fantastic it was. Life takes its own twist and turns and the relationship is no more.

Your heart is broken. Your pillow is wet. You are having sleepless nights and looking for ways to either get back together or look for ways to get over that individual. No matter what you’ve done through the weeks or months that have passed, you’ve been in a slump. Feeling blah and out of character because this individual, this person you loved so much, is no longer apart of your life. You’ve tried various methods on how to get over this person and NOTHING seems to work.

I will list several ways on how to get over this individual and why you can’t get over this individual, insha’Allah.

Why You Can’t Get Over Them?

1. Your expectations of being together were held way too high. As you know, life is unpredictable. Today you are healthy, tomorrow morning you are feeling sick with a high fever. Coughing, vomiting, thinking yesterday I was just fine, what happened to me today? When holding such high expectations of things you can only dream about coming true, eventually when it doesn’t you are in for a huge disappointment. This is how life can be at times. Unpredictable. You’ve held such high expectations of things coming true, when it didn’t, your life came crashing down like a building that has just been demolished or jenga. You want to NEVER hold anyone or anything to such high expectations that when it doesn’t go your way, your life goes away with it too. You are only capable of doing and giving what you are able to. After that, whatever comes is not in your hands and never has been. Hold people in a balanced position, when and if things don’t go as you’ve hoped or planned, your soul, your heart is not going with those expectations that have crumbled.

2. You feel you’ll never find a person like them. The point in the heart break where the thought races through your head, “I will never find someone like that ever again! I will never be loved the way they loved me! I will be lonely for life! No one will love me again!” You’ve held this person in your life to such a high plateau that everything has revolved around them. The way they loved you, the way they cared for you and the way they were so attentive to your needs. Now that they are gone, you feel no one can ever come close to that again. This is where you’ve held a person, a creation, to expectations which are unreal, not fit for anyone but all of us are capable of loving, caring and being attentive to one another. Instead you hold onto a firm belief, that no one will love you like them and you’ll never find someone like that ever again. This is where you are wrong. You don’t know if that person was right for you. You two may have gotten along but perhaps along the way, something may have happened which would have worsened the relationship  to the point where it was much more destructive than just a break up. Your life doesn’t end with just this individual and your heart and soul does not belong to them. Your heart and soul belongs to you and Allah SWT, your creator. There WILL be someone better than that individual and there will be someone that will come into your life who is a much more improved individual than that person was.

How To Get Over The Individual

1. Know that this individual never belonged to you in the first place and that Allah SWT, your creator had planned someone better all along. You need to firmly believe this because this is the decree of Allah SWT. As this thought will enable you to think positively about the future and what is to come into your life for the betterment of your life.

2. Cut off all communication you have with this individual. After a relationship ends, we tend to hold onto that person, wanting that person back in our lives, so we continue to speak to them, hoping things workout again. The fact of the matter is, if it was to workout, it would have but it didn’t. This is good for your life. It helped you avoid certain situations which again, could have been destructive in the future. Perhaps your eman (faith) would not improve. Perhaps the relationship would have led to the hell fire and Allah SWT had protected both of you from it. Cut all ties with this individual. Text messages, phone calls, block and delete from social networks. Do not spy on them. Delete pictures, old memories, take a deep breath and believe things will be better, insha’Allah. If the individual does decide to come back, you have to consider EVERYTHING that has happened in the relationship and if they are not serious about getting married and just want a relationship, you have to remind the person, we have something here which could be long term and you two were probably long term so come to my wali (guardian) and lets get married. If marriage is not what they want, then believe, marriage is something they’ve never wanted in the first place. Move on with your life and insha’Allah, you’ll be with someone who will commit their life to you with the right intentions.

3. Be around positive people. No matter what types of problems you have in your life, when you are around people who are happy, have a connection with Allah SWT, you will more than likely have that same feeling. You are what your friends are. If your friends cuss, you will likely cuss. If you friends are happy, always in a good mood, that will pass on to you. This will allow your mind to get off of so many things that weren’t meant to be and be around people who are meant to be in your life for a reason. Cherish them. These people are long term and will more than likely be around even after you’ve married the person Allah SWT has set aside for you.

4. Seek forgiveness with Allah SWT. Know that your relationship was haram (forbidden) and you need to make sincere repentance from being in a relationship with a non-mahram. This individual was not your spouse and everything you’ve done while being together was sinful. Allah SWT is Al-Gaffur (The Forgiving) so ask. This is my favourite hadith, I love it because it shows how reassuring and how forgiving Allah SWT is. How merciful He is.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Allaah, Blessed and Exalted is He, says, ‘O son of Adam, as long as you call on Me, I shall forgive you of what you have done, and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if your sins were to reach up to the clouds in the sky, and then you were to ask for My forgiveness, I would forgive you and think nothing of it. O son of Adam, even if you were to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you were to meet Me after death, not worshipping anything besides Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as the earth.” [Tirmidhi]

5. Be patient through your heart break and learn from this. Do not become bitter nor become overly depressed as this was out of your control. This individual was not meant for you from the very beginning of your life. Was never written but someone else is. Smile as often as you can and keep your head high. You are wasting your precious life, your tears, starving yourself because of a person that was not meant to be. Your life is worth more. Your body is worth more. You deserve happiness and happiness was not destined with this individual. Allah SWT had protected you from so much and you need to thank Allah SWT for it. The person that enters your life next, do not judge them based on this relationship or past relationships assuming things will go the same way. You do not know the outcome nor do you know their intentions. Be cautious but also be optimistic and positive that insha’Allah this person is the one. Take the right measures in getting to know this individual, so your heart and soul does not become attached and when they leave, the attachment, does not belong to them, it belongs to you. Be balanced and always, always, thank Allah SWT for everything.

Insha’Allah, this helps. If you have any questions or you are going through something like this and you need advice, feel free to contact me. My email is mshabazz33@gmail.com

Also read: https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2014/02/18/advice-regarding-your-post-on-solutions-for-a-heartbreak/

It Is Within You

fear

 

I’ve noticed one thing over the years that no matter who has come to me for advice, I always seem to help others overcome obstacles in their life. Whether it is confidence, self acceptance, heart breaks, breaking mental barriers, whatever it is. I always seem to help them break through these things and allow them to see their worth, their skills, how much and how far they’ve buried themselves in doubt and fear. How much of their lives are wasted by just sitting in the shadows of doubt and fear. In the shadows of procrastinating over things which do not exist but only temporarily exist because they’ve allowed all of these doubts and fears to exist. It wasn’t me that did anything for you. It was yourself who overcame your fears and doubts. All I did was encourage you to see the person you really are and the person you can be. That is all you have to do on a day to day basis is encourage yourself and see your worth. If you can do that. If you see that within yourself, you would laugh at all the problems you thought you had. Problems only exist in a realm which you created along with your doubts, your fears and procrastination. They never existed before so don’t allow them to exist now. Fear Allah SWT and never the creation. Remove your doubts by having tawakul, trust, reliance in Allah SWT and your procrastination needs to be replaced with confidence and belief you are able to do whatever is you put your mind to. Whatever is you want to do or be , be dedicated and the return is with Allah SWT. Do, believe and you will receive InshaAllah. You are able to overcome and live a better life but the question is, do you want to? Start today….

If you need advice, encouragement or need someone to talk to, feel free to ask.

Asalamwalikhum (Peace Be Upon You)

This is for those who have been following my blog all these months and those who have been reading it and for everyone else. I just want to let you all know, if you need someone to talk to about something, if you need advice on whatever it may be, don’t be afraid to send me a message. Don’t be afraid to ask me if you are unsure of something you’ve read on my blog. I don’t primarily write for myself. I write for the betterment of everyone else. Allah SWT has given me the ability to write to help others, so I am here to help you. Im sure you have a lot of unanswered questions. Im sure you are doubtful about certain things in your life, get the advice you need that will insha’Allah, help push you in a better direction. In a positive direction. That will insha’Allah enable you to be a better individual. There is nothing wrong with getting advice or help. There is nothing wrong with asking a question. Don’t let those doubts barricade you. Don’t build your mind on assumptions but build your mind based on something that will insha’Allah help you progress, that will clear those doubts and assumptions you have. Im here, so take the opportunity to use it to your advantage.

Why Women Get Played (Be Wanted, Not Needed)

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For many years, I have helped many people resolve issues in their lives. A lot of the issues I have helped address, have been relationship issues. Many of them pertaining women and how they have been treated by men. A lot of them seem to be left in a state of confusion with “men” who attempt to take the role of men, only ending up to be boys. Women who are easily swayed by words are usually the ones getting left and abused by these so called “men.” Saying all the right types of words they want to hear. I will explain below, as best as I can to address this issue and why women, nice women, get treated like dirt. Inshallah

The issue always begin with the woman always choosing and chasing the wrong type of guy. Every time I have talked to a woman, they usually end up with a douche bag, who has no idea how to treat his woman. They are easily swayed by words and this itself creates the problem in the first place. Words are manipulative and they are usually meaningless, unless there is a right intention behind it, which usually isn’t in this case.

It leads them down a dark road, which seems bright, with an imagination filled with love and romance. Which they believe is love and romance, which is nothing but an easy score for the guy. They wear their heart on the sleeve and continue to play through this charade the guy has put up, while the woman, believing everything the guy says and does. It leads to heartache and heart break, with so much to lose because usually they begin to lose their trust towards men in the future.

Again, words are manipulative and women are easily victim to these things. They continue to believe in this act of love and romance, which again, is nothing but their imagination coming into play. Women love to be loved and want to be loved. They want romance, well some do because it plays to their imagination which they have created for themselves. Most men easily understand these things because they know, a woman wants to be needed and they loved to be pampered. These things don’t come in the form of words now, they come in the form of gifts, which they believe is love now, is romance being portrayed.

Women will show they love their significant other, they will want attention in return because it’s what they believe is needed. It’s what women want, is the attention and the need to be loved because if they aren’t getting it in return, they feel torn apart because it is what they feel deserve. Men, again take advantage of this, creating distance, creating separation and only creating a mental and trust issue in the long run. When creating distance between each other, the woman craves the man more and shows more affection towards him because she feels she isn’t loving him enough. So she does all sorts of things to get his attention. Some do whatever the man says, just because they believe they are in love and want the love in return.

This is definitely a wrong way to handle yourself because you aren’t benefiting from the situation. You are only giving into their demand and charade which they acted out quite carefully. In the end, the man ends up leaving because he got what he needed. Now, the woman is left confused for many months. When it comes to men and women, women are not the type to get over a heart break easily. They will carry through this heart break for months. Not forgetting the things happening to them. They will drag themselves through the day and destroying relationships and friendships between those who are close them. It also destroys trust and love, for those who actually want to give it in return to them.

If only women were aware of these words and the actions that may come into play. If women only learned from their mistakes and did not destroy the trust lost between the past and the present. What happens in the past, should only be a lesson to be learned for the present and the future. I believe, women should definitely stand their ground when it comes to men and not give in so easily. Lay down the law and let men know that come into your life, if you aren’t marrying me, you aren’t having me in any shape, way or form.

This way, it lets the man know, what she actually wants from the relationship. Those who intend to stay, usually act out their words and not leave them as words. Let the boys play the games with the girls, who refuse to listen and only want to give a piece of action in return. Let the women, the strong, the powerful, the believing in love and real romance type, to find the ideal guy, who shows what she is worth.

Stop trying to be easy targets and stop trying to create unnecessary attention. It is what places you in these situations which leave you heart broken and seem think you were worthless. Love yourself before you seek to love others. Men love those types of strong, powerful, standing their ground type women. Intelligent women. Be wanted, not needed. Being wanted creates more of an attraction and being needed only puts you on the shelf where I know, you don’t want to belong.

First Child? Can’t Sleep? AHHHHHH!!! I CANT TAKE IT!!

Your baby is almost here, you are excited! You cannot wait to see the birth of your child. You are anticipating the birth of your child everyday! From the first day you heard the news, till the month of predicted arrival. You cannot wait till you finally see your child! You just want your baby to be healthy and you imagine everything you will do with your child when it grows up. From video games, to sports, to dressing it up in the nicest clothes and spending as much time as possible in teaching it the right aqeeda (belief) and many more things, which you had done with your parent(s). Then your child arrives and alhumdulilah (thanks to Allah) it is healthy and your eyes fill with tears. I’ve seen men break down in tears as soon as they hear the news his child is born. You and your wife are the most happiest couple alive! Then it begins.

The sleepless nights. Waking up to a childs cry in the middle night disturbing your sleep, your sleeping pattern all over the place, feeling extremely tired through out the day, will all be new to you. You have lived a life before this in comfort. Sleeping well, being able to freely do whatever you please, even with your spouse. Then that child came into your life and completely forced you out of that comfort zone. You no longer sleep the way you do, you no longer are able to do what you were able to do because your responsibilities have just been tacked on with something new, which is this child.

Being able to work only after a few hours of a sleep for the one who provides, which is likely the husband will be tough on him, especially being disturbed while he needs his rest after a hard and long day of work. He will definitely feel cranky through out the day and will feel like he is already doing enough as it is. He is providing for the family and then waking up to take care of the child as well. It will definitely feel tough on him and he will feel as if he is not being appreciated for all the things he is doing.

On other hand, the wife who has just given birth to the child is with the child through out the day. Constantly taking care of the child and giving the attention and care it needs. The wife is tired, stressed and also introduced to a new life and thrown out of her comfort zone. Whatever she may have been doing before the birth of that child or years prior to that, is no longer priority as the child is priority now. She is also waking up through the out night and giving the child the attention and care it needs. It also tough on her and she may also feel what she is doing and how much her body has sacrificed, is not being appreciated and supported by her husband.

Both individuals need to understand that this life is completely new to each other. Life with a baby is definitely tough as I have seen and still continue to watch my eldest sister and her husband raise their 3 sons with great attention and care, alhumdulilah (thanks to Allah). The husband cannot push all the responsibilities of that child onto his wife and expect her to take care of that child, as you two after being married are responsible for one another and it took both of you to create that child. The wife cannot expect the husband to work all day and then come home and take care of that child after he is tired because it will cause a great deal of stress in his life. As married couples, you two need to each others support and not make the other responsible for this new life, while the other rest. It is definitely a new adventure and experiences you are diving into.

Your wife is dealing with the pressure of this child, giving it the attention and care it needs. While her body is also adjusting to the birth of the baby and her hormones are still re-arranging themselves. At this time, your wife needs your support more than ever. You have to understand, she is tired and she is also putting as much effort working through out the day and night in making sure the child is being treated with a mothers love and compassion. It is being attended to through out the day and ensuring the baby is getting the right amount of food and care it needs.

Your husband is also dealing with the pressure of this child, giving it the attention and care it needs. While he adjusts his sleeping pattern through out the night, to ensure the child is being taken care of and its needs are being attended to, while he sacrifices his sleep and energy for the work day. The wife also needs to understand, he is also doing the best he can for this new addition into his life.

Both of you need to support one another at this time and be responsible for this child. Your wife will need your words and support and you will need to constantly encourage her on how much she is doing a great job on raising the child. Your husband will also need the same kind of words and encouragement to encourage him, he is doing the best he can as well. Take time through the day and just speak to one another and see what each other needs. Sometimes, all you need to do is give a helping hand in order to show that support and love, which softens the hearts and makes each other remember that is the Will Of Allah SWT, that you two are here together today and He has blessed you with a beautiful child. Allah SWT says Surah Ar-Rum: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

Do not allow shaytan to interfere in this new blessing in your life. Do not allow shaytan to make you believe this is a burden and your spouse is not doing their part, as shaytan enjoys it when a husband and wife quarrel. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him”(Sahih Muslim and narrated by Jabir Ibn ‘Abdullah). Do your best to support one another at this time and even after the child has grown. Be patient with one another and be understanding and open to the situations of the other person and not only yourself. As this marriage is not only about your situations and trials but is about your spouse as well and the more you support one another, the more easier things will become.

May Allah SWT make this easy for you and give you two patience and help you raise this new child of yours and help this marriage become even stronger.