The Importance Of Marrying A Practicing Muslim

MA

It is currently marriage season and many of you know someone within your family or friends getting hitched. It is also probably giving you the urge to find someone as well, who will fulfill half of your deen (religion). We all have had the interventions with our parents whom seem to have found the right prospect for you. You hear he has a good job over and over again. If it’s a female, she can cook and how beautiful she is constantly and they’ll do their best to persuade you to marry them. There is more to marriage than just a good job and someone who can cook. Allah is Ar-Razzaq (the provider) and it is He whom will provide you with the rizq to make things easy for you financially.

As Muslims, our end goal is to meet Allah Subhana wata’ala with good deeds that will benefit us,  but what is more beautiful is taking that certain someone along with you on that journey. Allah subhana wata’ala has created us in pairs and each of us has been paired, insha’Allah, with the right individual. As Allah subhana wata’ala says Surah Ar-Rum: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” Affection is what we long for and also finding tranquility. We seek calmness in that individual we will spend the rest of our lives with insha’Allah.

We long for a marriage like the Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) and his wives. How beautiful it is. But, after all the dreaming, we seem to forget to practice it ourselves. Finding a practicing Muslim goes out the window because of the money they make or how beautiful or handsome they are. We think “it’s okay. They will change.” Undermining all the other issues that may come with it because we forget the importance of marrying a practicing Muslim. We look directly at the outer image we are presented with and fall in love directly with that.

In many instances, those who look the part, are likely not acting the part. Meaning, people are so easily fooled because that brother has a beard and wears a thobe, so he must be practicing. Or that sister is wearing hijab and an abaya, so she must be practicing too. We definitely all struggle with practicing Islam. Some people are so good at hiding the fact that they don’t pray at all and end up marrying individuals that are practicing and who do pray. But because of this false image they’ve presented themselves with, we are yet again, fooled. Islamically, an individual who doesn’t pray is a kaffir (disbeliever). The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) said: “The difference between a believer and disbeliever is salaah.” [Abu Dawud] The scholars in Islam have also said, being married to an individual who doesn’t pray at all, the marriage becomes invalid. This is how serious it is!

When looking for a practicing Muslim, it is extremely important to look past the image you are presented with and ask questions based around Islam. Also, ask people around the community they are in to get an outsiders opinion. You will probably not marry a scholar or a student of knowledge but if that individual is practicing they’ll know the three categories of tawheed. They’ll know certain verses of the Qur’an. They’ll know certain ahaadith. They’ll know the basics and fundamentals of Islam. A practicing Muslim develops a habit of wanting to learn to improve themselves and follow the correct aqeeda (beliefs) and footsteps of Prophet Muhamamd (peace & blessings be upon him). They’ll have a zeal for knowledge. A practicing Muslim shows good character, good manners, and is not miserly. They know how important the hereafter is, so the decisions they make will be reflected off of whether or not it would please Allah subhana wata’ala. Decisions other individuals make that are displeasing to Allah should not be used as an excuse to follow along.

My brothers and sisters in Islam, a practicing spouse is your ticket to heaven or hell. You eventually develop the habits of the individual you spend majority of your time with. If they don’t pray, more than likely, you’ll start to develop that habit. If they are involved in haraam (forbidden), more than likely you’ll end up being persuaded into thinking it’s okay. This is why it is so important that the individual you marry IS a practicing Muslim already. Some people say, “well, I’ll marry so and so right now and then they’ll end up practicing, Allah will guide them.”  The question was asked to Sheikh Ibn Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy upon him) about an individual changing for the better after marriage in which he responded:

“We are not entrusted with what will happen in the future. As for the future, we don’t know about it. It may be that you marry them while desiring Allah will guide them into your hands, however, it may be that they may change your state to what they are upon!.”

It is definitely a scary thought.

When you do consider marriage proposals, look at them for not solely what they are wearing but how are they practicing their Islam? Are they in tune with the commandments of Allah? If they are not, how do you expect them to treat you? Do they commit shirk? Are they following any innovations? A believing Muslim, a practicing Muslim, takes what they have learned from the Qur’an and Sunnah and lives it, they become it, they speak it and walk with it. The way they treat others is based on the Qur’an and Sunnah. Your marriage will either flourish or diminish. You may even have a successful marriage after all, even if you are not practicing but, you will not be successful with Allah subhana wata’ala. Do not get the false perception that if you have lots of money and your marriage is successful but you don’t pray, Allah is happy with you, when it is not true. How can Allah subhana wata’ala be happy with you, if you fail to show appreciation and follow a pillar of Islam?

Remember, my brothers and sisters in Islam, your hereafter is your main goal. If you fail to show it importance, especially during the selection of your spouse, you will not succeed in front of Allah subhana wata’ala because you failed to prepare. Marrying a practicing Muslim is not a joke and it is not something that can happen after you decide to marry. Again, you are not promised or guaranteed they may even change. Wanting change begins with the progress you put forth now. Look for the individual who is working towards the hereafter and is goal driven. Who shows it importance by learning about it from the correct avenues. Who establishes their salaah, pays their zakaat if it’s in their means to, gives charity, and their manners and characteristics are from the beautiful ahaadith. The lifestyle of the Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) and his companions should be reflected off of this person. If you do this, insha’Allah, you will be successful.

May Allah subhana wata’ala grant us all righteous spouses.

Ameen

Also read: https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/when-do-i-know-if-i-am-ready-to-get-married/

https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/will-marriage-solve-my-problems/

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Letter To My Children

Fountain pen and signature

All praise is due to Allah, we praise Him, we seek His help and we ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides, there is none that can misguide him and whoever Allah misguides, there is none that can guide him. There is no God worthy of worship except Allah alone, there is no partner and that Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) is His slave and final Messenger.

1) I start with these words to let my children know, my family know, that there is none, nobody, not a single living thing or single dead thing in this world that has the right to be worshipped except Allah. There is NONE other than Allah that can guide you and there is none other that can misguide you. There is NONE other that can help you in this world other than Allah. I start with the words of tawheed, I start with the words of oneness in Allah because there is only Allah. No other deity in this world can help you except Allah and only He has the right to be worshipped and asked for help.

2) Allah has set commands upon us in this life to help us become successful in the hereafter. The first command is to believe in Allah alone. The second one is to establish your salah. Why your salah? It is what you will be asked about first when you die and stand in front of Allah on the day of judgement. If you want to be successful in this life, be regular with your salah, hold onto it, and do not waver by the illusions of this world. If you want to be successful in this life and the hereafter, establish your salah even if you are amongst a crowd who will make fun of you for it or look at you strangely. The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) said: “Islam began as something strange and will return to as being strange.” [Muslim]

3) It is your manners that people will look at and not your beard, thobe, abaya, or hijab. Your exterior is just an image, but it is your actions that people will remember. You will see many Muslims today, who wear the Islamic attire but have very bad manners, whether it is online or in person. Improve your manners and work on them. People will remember you by them and come closer to you because of them. If you wish to run people away, be rude to them, speak about their secrets they entrusted you with, and betray others. These actions, I tell you, are not the actions of a believer.

4) Not everyone will be kind to you because you are kind to them. That’s just how some people are. They will use you for your intelligence, for your skills, for your hard work. But don’t ever look for a reward from them, for the reward lies only with Allah. Do things for the sake of Allah alone and you will be rewarded handsomely! The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) was mocked and hit with stones. His companions were tortured by the disbelievers and yet, they still kept faith in Allah. Patience does good as Allah says in the Qur’an:  “Allah is with the As-Sabiroon (the patient).” [2:153]

5) If you want to feel good, serve others. The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) spent his life worshipping Allah alone and served others. He helped resolved issues, he built communities, he protected people, and continously preached what Allah had revealed to him, so they in return were better people. He didn’t do it for recognition nor to be praised. He did it for Allah first and then to benefit the ummah (nation) today.

6) To my son. Treat women with respect. They are not your servants even though they are commanded to obey you. The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) was the best of examples. The best of examples is his treatment of women, his wives. The messenger of Allah said: “The best of you are the best to his wives and I am the best to my wives.” [Tirmidhi] He said this as example to follow him in his treatment to his wives. He never hit them, so don’t raise your hand to your wife. Resolve your issues with communication, not with brute and physicality. Be kind, generous, loving, help her with the house chores, spend time together, be as a child with her and love her as I do this with your mother everyday, insha’Allah.

7) To my daughter. Just because you are a Muslim woman doesn’t make you any less of a person. The mothers of the believers, the mothers of this ummah, were strong, intelligent and brave women! Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) was a wealthy merchant who owned her own business. Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) was teaching the companions about the life of the Prophet. She was an advisor to even the most strongest of companions and she also narrated over thousands of ahadith. Being a woman elevates you in Islam and doesn’t degrade you. Go out and pursue knowledge, get an education, learn and teach just as the Prophet wives educated the companions. Your beauty doesn’t lie in your make up or your clothing but it belongs in your ability to be BEST Muslim woman you can be and your inner faith. Allah says: “The most honourable among you in the sight of Allah is the pious one.” [49:13]

8) Life will be hard. It is not meant to be easy for anybody. The messenger of Allah had many hardships and the prophets before him had many hardships. Each and every single one of them turned to Allah and sought help. They prayed and made supplication to Allah. Each and every single time, Allah had answered, so be patient for the answer. Each answer may not be as you like but will be the BEST for you as Allah is the best of planners. You may not understand why you’ve been “rejected” but know Allah loves you more than your own mother and it is for your own good. One of the salaf used to say: “I make du’aa to Allah for something I want and if He gives it to me, then I am happy once and if he doesn’t, then I am happy ten times because the first was my choice and the second was Allah’s choice.”

9) When you make mistakes, which you will, turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness. Allah is the ONLY one that can forgive your sins. Turn in repentance for every sin you commit, He is forgiving and no matter the type of sin you commit, He will forgive you insha’Allah.

10) Take everyday one day at a time. Don’t stress about things that are not in your control. Go with the flow of life and follow your passion. Don’t worry about money because that is not in your control either. Allah is Ar-Razzaq, the giver of sustenance. Work for it and let it come how Allah has intended for it to come. Not everyone will support you, people will doubt you, but there is no need to give up! Keep your income halal, as it is means for your supplications to get answered. As long as you turn to Allah in every single one of your affairs, you will be tested, guided and rewarded, insha’Allah. This life is temporary so work on both.

11) Lastly and finally, be confident in everything you do. Set your goals and no matter what happens, Allah is always with you. Your mother and I will support you in the things you set out to do as long as it is permissible in Islam. Earning the displeasure of Allah will not guarantee you success. We love you and can’t wait to meet you all, insha’Allah.

Looking Beyond The Dowry (mahr)

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Ladies – your dowry is important in Islam as it solidifies the marriage but to take it to an extreme and ask for unreasonable amounts makes you greedy. It is definitely your right to ask for whatever you like and however much you like but did you even consider that all that amount your asking for will be paid for and more through out the lives you two will live together, inshaallah.

That $10,000 dowry will be nothing compared to the amount of money your husband will spend on you several years down the line, unless he is stingy and cheap but Islam doesn’t allow that as he has to spend to provide for you. Don’t take advantage of the dowry. Look forward to the years spent together. Money doesn’t equal love and him having a lot money doesn’t equal him loving you more and him having and giving you less, doesn’t equal less love and fun. Love is more than digits in the account, a good job and a shiny ring. These things don’t signify love and understanding of the Quran and sunnah. But morals, respect, appreciation and love do. Because a believing man upholds the sunnah and clings to it and loves you according to it and more.

He doesn’t put you down, treat you like a slave and only comforts you when you beg. Love is unconditional and it shouldn’t have to be forced nor come attached with a massive price tag. Islam has made getting married easy but it is us, family, culture, influence that have made it difficult. If you truly want to get married, make the dowry easy and Allah subhanawatala will make the marriage beautiful. When marriage is made difficult and lots of money is spent towards the wedding itself, statistics say, it fails. Statistics aren’t facts but it’s an eye opener to the current trends of high priced marriages and miserable lives that come after. It is not to say, that your marriage will fail if you spend a lot but it is not from the sunnah. Rather what is from the sunnah is simplicity and making things easy upon the people and not burden them.

Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) said: “The most blessed nikah is the one with the least expenses.” [Bayhaqi]

Before You Get Married Know…..

Jahiliyyah

Some very important advice for those who intend to get married

Know what Islam teaches about marriage extremely well and what is permissible and impermissible in the marriage contract and what you and your spouse can agree to. Some families think that people are ignorant about Islam and they can implement whatever they want in the contract and ask for unrealistic conditions that are obviously from jahiliyaa (pre-islamic) and people will just agree. Some people also put high prices on their daughters for mahr and other things in hopes that one day, there is a divorce and the ex-husband has to pay a lump sum. Some families get their daughters married hoping, a divorce happens one day, so they are entitled to riches due them following something that isn’t even from Islam. It is absolutely sick that parents intend to marry their daughters hoping they get a divorce, so they can leave with money or gold. As if, their daughters are an item and a price tag has to be agreed to either on the mahr or during a divorce period. Whatever you and your spouse agree to in the marriage contract is what you abide by. Your parents can threaten you with a knife, call you disgusting names, hit you but know that Allah is protecting you just as you are protecting your rights in Islam, which He has given. Don’t allow no family, no matter if they are kings, princess, prime ministers, presidents, to walk all over you and ask you to agree to unrealistic and unislamic demands that could never, ever be met. This is why it is so important to know the deen (religion) so when it is time for you to get married, you know what is permissible and what is not. You know your rights and you give each other their rights. And always, always, always, put your spouse first. Fight for them, be with them and don’t allow any man or woman to abuse them, even if it is their own family. Speak up, stand your ground, be firm and be blunt, protect each others honour. Grow to love each other, respect, and spend time with each other in order for you two to adapt to each others likes and dislikes so you can better understand each other. Pay attention to each others needs and don’t expect the marriage to be only about you and then your spouse. Marriage isn’t about yourself but it is about the two of you and Allah has given the husband and wife rights that they must honour. Don’t abuse them, be at peace, make amends, wipe away tears, give hugs, be compassionate, merciful and forgive each other. Don’t hold any grudges either. Most importantly, put Islam first and insha’Allah, you will be successful.

Speech I Wrote For My Sister & Brother In Law On Their Wedding Day

(I actually had it recorded but, the audio did not come out clear.)

All praise is due to Allah, we praise him, we seek his help and we ask for his forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides, there is none that can misguide him and whoever Allah misguides, there is none that can guide him. There is no God worthy of worship except Allah alone, there is no partner and that Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) is His slave and final Messenger.

O, you who believe, fear Allah as he deserved to be feared and do not die except as Muslims. (Surah Al-Imran: Family Of Imran: 3:102)

O, Mankind, fear your Lord, who has created you from a single soul and created from it, its mate and from them both, many men and many women and fear Allah through whom you demand your mutual rights and indeed Allah is ever watchful over you (Surah An-Nisa: The Women: 4:1)

O, you who believe! Fear Allah and speak a word that is true and He will correct your deeds and forgive your sins. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger has indeed achieved a great success. (Surah Al-Hajj: The Pilgrimmage: 22:77)

The best speech is the book of Allah (The Qur’an) and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him).

The worst of affairs in this religion are the newly invented manners and all of them are innovations.

Today, my sister will be introduced to a new family she has not spent a lifetime with nor an entire day with. She will enter a home with new faces, new personalities, new cooking styles and new way of doing things. She will feel awkward, shy, not be herself for a few days but, she will enter a home, a loving home that is filled with welcoming people. She will be under the protection of a new man, who will honour her rights as a Muslim woman and not over power her, belittle her or feel he is above her and will treat her with respect, dignity and protect her from the harms of this world, as my father, my mother, my family has entrusted this right upon, Imran.

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “The best of you are the best to his wives, family, and I am the best of you to my family, wives.” [Tirmidhi]

The Prophet Muhammad has led by example and has and will always be the best of examples this world will have ever received. He taught us how to honour our wives and not mistreat them. To be good to them and show them they are important. To not repel them and to compliment them. As many of us here today, we grew up in a household where the men are firm, strict with their wives and they think this is a sign of manliness and it is something praised worthy but it is not. The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) was not this way. Rather, he would compliment his wives, sit with them, play with them and not worry whether he is manly in front of the companions or not. His teachings was passed onto the best of men and they followed his example and today, as Muslims we follow that way too.

Many of the examples I will share today, to inspire, to teach my sister Naznin, to teach my brother in law Imran and to teach many of the couples here today, that these actions by the Messenger Of Allah are the best of actions, that are rewarding because we are following his example. To teach the newly weds to be, that there isn’t a need to be harsh and strict with your wives because this isn’t something Islam teaches.

When the Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings be upon him) would sit with Aisha to eat, they both would eat together from the same plate and drink from the same cup. The messenger of Allah, would do his best to place his lips on the cup where Aisha had placed her lips and look into her eyes and drink [bukhari]. Many of you will think hearing this, this does not sound manly but it wasn’t about being manly, it was about showing love and appreciation to someone Allah has created for you. Allah has created us in pairs and Allah has created Naznin and Imran for each other and this was written 3000 years before they were even born.

Many men are also shy or afraid to play with their wives but the Messenger of Allah was never shy nor did her care who was watching. When him and Aisha were first married, they raced. He had sent his companions who were with him up ahead and said to Aisha, lets race, so they raced and Aisha had beat him. As Aisha got older, put some weight, he asked her to race again and this time, The Prophet won [Ahmad]. How many men today, when they are out with their wives will race with them? Will play with them? Instead, they’ll be serious or sit in front of the television waiting for a hot meal. The messenger of Allah was the best of examples and in this example, in this hadith, it shows the playfulness he had with his Aisha and it is something we should implement today when we are out with our wives.

We should never be afraid to show appreciation to each other nor should we be afraid to be ourselves to one another, nor be afraid to speak our mind. The messenger of Allah was never afraid to tell how much he loved Aisha and how much he wanted her to be at his side. In one instance, Aisha had asked him, how is your love for me? and He replied, like the ropes knot. Then some time later, Aisha would ask again, How is the knot? The messenger of Allah would reply, in the same condition [Hilya Al Awliya]. In another instance, the messenger of Allah was approached by a man who had prepared a feast for him so the messenger of Allah asked, if Aisha was invited too, the man said no, so the messenger of Allah declined. Once again, the man returned and invited him again and the messenger of Allah asked again, is Aisha invited, the man said no, so the messenger of Allah declined again. Then he returned for a third time to invite the messenger of Allah again and once again, the messenger of Allah asked, Aisha is also here, is she invited? The man finally agreed and they both went to the feast together. [Muslim]

These are just some examples islam teaches and these examples are there for us to implement in our lives. To be good to each other. To be playful with each other and honour each other. The religion of Al-Islam is a beautiful religion and it teaches us so much that we don’t seek these teachings and we end up missing out on performing these sunnah’s and being rewarded. We also miss out on being close to each other, to show love and grow appreciation for one another.

My sister, Naznin, insha’Allah, will fulfill all her obligations as a Muslim woman to Imran and Imran, insha’Allah, will fulfill all his obligations to her as a Muslim and both of you will honour each other and not over power each other but live with each other, with love and respect. Put each other first, help each other and be dutiful to the rights Allah has established as husband and wife. And I know, my sister can be a little crazy and weird but she has a big heart, masha’Allah and insha’Allah, just as my family has enjoyed her bubbly personality and weirdness for the past 22 years, your family will enjoy it too. We all are going to miss having her around, so honour her, respect her but most important of all, fulfill the rights and obligations Allah has set by establishing salah. When going through hardships seeking help through patience in prayer, and respecting each others rights as husband and wife.

Pretending To Be Interested

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A lot of us are looking to find the right spouse through the internet, from friends or even family members. We want to be set up with someone who will help us become better in every single way but many times, the people who we think are sincere and serious about marriage are really not and end up wasting our time, playing with our emotions and feelings. It becomes heart breaking, it leads to depression and it can potentially ruin things for someone who may come in the future with the right intentions because your impression left a scar on that individual, who doesn’t want to trust others.

If you are not serious about getting wanting to marry someone, stop wasting your time and their time. Your life may be boring, you may want to have an interesting conversation with someone to “see” where it goes but this may not be the intention of the person on the other end. People interpret things differently. So you may see a conversation going one way, while the other person see’s it another way. Your approach maybe friendly and mean something else but to them, your approach is everything they’ve ever wanted and is finally coming true.

We are at fault for expecting things that are not set in stone but you are also at fault for giving false hopes of talking about getting married and talking about a bright future. Your intentions may have been in the right place, Allah knows best but to seek someone just for your own enjoyment, to cure your boredom is evil and directly impacts a person negatively, while they hold onto these hopes of things becoming true, while you string them along and only want their comfort and entertainment.

Your actions lead people into depression which can be for a long time depending on how much they actually “loved you” and how much they believed it could be true. It is also true, everything is the decree of Allah subhana wata’ala but we are also responsible for our actions and how we display them to others. We are responsible for our speech whether it be true or false and responsible for the promises we make. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “Religion is sincerity.” [Muslim] So let us do our best to be sincere when we speak to others and not deceive them to cure our boredom, to enjoy ourselves while they continuously work to make things work. While they do ishtikhara (guidance salah) and you do not and you delay it, while they patiently wait for you to do it. If a person wants to do ishtikhara and is serious about you, there will be no excuses or “ill do it another day or when I have time”, it’ll happen A.S.A.P. because they cannot wait to see what Allah has written for them.

Many of us are grown adults and many of us want to wear the shoes of adults and get married but if you cannot be sincere or act mature and stand up for what you feel and believe, how could you possibly take care of someone else and fulfill the rights given to each other by Allah subhana wata’ala? We have to be careful because these are people’s feelings we are dealing with and what we say may or may not intend to do, can leave scars, so be careful as you would not like what you are doing to others done to you, your siblings or your children in the future.

It is impossible to be sincere all the time because we all make errors but we must check our intention before following that compass that may lead you to the right path. If you are seriously considering that person for marriage, take the right approach and speak to their wali (guardian) to make things halal (permissible.) If not, let them go so they can find someone right for them and if you are not serious about marriage, then don’t bother others who are seriously considering sharing their life with someone.

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If you need advice, feel free to contact me at mshabazz33@gmail.com

Interested in purchasing my book: The Strongest Version Of Yourself? Purchase here: https://payhip.com/b/3FdM

Will Marriage Solve My Problems?

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Most people now-a-days are eager to married and begin their lives with their spouse to be. They imagine all the fun things they’ll do together, plan on having kids and going on vacations. How their spouse will encourage them to be better Muslims and even help them wake up for fajr salah, as it seems it is the most difficult to do for people. While in other cases, people are looking to get married for all the wrong reasons, hoping it “cures” them.

People often message me or email for advice and most instances, it is about wanting to get married to an individual (read When Do I know When I Am Ready To Get Married?). Most of the emails or messages pertain to them not being emotionally and mentally ready but are persistent on wanting to begin their lives with another individual. They believe, whatever on going problems they have, getting married will automatically solve all their problems and they will live happily ever after. Often, this is not the case as it turns for the worse and I usually get emails or messages like this:

“Brother, I made a huge mistake, they aren’t the right person for me. I thought getting married would solve all my problems but it didn’t, it made things worse. WHAT DO I DO??!?! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?”

Or

“Brother, I was emotionally attached to someone else and I was unable to get married to them, so I decided to marry someone else but a few months after marriage, I don’t think they are right for me because I still have feelings for someone. I thought, being with them would make me forget about them but it hasn’t. I don’t love this person. I don’t have feelings either.”

Too many times, people plan on getting married because their lives are miserable, they have nothing going for them, they are lazy or because they see someone else getting married and desire it too. Only for them to be put in a position where it does not benefit them, doesn’t solve their problems but only worsens their situation, which escalates into something much bigger. People think, marriage is like the wave of a hand and everything that used to exist in their life will disappear. Your past, your pain, your emotionally distress, your depression and everything else. It is like taking a tylenol and your pain disappears within hours.

Do people not understand that marriage is a life time commitment? It involves someone else giving their life, their time, their feelings, all towards you because they want to love you and spend the rest of their life with you. They come to you with honest and sincere feelings, while you, come with a baggage full of your past, hope to dump it on them, only for you to pack your baggage again and move else where because unpacking wasn’t the right idea.

You have to understand, marriage involves you being more mentally ready, rather than being physically. Everyone is physically ready because we are all attracted to one another in different ways but if you are not mentally ready, dealing with so many things in your life, you will not be ready for marriage. You hope and think, this individual will “cure” you, will understand your problems, will solve them but they don’t, then what? You want to get up, walk away because it hasn’t solved a thing, rather made you feel worse because you weren’t mentally prepared. On the other side, the individual you married loves you, thought you were prepared to share your lives together, only to find out, you were there for other reasons, rather than just loving each other for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala.

Before you ever decide to get married make sure you are mentally prepared and ready. You’ve learned to let go of your past and you are not depressed. There isn’t baggage coming with you. You hope this individual doesn’t solve your life’s troubles and problems. You aren’t doing this because you want to forget about someone you had feelings for. People work on their physically selves tirelessly, putting on make up, working out, being healthy but don’t work on letting go of their past. They don’t work on being better version of themselves, hoping their knight in shining armour or princess comes to rescue them of their woes and worries.

Remember, when you get married, it is not about you anymore, it is about the both of you. Sharing feelings and memories. Growing together and loving each other. Do so with the right intentions. Marrying for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala and not marrying hoping someone will take your misery away, when they may not and only make you more miserable.

Marrying For Deen (Religion)

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Asalamwalikum (Peace Be Upon You)

The Prophet Muhammad (Peace And Blessings Upon Him) said “A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religiousness (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. ” (Muslim)

And he said: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. “(Bukhari)

And he also said: “The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. ” (Muslim)

The same is also said when looking for a husband, as the Prophet Muhammad (Peace And Blessings Be Upon Him) said: “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. ” (Tirmidhi)

These hadiths are clear to the point and advises the ummah to marry those with good character and religion more important then beauty and wealth. So why is that when an individual has come as a blessing into someones life, they seem to question the ability of the person who has come to them with these characteristics? Why is that when that individual has come, we seem to hold back and say, maybe someone better will come? At first the person expects love must be there within the first interaction rather then compatibility, which does happen too often at times. The person so to say, falls in love with the person immediately and that feeling must carry through out the process of marriage or of being a potential spouse. Once that feeling is gone, they are no longer eligible because that so called feeling of love is no longer there.

This is a mistake we seem to make, which makes us over look the great characteristics of a person our Prophet has advised us to marry. Love does not develop in a short period of time and then disappear because that simply is not love. True love develops over time, through understanding, mutual agreement, compatibility and companionship. You cannot say you truly love a person within a year or months or weeks because you are fooling yourself in developing these feelings which will disappear because the impact, the feeling had happened so quickly.

Love develops over time as you and the person come closer together through a mutual feeling, companionship and understanding. Most importantly the individual as a Muslim must be of good religion, good practice of the deen first, then their character and then all other, beauty and wealth the Prophet has advised us to look for. So why is that when a person who has met these standards on the hadiths the Prophet has given us, we seem to ignore it? We seem to concentrate more so on the financial situation which Allah has blessed them with and love, rather then the deen. We seem to think so far out into the future, which instills a belief of negative feelings rather then being positive. If you are looking for true love, you must be patient with that individual first and foremost because love is not an over night thing like a Hollywood movie. Love should develop between you two over time. If you expect you must love that person instantly you will hurt yourself.

As people of this beautiful ummah, we must not take these hadiths lightly as we all need to marry for religion and character first. Through our spouses we will be developing a generation that will carry the flag of Islam. We must not ignore this as your wife is a Madressa (school) for your children as they will likely learn islam, good manners and habits through her. You must also find a good husband who your children will learn the religion of islam as well and who will also teach good manners and habits. As when you die whatever you’ve taught your children of the deen will stay behind and benefit you on the day of judgement on the scale of good deeds. Don’t just expect to love someone instantly. If they have good character, the person is of good practice and understanding of the deen, and compatibility is there, truly consider it as this will benefit you and your children, don’t let that person go thinking, I may get better when the better you’ve been looking for is right here. It will benefit the ummah and love will develop through companionship and compatibility and Allah knows best.

May Allah bless us all with pious and righteous spouses who stay close to the Quran and Sunnah. Who will treat us right and fulfill the other half of our deen.

I have a written a book which discusses in depth in what to look for a spouse. You can get the book at the links below

https://payhip.com/b/3FdM (Pay What You Want – PDF Version)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – Kindle Version)

Read reviews here: https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/the-strongest-version-of-yourself-book-reviews/

Don’t Be Forced To Marry Someone You Don’t Want To

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Whenever you decide to get married, please don’t force yourself to like someone because your parents have presented them to you. Often at times, parents will present their children with someone they find interest in and then force their children to like them and marry them because they think they are a perfect fit for them. This is incorrect and you’ll more than likely be in a miserable marriage because you never wanted them in the first place. It’s like sitting at a table with your least favourite foods and they are telling you to eat it, while on the other side of the table, all your favourite foods are there.

Be smart when you are making this decision. It is going to be your life, your hours, your time, your heart, your effort into this marriage not your parents. Of course they’ll help you with the nikah and walima but after that, it is just you and your spouse. Parents who are culturally grounded will beg you stay in the marriage because it’ll tarnish their reputation, while you are emotionally destroyed everyday. They’ll force you, they’ll blackmail you, they’ll constantly beg you to stay. No, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, so before it ever gets to that point, make the right decision on who you want to marry. Don’t marry because your parents say they are good for you but know within your heart, from making a decision then praying ishtikhara if they are good for you. Ishtikhara isn’t Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala making a decision for you, it is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala guiding you to a better decision. It’s not about dreams either. It’s not about seeing colours and all that. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is going to facilitate a matter which is going to be best for you.

Make a stand, be courageous, stand up for what you want and what you don’t think is right for you. If you are quiet while your parents are setting someone up for you, you are to blame because you allowed it. You are allowed to make decisions, so make sure, this one, marriage is a right decision and not a forceful one.

Helping you choose the right spouse is covered in my book “The Strongest Version Of Yourself”

You can purchase the book here:

https://payhip.com/b/3FdM (Currently Pay What You Want – PDF VERSION)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – KINDLE VERSION)

Chapter 6 – A Hard Heart

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Copyright © 2014 by Malik Shabazz

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

without the express written permission of the author

except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

 

This is one of my favourite chapters of my book and many others who have read it.

Chapter 6 – A Hard Heart

At some point in our lives, we have been hurt by someone who we loved so dearly or cared for deeply. We spent hours with them, treated them as if they were kings or queens, giving them everything on a plater, making them happy and smile. We would go out of our way and give them what they need, even if we were in the middle of something. There would be nothing in this world we wouldn’t do for that certain individual or individuals because they meant the world to us.


Along the way, something went wrong. We either fell apart or had differences that led us drifting apart and sometimes that is good. Other times, we would be stabbed in the back, taken advantage of and disposed as if we were never good enough for that individual no matter what we have done for them. Eventually, we look to blame ourselves for everything that has transpired. Truthfully, we are to blame because we allowed others to do as they please, whenever they pleased, just so they could get what they want, while we looked to be loved and accepted. It only turns disastrous and depressing, pushing us into a dark place blaming every single human being on the planet, as if they are all the same and each of them comes to do the same thing.


In that dark place, in that time of depression, we think over everything we have done for those individuals. We think how come they never treated us right? How come, they never loved us and admired us for what we did for them? It turns into memories being played every night and going to sleep with heavy thoughts and a heavy heart, crying our eyes out because we only wanted to be accepted, loved and recognized. When it didn’t come, we closed our heart to the entire world, while we used to wear it on our sleeve.
There was a point in our lives where we would smile through the pain no matter how bad it hurt but this time, it was different. The smile would disappear and sitting alone thinking of what transpired over the years made us feel bitter. Making us regret the years and time invested into those individuals who we did everything for. It tares us apart anytime we think of it and it gets us angry when we think of them or see them. Eventually this bitterness, this cold and dark place we reflected in, turns our hearts hard. We used to be sweet, kind, open, expressive, helpful but now we are reserved for only ourselves and everyone else is an enemy to us.


Having a hard heart will never do anything for us, except let it run through veins and into our daily actions, keeping us bitter and cold towards everyone who tries to get near us. We think everyone is the enemy and everyone is capable of harming us the same way, when this is not true at all. Just because others have taken advantage of your kindness, of your sweetness, of your expressiveness, does not mean others will have the intention to do the same.
There are so many people in the world who would LOVE to be catered by you, as you have catered to others, only for you to be accepted and loved, as you have always wanted to be by that one individual or those individuals in the past. This particular individual, will be open to you and will appreciate everything you are doing for them.


If you keep your heart hard, you lose out on your naturalness, your uniqueness, which has been given to you by Allah SWT. A hard heart only affects one person and that is you because instead of learning a lesson from those who have taken advantage of you, you instead closed yourself off, put a seal on your heart and threw the keys away. What good has that done you? You may think, it is a brilliant idea because no one else will be able to harm you but what about those who don’t actually want to harm you? How many people are you turning away due to your hard heart? How many people have walked into your life thus far that wanted to see the person you once were, only in return to get the person you are not because of your hard heart? Look at how much pain you’ve caused yourself.


It is time to let go and make better choices with your life and let your heart ease itself back into who you once were but this time, into a stronger version of yourself. Let yourself be free of heartache and let your heart open itself and uncage itself from the harsh memories you reflect on. Break the hardness of your heart with the remembrance of Allah and no one else.


Allah SWT says in the Qur’an:
“Verily, only in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” [13:28]


There is no place in the world like in sujood (prostration) where you’ll find ease and relaxation. Where your heart will feel content about the act of worship you’ve done. Whatever hardness has covered your heart, speak to Allah SWT about it in sujood and let your tears flow and ask Him to guide you to an understanding about the lessons you were supposed to learn from what happened.


After you’ve done that, let your life take a better journey from the bitterness it went through and allow yourself to recover and look at life optimistically. Look at everyone as if you’ve never met them and each individual has something to teach you and not something to take away from you. A hard heart is not something you want to live with but a pure heart, a warm heart, the one you once had and the one you will have again, is the one you always want to keep.


We all make choices in our life, so make a choice to keep your heart clean and never with any hardness attached to it. If others don’t receive you for your acts of kindness and appreciation, look at is as Allah SWT knowing you’ve done all that and reward lies with him and nobody else. There are no rewards in the world like the ones given to you by the creator of the heavens and the earth. Never do anything to seek appreciation or praise or even acknowledgment but look to do things for the sake of Allah SWT as the rewards and blessings are with Him.


Eventually, in due time, there will be an individual who walks into your life who is able to appreciate your sweetness, your kindness, your loving and unique nature and will cherish it for the rest of their lives. Until then, let your heart be free of the hardness that has covered it and let you be you again, being the strongest version of yourself from the lessons you’ve learned. Don’t let life and its difficulties along with the people in it, to make your heart hard but let it be as it is meant to be and be who you always were. Keep it soft and never let the worlds trials and hardships change that into a hard one nor let people who never understood your uniqueness and your purpose take advantage of it.

You can purchase the entire book here:
https://payhip.com/b/3FdM ($4.99 –  PDF – More reviews at this link)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QFUJQHW ($4.99 – Kindle )