Most people now-a-days are eager to married and begin their lives with their spouse to be. They imagine all the fun things they’ll do together, plan on having kids and going on vacations. How their spouse will encourage them to be better Muslims and even help them wake up for fajr salah, as it seems it is the most difficult to do for people. While in other cases, people are looking to get married for all the wrong reasons, hoping it “cures” them.
People often message me or email for advice and most instances, it is about wanting to get married to an individual (read When Do I know When I Am Ready To Get Married?). Most of the emails or messages pertain to them not being emotionally and mentally ready but are persistent on wanting to begin their lives with another individual. They believe, whatever on going problems they have, getting married will automatically solve all their problems and they will live happily ever after. Often, this is not the case as it turns for the worse and I usually get emails or messages like this:
“Brother, I made a huge mistake, they aren’t the right person for me. I thought getting married would solve all my problems but it didn’t, it made things worse. WHAT DO I DO??!?! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?”
“Brother, I was emotionally attached to someone else and I was unable to get married to them, so I decided to marry someone else but a few months after marriage, I don’t think they are right for me because I still have feelings for someone. I thought, being with them would make me forget about them but it hasn’t. I don’t love this person. I don’t have feelings either.”
Too many times, people plan on getting married because their lives are miserable, they have nothing going for them, they are lazy or because they see someone else getting married and desire it too. Only for them to be put in a position where it does not benefit them, doesn’t solve their problems but only worsens their situation, which escalates into something much bigger. People think, marriage is like the wave of a hand and everything that used to exist in their life will disappear. Your past, your pain, your emotionally distress, your depression and everything else. It is like taking a tylenol and your pain disappears within hours.
Do people not understand that marriage is a life time commitment? It involves someone else giving their life, their time, their feelings, all towards you because they want to love you and spend the rest of their life with you. They come to you with honest and sincere feelings, while you, come with a baggage full of your past, hope to dump it on them, only for you to pack your baggage again and move else where because unpacking wasn’t the right idea.
You have to understand, marriage involves you being more mentally ready, rather than being physically. Everyone is physically ready because we are all attracted to one another in different ways but if you are not mentally ready, dealing with so many things in your life, you will not be ready for marriage. You hope and think, this individual will “cure” you, will understand your problems, will solve them but they don’t, then what? You want to get up, walk away because it hasn’t solved a thing, rather made you feel worse because you weren’t mentally prepared. On the other side, the individual you married loves you, thought you were prepared to share your lives together, only to find out, you were there for other reasons, rather than just loving each other for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala.
Before you ever decide to get married make sure you are mentally prepared and ready. You’ve learned to let go of your past and you are not depressed. There isn’t baggage coming with you. You hope this individual doesn’t solve your life’s troubles and problems. You aren’t doing this because you want to forget about someone you had feelings for. People work on their physically selves tirelessly, putting on make up, working out, being healthy but don’t work on letting go of their past. They don’t work on being better version of themselves, hoping their knight in shining armour or princess comes to rescue them of their woes and worries.
Remember, when you get married, it is not about you anymore, it is about the both of you. Sharing feelings and memories. Growing together and loving each other. Do so with the right intentions. Marrying for the sake of Allah subhana wata’ala and not marrying hoping someone will take your misery away, when they may not and only make you more miserable.