It is 1:20AM, Thursday morning and I’m here at my desk in my living room thinking about a lot of things. I’ve actually been thinking about this quite a lot lately but there has always been something inside of me that turns me away from getting it off my chest and my mind.
I’ve been writing for more than a decade and if you don’t know where it all began, I wrote a blog post about it titled “Punishments Into A Blessing.” As many of you all know, 340 subscribers to my blog, I write about positivity and doing my best to help others going through trials and hardships. Everything within these pages and hundreds of articles posted with pictures and words, all have something I’ve been through in my life that I don’t regret and have learned to let go learning lessons from and now those lessons teach you or have taught you insha’Allah.
It has just been lately, perhaps it is writers block or it could be something else but it has been very difficult to write and it has been draining me to come up with something and I am not the type of person to force myself to write. Maybe it is just me being difficult with myself and not wanting to write? Maybe, I just give a lot of myself into these words, hoping it reaches as many people as possible and getting little to no reaction. I know, I don’t write with the intent of being famous or recognized but i write with the intent of these words helping people. I guess….. I just give a lot of who I am into each of these words that when there is nothing on the other side, visible, showing what has been done, it does become discouraging. Then I see people who are not writing to help encourage others but instead do pranks, fashion or posing become an instant hit, while not teaching much or anything at all to its viewers.
Am I jealous of other people’s success? Perhaps I am but only because I want to reach as many people as they have. I honestly don’t care about the fame nor being celebrated, I care about helping other people overcoming battles they are going through. I guess, I just don’t understand why I am put in a position like this. When you want to make the world a better place and people gather to be entertained by make up, pranks, and a cult like following, then you know, society has been dumb downed and the external is worth more than the eternal.
Maybe it is time, I take a step back from writing and leave what is on this blog and on social media and just find myself. I don’t want to but I feel I have to. Not because my journey has ended but has been paused due to the lack of belief in myself? Is that negativity you are reading? Yes, it is, I am human of course. I can only give so much of me and in the process, I lose myself along the way, trying to reshape people’s thoughts about themselves and how they feel about the world.
There is nothing that makes me happier than seeing people benefit from my work but, I too need to benefit from it and take my own words as advice. I love writing and it is an escape, almost like a fantasy, a drug that I don’t want to end but for now, I think it is best I end this journey temporarily. I can be unpredictable and I may be back tomorrow, maybe next week or maybe next year, which is close but I don’t know when i’ll be back.
I just hope whoever has read my book, read this blog, read my posts on social media, has benefited and it helped changed your life or helped you in some way. There is no other reason why i write, except to help people. My journey ends tonight Thursday November 27th, 1:56AM with the sound of rain and a heavy heart. I need to find myself and where I am headed today. Just need to gather my thoughts, pick myself up and see where this journey will lead me. I have not given up, just need time for myself, to gather my thoughts, my beliefs and go from there.
For now, I leave you with As’salam walikhum (peace be upon you). Insha’Allah, I will return…