Letting It All Go


I’ve been thinking lately. Actually, I think a lot so its nothing out of the ordinary for me. I sit here with a very heavy piece on my chest and sometimes, it eats me up because maybe I need some closure in my life? Maybe If I write it, I can come to a conclusion in my life and that chapter closes for good? See, even now when Im thinking about writing this, Im thinking, should I write or not? Who really needs to know? The only person I should express myself to is Allah SWT, to let Him know how I feel but I am human and sometimes, the need to express yourself in a different manner where people can relate to you actually helps. There is so much on my mind that sometimes I just want to let it all go and just close those doors and never open them again. Perhaps that’s why I’ve turned to these words.

I’ve been doing my best to understand a situation in my life, actually several situations that have happened to me. Im not the person to hold onto certain things or people when they let go. Once they go, they go and that is it but how they’ve set those stages in my life to walk out willingly or unwillingly has always been something I can’t comprehend at times. Im not a complicated person. Im always very simple and easy going. Im very relaxed and chilled out. Im really down to earth and very, as the title of my blog reads “positive.”

Over the past few years of my life, I’ like many other single people have been looking to get married. Now, some people will think, “that should be easy! Look at you! A relationship and marriage expert! You know your stuff!” I wish people would see it like that but you know how people are. They see “qualifications.” Not just what job or career you hold but what culture you come from, what is your race, can you speak this language? Over the years, it’s exactly been that.

I don’t hold any college degrees. You might read my blog and think,  i must’ve went to college or uni for english. Perhaps even psychology. I actually went for neither. I just love writing a lot and I just love human behaviour and psychology, that it has become one of my interests, hobbies. I actually love counselling as well, so when you come across advice on my Facebook or on this blog, its because I love helping people overcome things in their lives. When people look for these qualifications as if it makes you more fitting as a person or makes you at a higher standard, it hurts. It’s like your name is attached to a degree, which elevates your status in front of people. All it is though, is a title. People see you for your title, not for who you are and it hurts to know this.

The fact that people have a preference over what language you speak, what culture you are from, instead of how you are compatible with each other is something I cannot fathom. Never in my life, will I ever begin to understand this, ever. It’s heart breaking knowing that people have preferences over language and culture, instead of who you are as a person. As if, being culturally different or speaking a different language, which is obviously the second or first language is very alien like. Not from this world. Sometimes, I just sit back and think, If I cut your skin open and you cut mine, what colour would be underneath there? Red, of course. So we are not different at all.

My search for a spouse and the failed attempts getting married look like this:

  • Your career choice is something my parents wouldn’t accept, I’d prefer you goto college so at least my parents know you are educated.
  • My parents would never accept you because of your career choice. What would they think, that I am marrying this man who does this for a living?
  • I can’t marry you because my mother speaks this language and I would prefer someone who would also prefer that language as well. You know? Just to make it easy on my mother but she does speak english and understand it.
  • You are not African American. I’d prefer someone who is African American.
  • My wali (guardian) says, since you are not pakistani/moroccan, I cannot marry you. He says, there will be a culture clash because you come from a different culture than mine. Even though, I am willing but he is my wali and he says no.

So you see how disheartening it is to read all of that, which has happened in a matter of years. Very close years. Sometimes even in the same year. What do these people expect of me? Am I not human? Do I not deserve a chance? Do I have to bow down to the dollar, get into debt over a career, change my language and then I’ll be acceptable? It’s hysterical to say the least. Thinking of these things, which are not rational to the human mind, it really brings me down sometimes because I am a person, not a title, not a language nor a culture. All those things don’t signify me as a person nor describe who I am.

The words I speak, the actions I do and the way I live my life, describe me. It hurts but when it hurts, I write about it and express which I don’t do often or at all on my blog. If you can relate, I feel your pain. No one should have to jump hurdles to be with someone they want to be with and no one should place hurdles in front of other people if they want to be with them. If you don’t want to be with another person, don’t waste their time.

So if you ever wonder why I write about marriage or relationships and give advice, its because I’ve had a shit pile I went through in my life, which I hope you don’t go through in yours. I visualize and see my marriage in this particular manner, so I share it with you. I always hope for the best in people and always accept people as they are, with a blank page and nothing else. I do wish, people would accept me as I am, instead of place me in a category, wearing a title, expecting me to be someone I am not. I’ll never sell myself to anyone wanting to be who I am not, just so they can please their family or themselves. I am an acceptable person, who is fit and capable for a relationship. I am fit for marriage and I am definitely marriage material. Am I writing this hoping I find a wife? No. I  am writing this because I am hurt over this and expressing myself the best way I know how. After this, I know I’ll get closure in my life but it is very likely, a similar situation will happen again no matter what I’ve been through. People are so attached to titles, that if a person doesn’t belong to a title, that person is not acceptable. It’s life and alhumdulilah, whatever is destined for me will happen and will not avert me. Whatever wont happen, wont and that is the Will of Allah SWT. Here I am, relating to you a piece of my life that has made me become the writer, the man, I am today.

27 thoughts on “Letting It All Go

  1. May Allah remove you from all pain…Ameen…I’ve had a lot of the degree stuff as well, I don’t have a degree but a degree will not determine how I am as a wife…I have a brother born with special needs, I was rejected because of that too, worried about genetic diseases, etc. That hurt the most. But people fail to realise its in Allah’s control, it can happen to anybody.

  2. Whenever I see people who are sooo extremely nationalistic, and always speak about nothing but how special their country of origin is, its just very pathetic. I’m not saying one shouldn’t be proud of where they come from; we should. I just feel as humans….we are likes slaves in every way, subhana’Allah. When we are born we don’t choose our hair color, facial features, height, skin tone, or country of origin. It’s all given to us by Allah, we have no choice or say in it. So, why be so egotistical about something you were destined to be. It’s like being proud you didn’t have a say in anything. Instead we should be humble and know all power of choice belongs to Allah. And each person has their own original significance. Anyway, that’s beyond the point…..I think you’re amazing masha’Allah; and insha’Allah you find that perfect, perfect, perfect person. I know you will. Perhaps Allah is purposefully keeping you away from those relationships and has even better in mind for you. With a guy who thinks and writes like this? That’s better than anything this world has to offer.

  3. I shall not deny that what you have said in this article is true. I have seen this happen to my friends and family, I am still seeing it today and no doubt, I will being experiencing it first hand in the future. Unfortunately, this is the way dunya has developed and people have become comfortable/accustomed to it.
    I think the best thing you can do is constantly remind yourself that Allah SWT has chosen your life partner well before you were born – before the heavens were even created. Whoever you marry will be the person who is right for you, dictated by Allah, not by people.
    Rejection hurts when we become attached to the idea of being accepted. Maybe try to associate rejection with feelings of relief and contentment. Say ‘Alhamdulillah’ out loud whenever you feel rejected in life. Say it with conviction and feel the reverberations deep in your heart. Allah has not chosen that person of you. So think of their rejection as a mercy that makes you stronger – bringing you one step closer to the right person and one step away from the wrong one.
    I don’t believe in being optimistic but I do believe in faith. Faith is more powerful than anything else. In my mind, faith = contentment.
    The more pain you go through now with rejections makes that eventual acceptance much more sweeter. Insha’Allah

    • Alhumdulilah, I am fine. JazakAllah khair for your words of comfort. I was just thinking of things last night which really bother me, so I just decided to write it out, in hopes people can relate. It’s better to let it out all out, instead of letting it sit.

      You are right though. Eventually, something good will happen. All this was for my betterment and one day, it’ll happen and it’ll be sweeeeeeet like candy.

  4. I met a (kind sir) only one by the way, that I feel I could have explained things to him better. But for starters, I agree with everexistent , and I hope you know that if I had the means to make mensaf and send it I would.

  5. I feel your pain brother… It’s a daunting process.

    A friend of mine went to a Q&A Muslim Marriage event with a panel of Shayks/Moalanas. She asked ‘why is it so depressing to look for a partner?’ They said ‘depression should never come to Islam because we have Allah with us. We should be happy – grateful with what we have and not what we want. All we have to do is ask Allah for what the heart desires and then leave it in His hands. Ask for anything then carry on with your life and normal routine. Once we have complete faith Allah will give us what we asked for and so much more.’

    After her piece of guidance that is exactly what I done. I have stopped worrying. Started to enjoy life, enjoy the little things in life. Enjoying the va va voom. Lol.

    • JazakAllah khair. It was just something that was bugging me last night, which I didn’t tell anyone so I expressed myself. I never let these small things over power me or freeze me in a moment. I move on cause life will move on without me either way.

      • I don’t see any wrong in letting your emotions out and I think how you offer a hand to solve other individuals’ situations something good will surely come your way Inshallah.

      • Insha’Allah. Everything just takes a bit of time and the right time of course and then, it’ll happen. Until then, it is just patience and finding people who are open minded.

  6. This is life. I went through plenty of that. Alhamdulillah I found a good muslim husband who did not care if I was polka dot or not. The culture shock is inevitable but that is a work-in-progess 😉 Be patient and insha’Allah it will happen. Just don’t settle! 🙂

  7. I like this one a lot 🙂 subhanAllah, someone that understands! In all seriousness though, I think our generation tries to make an effort in understanding and grasping what the right mentality is but often family and society comes in the way and then there’s the idea of not going against them because well even in Islam you should never sever such ties. However, you’re suppose to go for what’s right and Islam promotes all such things such as marrying outside of one’s culture and standards but within our faith.

    my mother and I were both given a piece of advice from a friend; she said that her grandmother told her that when marrying off their children they should never look to class, wealth, and in that sense what education means these days but rather to the sensibility, the upbringing/family in terms of mentality and character, and faith. I right away realized how much of a difference that made to my mother but regardless of her knowing the facts she will forever have her way of thinking and I will have mine.

    If someone cannot look passed the definition of a “degree” and field of work then that person will not be able to help you progress because they cannot see the true values and virtues within you. It’s a pity because insha’Allah your wife will be one lucky woman to have a man who’s trying his best to get to Jannah!

    • JazakAllah khair, Nawwwwwwwreeeen, knahmeaaaan! I think that is partly true but we always have a choice for ourselves. In the end, it is their choice and they’ll have to live with it. People don’t think all that clear, they worry too much about things that aren’t happening and then think what is going to happen later on, which may not even be true. Sad world.

      Very true, indeed. If they can’t see past that, then they’ll never look past anything else. Insha’Allah she is lucky, if not, she will be fired very, very, very, fast. 🙂

  8. It used to make me sad, too. This whole picture-perfect expectations of a spouse. It’s like “Hello! I’m giving you a ticket to Jannah. Marry a widow and her child.” But it’s not that easy. It doesn’t made me sad anymore, alhamdulillah. I’m perfectly content with my life because it is what Allah (SWT) wants for me, right? My daughter will be the reason I find the right man. So cheer up. Allah (SWT) is preventing you from marrying the wrong woman and into the wrong family. But I know you know that. All the best on this quest !

    • Alhudmulilah. You just end up thinking of these things one day and it gets to you, that’s all it ways. JazakAllah khair for your advice, means a lot and it cheered me up. Insha’Allah, you find someone whom will be the best for you and your daughter. Ameen.

  9. Its sad to think people are so hung up about finding a spouse who has so many qualifications, a good career, has to be the of the same ethnic background etc You don’t need to have a degree or highly paid career to make a your future wife happy, as long as you’re faithful and loving everything else falls into place.Oh well if it didnt work out then its their loss. In Shaa Allah hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are.

    • It’s absolutely crazy, they all want certain things but don’t have a lot of themselves. Wild expectations but not realistic, ever. Insha’Allah, we both find someone who shows appreciation and love for who we are and not for what we make.

      • Salams,

        Wow! I’ve been married for almost two years now and Alhamdulillah I have a baby girl. What you are saying really resonates within me because I felt EXACTLY the way you are. I can honestly say I was in that situation myself, those of us who are single and don’t have degree really do get the raw deal. I remember feeling inadequate around others who had their precious little degrees to elevate themselves with, in their circle I would almost always have to out myself by saying oh by the way I don’t have a degree or anything. And their opinion would change, our Muslim communities treat it almost like a mark of social class. I would feel quite embarrassed with myself because people would find my command of English and the way I carry myself I come across somewhat learned, even more so than my ‘educated’ counterparts with their degrees. I would often see a wave of disappointment over their faces as if I had just been eliminated from this potential line-up. It was also much more difficult because I was surrounded by friends and colleagues who were educated in the medical field, sometimes I would be mistaken for being the ‘professional’ one. As I am female, I became somewhat fixated on marrying someone who ticked all the boxes, I was projecting my own shortfall by looking to find a complete package in my spouse to be. My family were also ridiculously picky as they were looking for someone with ‘status’ and ‘stability'(it is not uncommon for Muslim/Asian people to boast someone else’s success as if it was their own accomplishment). I have to say finding a suitor was such a miserable process, I felt awful about myself and felt pretty much hopeless, I couldn’t believe the suitors I was receiving marriage proposals from were even interested in me I was convinced they would be disappointed at my lack of education in the form of certificates and grades and would always make an excuse not to pursue them in case it led to anything. It got me down, I would often make dua as to why I was feeling hopeless. The suitors who did tick all my boxes were coincidentally obnoxious and their families were highly judgemental. I asked Allah to guide me and show me the person. I have to say Alhamdulillah me and my husband crossed paths after having not seen each other for 10 years, the little crush we had on each other as teenagers was still alive. He isn’t perfect, he isn’t highly educated with lots of capitals after his name. But he dedicates everything to me and our baby girl. Moral of the story is, don’t get yourself down, everything will happen in due course, whoever she may be, Allah will put love between both your hearts and everything will feel relaxed and okay. There will be none of these superficial obstacles you will face, everything will feel right and as the cliche goes you will just ‘know’ she is the one. Coupled with istikharah fate will take it’s course. My husband says Allah gave us a 10 year gap which allowed us both to mature. He travelled the world whilst I stayed at home wondering who my night in shining armour would be. Naivety eh?

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