I’ve been thinking lately. Actually, I think a lot so its nothing out of the ordinary for me. I sit here with a very heavy piece on my chest and sometimes, it eats me up because maybe I need some closure in my life? Maybe If I write it, I can come to a conclusion in my life and that chapter closes for good? See, even now when Im thinking about writing this, Im thinking, should I write or not? Who really needs to know? The only person I should express myself to is Allah SWT, to let Him know how I feel but I am human and sometimes, the need to express yourself in a different manner where people can relate to you actually helps. There is so much on my mind that sometimes I just want to let it all go and just close those doors and never open them again. Perhaps that’s why I’ve turned to these words.
I’ve been doing my best to understand a situation in my life, actually several situations that have happened to me. Im not the person to hold onto certain things or people when they let go. Once they go, they go and that is it but how they’ve set those stages in my life to walk out willingly or unwillingly has always been something I can’t comprehend at times. Im not a complicated person. Im always very simple and easy going. Im very relaxed and chilled out. Im really down to earth and very, as the title of my blog reads “positive.”
Over the past few years of my life, I’ like many other single people have been looking to get married. Now, some people will think, “that should be easy! Look at you! A relationship and marriage expert! You know your stuff!” I wish people would see it like that but you know how people are. They see “qualifications.” Not just what job or career you hold but what culture you come from, what is your race, can you speak this language? Over the years, it’s exactly been that.
I don’t hold any college degrees. You might read my blog and think, i must’ve went to college or uni for english. Perhaps even psychology. I actually went for neither. I just love writing a lot and I just love human behaviour and psychology, that it has become one of my interests, hobbies. I actually love counselling as well, so when you come across advice on my Facebook or on this blog, its because I love helping people overcome things in their lives. When people look for these qualifications as if it makes you more fitting as a person or makes you at a higher standard, it hurts. It’s like your name is attached to a degree, which elevates your status in front of people. All it is though, is a title. People see you for your title, not for who you are and it hurts to know this.
The fact that people have a preference over what language you speak, what culture you are from, instead of how you are compatible with each other is something I cannot fathom. Never in my life, will I ever begin to understand this, ever. It’s heart breaking knowing that people have preferences over language and culture, instead of who you are as a person. As if, being culturally different or speaking a different language, which is obviously the second or first language is very alien like. Not from this world. Sometimes, I just sit back and think, If I cut your skin open and you cut mine, what colour would be underneath there? Red, of course. So we are not different at all.
My search for a spouse and the failed attempts getting married look like this:
- Your career choice is something my parents wouldn’t accept, I’d prefer you goto college so at least my parents know you are educated.
- My parents would never accept you because of your career choice. What would they think, that I am marrying this man who does this for a living?
- I can’t marry you because my mother speaks this language and I would prefer someone who would also prefer that language as well. You know? Just to make it easy on my mother but she does speak english and understand it.
- You are not African American. I’d prefer someone who is African American.
- My wali (guardian) says, since you are not pakistani/moroccan, I cannot marry you. He says, there will be a culture clash because you come from a different culture than mine. Even though, I am willing but he is my wali and he says no.
So you see how disheartening it is to read all of that, which has happened in a matter of years. Very close years. Sometimes even in the same year. What do these people expect of me? Am I not human? Do I not deserve a chance? Do I have to bow down to the dollar, get into debt over a career, change my language and then I’ll be acceptable? It’s hysterical to say the least. Thinking of these things, which are not rational to the human mind, it really brings me down sometimes because I am a person, not a title, not a language nor a culture. All those things don’t signify me as a person nor describe who I am.
The words I speak, the actions I do and the way I live my life, describe me. It hurts but when it hurts, I write about it and express which I don’t do often or at all on my blog. If you can relate, I feel your pain. No one should have to jump hurdles to be with someone they want to be with and no one should place hurdles in front of other people if they want to be with them. If you don’t want to be with another person, don’t waste their time.
So if you ever wonder why I write about marriage or relationships and give advice, its because I’ve had a shit pile I went through in my life, which I hope you don’t go through in yours. I visualize and see my marriage in this particular manner, so I share it with you. I always hope for the best in people and always accept people as they are, with a blank page and nothing else. I do wish, people would accept me as I am, instead of place me in a category, wearing a title, expecting me to be someone I am not. I’ll never sell myself to anyone wanting to be who I am not, just so they can please their family or themselves. I am an acceptable person, who is fit and capable for a relationship. I am fit for marriage and I am definitely marriage material. Am I writing this hoping I find a wife? No. I am writing this because I am hurt over this and expressing myself the best way I know how. After this, I know I’ll get closure in my life but it is very likely, a similar situation will happen again no matter what I’ve been through. People are so attached to titles, that if a person doesn’t belong to a title, that person is not acceptable. It’s life and alhumdulilah, whatever is destined for me will happen and will not avert me. Whatever wont happen, wont and that is the Will of Allah SWT. Here I am, relating to you a piece of my life that has made me become the writer, the man, I am today.