Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 1

One of the rights of a Muslim, upon another Muslim is when he/she seeks your advice, advise them. [Shahih Muslim]

His statement, “And when he seeks your advice, advise him.” This means that if he seeks consultation with you regarding some action, as to whether he should do it or not, then advise him with that which you would like for yourself. Thus, if the action is something that is beneficial in all aspects, then encourage him to do that, and if it is something harmful, then warn him against it. And if the action contains both benefit and harm, then explain that to him and weigh the benefits against the harms. Likewise, if he consults with you concerning some dealing with someone among the people, or whether he should marry a woman off to someone, or whether he should marry someone, then extend your pure and sincere advice to him, and deal with him from the view point of what you would do for you own self. And avoid deceiving him in any matter of these things. For verily whoever deceives the Muslims, then he is not of them, and indeed he has left off the obligation of being sincere and advising. And this sincerity and advising is absolutely obligatory, however it becomes more emphasized when the person seeks your advice and he requests from you that you give him a beneficial opinion. For this reason the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) specifically mentioned it in this important situation. The explanation of the hadeeth, “The religion is sincerity.”

I read your post about marriage and i´m really impressed about the work that you do here. May Allah bless you for that!
I´m still not sure if it´s necessary to write you my problem/ question, but as I read your articles it came to my mind.
So , where do I start? I´m a muslim, not married woman. And I know a man for almost 2 years. I´m confused about this relationship(?) and I don´t know what to do, as it is making me sick and sad thinking about it. I don´t know if I´m doing something wrong.
Well, although we know each other for 2 years, we have never meet each other. We know each other from the internet (a social network) and at the beginning we chatted almost every day on msn about everything in life (Deen, family, studies, work..) I got to know him better and liked his closeness to religion, which is also very important to me. I feel like having a male friend , which I never had ,exept my brother and dad.  After 3 or 4months our chatting decreased. We chatted twice a month, when he visited his parents. (He lives alone, about 4hours away from his parents because of his job and his internet is very slow). After a while i asked him about this relation. He said, that he is not sure, he cant say “yes” or “no”, he needs time and his job is really hard and important to him. After a some months we started talking on skype. I asked him again, and he still couln´t answer me. He needs time and i got angry. He said, that he is not that kind of guy who meets girls and has bad intentions. He is sure, that we would match, but if we meet (in real life :D) it would be hard to handle for him, because of the distance (as he also lives about 3 hours away from me).He also said, that I shouldn´t wait for him, if I know someone to marry, I should do it. He would never force me to stay in contact with him. Because of my anger i didn´t write him for about 3 weeks..until i realised that i miss his friendship. So i apologized to him and after a while he forgave me and we talked again on skype.. as he hasn´t got a car now, he visits his parents only once a month and so we talk only once a month. Sometimes I think, that this relation leads to nothing. I invest more in this relation than he does…as I asked him the questions about the sense of this relation and wait for him on skype to come online… but on the other hand he is a really special person, who is interested in my life and always listens.
Am I doing something wrong in keeping this relationship? Am I naive? Don´t know what to do..cant stay positive in this situation.
Oh my god, my message is reallly long.I´m sorrryy:) Hope you don´t mind reading it.  Thanks for your time.
Wa salam

Walikhum salam. Firstly, don’t ever apologize for writing an email, no matter how long it is. It takes a lot to tell someone their issues, so you should be proud of yourself for that. Smile.
I’ am going to be extremely blunt with you and you seem to know the answer yourself but you just need confirmation on what exactly to do. Your mind wants something but your heart is contradicting your mind, your intention.
When a man is interested in a woman, no job, no calamity, no nothing prevents him from wanting to be with her. No matter the distance between the two of you. Whether it is a 3 hour drive or a 25 hour flight. I had known a couple who knew each other for four years, I think. He lived in Toronto and she lived in Australia. They got married last year. They both wanted something to happen and they worked towards it, despite the problems they had. Despite the distance between each other, they made it work, alhumdulilah.
Also, when an individual says “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That itself is an answer that there is a lack of interest within the relationship. There is also him limiting his contact with you as well.
Never run back to a man unless he is your father or someone that is a tie of kinship, to keep relations going. When you miss him, he knows you need him but the reality is, he doesn’t need you. Harsh but it is the truth. When someone does not invest the same amount of time or close to what is given in, it is better to let go because you are returning with emptiness. Just like if you were to work for a company, you worked your butt off and you never got paid, the end result was not worth it. You invested your time, your hours and whatever else to be excellent for this position but you never got paid. You invested but they never invested nothing back.
He may be special to you but ask yourself, are you special to him? You know that answer by all the telling signs within the relationship over this period of time. You are not naive, you are just someone following your heart and feeling what is right. There is nothing wrong with that. Protect your heart because it is very precious and no one deserves it by stepping all over it and taking advantage of your kindness.
Don’t beat yourself over this, as you are not in wrong over this. He is in fact is losing someone special because he cannot appreciate what is given. What is valuable and that is time and your heart. Don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t seek interest in it fully. Guard your heart, protect your heart as possible. As I, myself is also single but no matter what has happened, I guard my feelings, I guard my heart and I don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t deserve it nor invest in it with the right intentions. Don’t change yourself, no matter what has happened over the period of 2 years. You will be appreciated for who you are. You will be loved for given what is best and that is yourself. Mature from this, grow from this but never regret. Life is not about regret but is about overcoming the trials in our lives and becoming better.
Insha’Allah, this helps. Feel free to write back whenever you like. As much as you like. It can be 3 pages and I’d read and respond, insha’Allah.
Keep in touch. Write back. I look forward to helping you and reading what you have to tell me.

2 thoughts on “Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 1

  1. “…but no matter what has happened, I guard my feelings, I guard my heart and I don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t deserve it nor invest in it with the right intentions….” I love that. It’s a very refreshing way to think. Masha’Allah, may Allah bless you with everything you love, if it’s good for you and if it’s not insha’Allah He gives you way better. Ameen.

    • JazakAllah khair 🙂 Ameen. Very nice of you to say, everexistent. Think that way as well. It’ll save you heartache and unnecessary headaches which you may encounter in the future.


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