Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 3

I have to repeat my sentence: You are totally right, Malik. And yes, it would be odd. I think I just got used to it, talking to him on weekends.
He has a cellphone, but no internet on his cellphone. So no whatsapp..
But I´m really naive,  I think  everybody acts and thinks the way I do,that people always have good intentions and are honest.
I´ve never been in such a situation, and if someone asked me I always immediately rejected in a friendly and honest way (well,to my mind). What´s so difficult in speaking truth?
The quote “ you shouldn´t wait for me, ..” is meant a bit different, as I told him that I would never reject, if my parents want me to get married to someone…to him this was not traceable.Taht´s why, I think he said that to me.
I have to forget him..sounds so easy…
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You are doing your best to defend this relationship which has gone south and decreased. You are still holding onto hope and nothing but hope. When it ends, you will be crushed because he had said from his mouth, it is not working or I am not ready to get married. There is no doubt, you are hurt now but wouldn’t it be better to at least to go while you aren’t hurt really bad?

Ask him, really, ask him, do you want to marry me? If he says, not yet or I don’t know. Then you know the answer is clear once again. Those words he told you, “you shouldn’t wait for me” are by far the most clearest words ever! It clearly states, It doesn’t matter whether I get married to you or not. If I do, then im happy, If I don’t then I am happy. A man will not say that nor a woman. They will say, we will get married, insha’Allah. Lets work it out and be patient.
Nothing is easy but it is better for your heart and better for you psychologically.
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No, I won´t ask him to marry me..in that case I´m old fashioned, I know what you mean.He will never say “yes”.
It sounds like I´m still defending the relationship. But after reading your mails (thank you, thank you thank you) I realised, that I have to change something. I deleted all of his mails and skype of my computer and i have to say it felt really good..don´t know how long this feeling will last. I want to do something to delet everything that reminds me of him. Still thinking about delet my facebook account.. but secretly I´m hoping that he will regret it one day! That won´t happen..
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Don’t delete your facebook because of him. Keep your social networks going but be careful with it. Don’t get sucked into it because a guy may speak really nice, sweet and sound genuine. Those are only words you are hearing/ready but not actions you are physically seeing, coming to see. Anyone can put words together but not everyone can live within those words and perform them.

Just do your best to stay clear of him and be occupied in other things, that will take your mind off of him. I really doubt, he will contact you because if you didn’t speak to him for 2 months and then, you contacted him 2 months later but he didn’t, then his interest wasn’t entirely there.
You are welcome 🙂 Glad, I could help.

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 2

Thank you so much for your mail! You are right, i know that..it´s just that I can´t see it objectiv like you:)
First of all: Yes you can use my mail on your page, but I would like to change some details, as i´m a bit paranoid:).
But what I don´t understand is: Why does he invest his time, if he is not interested? When I write him a mail just like that , he answers me. He asks me about everything I told him (job, interviews, my sisters and brothers), he remembers all details which I tell him.
BUT he is never the first who writes (exept it´s my birthday) but answers immediately, when i write him. And when I didn´t have the time to skype he tells me next time, that he was online waiting for me…
He himself told me the last time i asked him, if he is still interested, that he wouldn´t come online, if he wasn´t interested..
Besides, he is a little bit strange..or I would say very shy and not very selfconfident ( I suppose it´s because he´s not tall;) ).
He once told me about girls, that he really liked. One girl, which he knew from school ( thats about 10 years ago), was a good friend and he secretly really liked her, than she moved away and he didn´t even tell her about his feeling.- I told him, that this is really strange, but he said he didn´t want to. The seconde girl he liked was also a good friend, he knew her for some years and than one day she told him, that she met a boy in her hometown (she is engaged now). .. besides he once told me, that he doesn´t know why men should always do first steps in relationships…
SO I wrote him my mobile number, that he can contact  me ..but he just replied, that we will talk at the weekend on skype (or on weekdays on FB), when he is home. ( Calling someones mobile is more expensive here than a normal landline phone)
When I asked him about our relation, he told me, that he doesn´t want to marry unless he can offer me something, as he has got a fixed job now (for about 5 month) but still wants to move back to his hometown to work, but cant find a job there. That´s why he doesn´t have his own furniture in his apparment or a landline phone or internet.- I told him, that this doesn´t matter, but he said to him it does.
Look how I´m trying to denfend him 😀
I know, if I would now stop to skype with him and write him on fb, he would never write or ask me why…but when in write him in 2 months, he would immediately answer and say..”hey, how are you? Where have you been?…”
I feel like sitting on a couch and talking to a psychologist 🙂
Once again, thanks!
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One thing people who really care for another, always contact that individual first. A lot of times what I used to do was see if that individual would message me, that is after I’ve messaged them several times. To see if I cross their mind or not.
If you’ve messaged him two months later and he did not contact you within those two months, what does that tell you? Why is that you have to contact him first and then only he contacts you thereafter? Does that make any sense? What I’d say is don’t contact him at all and see when he decides to speak to you but that would not put your heart at ease or at rest. You would only become paranoid and fearful. Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore? Maybe I am doing the wrong thing? And so many more things.
The brother is correct though in looking for his benefits and your benefits in regards to being prepared for marriage. If he is not able to provide for you, there is a fear of that but does he know that is Allah SWT that provides rizq for everyone? Does he know that marriage would increase the blessings in his life and Allah SWT will give more?
The more you try to convince someone that you are good enough for them, the more you realize how much you value that person and how much you’ve devalued yourself. You are throwing yourself at him and he doesn’t seem to want to take the offer but only become fearful or make excuses, you know?
When someone is really interested in you, they wont say, I’ll only speak to you when I am home etc. They will speak to you whenever and whatever way they can because you mean a lot to that individual. Perhaps I don’t know the brothers circumstance and maybe he doesn’t have data on his phone or he doesn’t have WhatsApp but in reality, everyone has a phone with data correct? So if he has data, being able to communicate with you over WhatsApp would be the most easiest thing? Again, I don’t know the brothers situation. Maybe he doesn’t own a cellphone.
Be honest with me okay? If your friend said to you, I really enjoy your company and I really enjoy speaking to you but, I will only talk to you only on the weekends. How would that make you feel? Would you not be confused that you can only make time for me on the weekends but I make time for you all the time? No individual is alike but wouldn’t it be odd? I think it would be.
You really need to think of this situation and really come to a decision because what it seems like, is that you are really interested in him and he lacks interest in you despite what he says. You only contacting him and him only saying things like “I was waiting for you to come online but you never came” is only to make you feel guilty. Trust me.
Sister, you are worth more than this. Why continue to chase him, while he distances himself and continues to make “excuses” for being interested in you. Maybe he is but myself being a guy and knowing the situations and being in several situations in my life that are similar to what you are going through, I know what it is. I’ve been through what you are going through and I’ve come to a point in my life where I do not waste my time anymore with people who don’t want to invest time in me or is not confident in being with me. If that person wants to be with me, they will. I don’t chase anyone, I don’t try to convince them. I don’t even say, we get along great, etc; because the truth of the matter is, if you see it and they don’t, you are wasting your time. Relationships are based on mutual agreements, compromise and most important of all, sacrifice. He is not sacrificing what you are sacrificing for him. He continues to say “woah, woah, yeah, I got a job but………………………” you see, how everything he has said was but? There is no clear answer he has given you. When the brother had said to you, “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That is the most clearest answer ever given to anyone and that shows the lack of interest and he doesn’t care whether you two get married or not.
Right now, what you are doing is holding on, hoping he changes his mind. Hoping he agrees and you have a dream marriage and everything just fits perfectly together but from what you’ve told me, It doesn’t seem to go that way. Sister, don’t sit there waiting for someone to change. People are as they are. If the brother really wanted to marry you, him having a job, he would marry you and not say, “if you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” If a woman had said that to me, I’d know she doesn’t want a future with me and her interest in me isn’t there and she isn’t confident in this working.

Interested In A Man For 2 Years, We Keep In Touch But (Advice) Pt 1

One of the rights of a Muslim, upon another Muslim is when he/she seeks your advice, advise them. [Shahih Muslim]

His statement, “And when he seeks your advice, advise him.” This means that if he seeks consultation with you regarding some action, as to whether he should do it or not, then advise him with that which you would like for yourself. Thus, if the action is something that is beneficial in all aspects, then encourage him to do that, and if it is something harmful, then warn him against it. And if the action contains both benefit and harm, then explain that to him and weigh the benefits against the harms. Likewise, if he consults with you concerning some dealing with someone among the people, or whether he should marry a woman off to someone, or whether he should marry someone, then extend your pure and sincere advice to him, and deal with him from the view point of what you would do for you own self. And avoid deceiving him in any matter of these things. For verily whoever deceives the Muslims, then he is not of them, and indeed he has left off the obligation of being sincere and advising. And this sincerity and advising is absolutely obligatory, however it becomes more emphasized when the person seeks your advice and he requests from you that you give him a beneficial opinion. For this reason the Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) specifically mentioned it in this important situation. The explanation of the hadeeth, “The religion is sincerity.”

I read your post about marriage and i´m really impressed about the work that you do here. May Allah bless you for that!
I´m still not sure if it´s necessary to write you my problem/ question, but as I read your articles it came to my mind.
So , where do I start? I´m a muslim, not married woman. And I know a man for almost 2 years. I´m confused about this relationship(?) and I don´t know what to do, as it is making me sick and sad thinking about it. I don´t know if I´m doing something wrong.
Well, although we know each other for 2 years, we have never meet each other. We know each other from the internet (a social network) and at the beginning we chatted almost every day on msn about everything in life (Deen, family, studies, work..) I got to know him better and liked his closeness to religion, which is also very important to me. I feel like having a male friend , which I never had ,exept my brother and dad.  After 3 or 4months our chatting decreased. We chatted twice a month, when he visited his parents. (He lives alone, about 4hours away from his parents because of his job and his internet is very slow). After a while i asked him about this relation. He said, that he is not sure, he cant say “yes” or “no”, he needs time and his job is really hard and important to him. After a some months we started talking on skype. I asked him again, and he still couln´t answer me. He needs time and i got angry. He said, that he is not that kind of guy who meets girls and has bad intentions. He is sure, that we would match, but if we meet (in real life :D) it would be hard to handle for him, because of the distance (as he also lives about 3 hours away from me).He also said, that I shouldn´t wait for him, if I know someone to marry, I should do it. He would never force me to stay in contact with him. Because of my anger i didn´t write him for about 3 weeks..until i realised that i miss his friendship. So i apologized to him and after a while he forgave me and we talked again on skype.. as he hasn´t got a car now, he visits his parents only once a month and so we talk only once a month. Sometimes I think, that this relation leads to nothing. I invest more in this relation than he does…as I asked him the questions about the sense of this relation and wait for him on skype to come online… but on the other hand he is a really special person, who is interested in my life and always listens.
Am I doing something wrong in keeping this relationship? Am I naive? Don´t know what to do..cant stay positive in this situation.
Oh my god, my message is reallly long.I´m sorrryy:) Hope you don´t mind reading it.  Thanks for your time.
Wa salam

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Walikhum salam. Firstly, don’t ever apologize for writing an email, no matter how long it is. It takes a lot to tell someone their issues, so you should be proud of yourself for that. Smile.
I’ am going to be extremely blunt with you and you seem to know the answer yourself but you just need confirmation on what exactly to do. Your mind wants something but your heart is contradicting your mind, your intention.
When a man is interested in a woman, no job, no calamity, no nothing prevents him from wanting to be with her. No matter the distance between the two of you. Whether it is a 3 hour drive or a 25 hour flight. I had known a couple who knew each other for four years, I think. He lived in Toronto and she lived in Australia. They got married last year. They both wanted something to happen and they worked towards it, despite the problems they had. Despite the distance between each other, they made it work, alhumdulilah.
Also, when an individual says “you shouldn’t wait for me, If you know someone to marry, you should marry him.” That itself is an answer that there is a lack of interest within the relationship. There is also him limiting his contact with you as well.
Never run back to a man unless he is your father or someone that is a tie of kinship, to keep relations going. When you miss him, he knows you need him but the reality is, he doesn’t need you. Harsh but it is the truth. When someone does not invest the same amount of time or close to what is given in, it is better to let go because you are returning with emptiness. Just like if you were to work for a company, you worked your butt off and you never got paid, the end result was not worth it. You invested your time, your hours and whatever else to be excellent for this position but you never got paid. You invested but they never invested nothing back.
He may be special to you but ask yourself, are you special to him? You know that answer by all the telling signs within the relationship over this period of time. You are not naive, you are just someone following your heart and feeling what is right. There is nothing wrong with that. Protect your heart because it is very precious and no one deserves it by stepping all over it and taking advantage of your kindness.
Don’t beat yourself over this, as you are not in wrong over this. He is in fact is losing someone special because he cannot appreciate what is given. What is valuable and that is time and your heart. Don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t seek interest in it fully. Guard your heart, protect your heart as possible. As I, myself is also single but no matter what has happened, I guard my feelings, I guard my heart and I don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t deserve it nor invest in it with the right intentions. Don’t change yourself, no matter what has happened over the period of 2 years. You will be appreciated for who you are. You will be loved for given what is best and that is yourself. Mature from this, grow from this but never regret. Life is not about regret but is about overcoming the trials in our lives and becoming better.
Insha’Allah, this helps. Feel free to write back whenever you like. As much as you like. It can be 3 pages and I’d read and respond, insha’Allah.
Keep in touch. Write back. I look forward to helping you and reading what you have to tell me.

Children, Their Naturalness & How We Lost Ours

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When we look at kids, we see how they are not self-conscious of themselves. They don’t care how their hair looks, their nose, the size of their body or anything of that sort. They stay active through out the day, utilizing their bodies as tools or toys to toss around the living room or in the park. They are care free to what others around them are saying. Their level of self-conscious does not exist at such a high level and everything seems to revolve around “fun”, being adventurous and courageous. Eventually, the child grows and that level of self-conscious kicks in. My nose is shaped this way, my body is too skinny or too big, I need to fix or colour my hair. Their youth, courageousness, adventurous selves becomes lost along the way because they’ve developed this self-conscious thinking and the perception of others.

Everything now becomes about perception. What will others think? What will others say if I do a certain thing like this? Will I lose my friends if they think I am weird? This level of thinking never existed as children because what mattered was to please ourselves and nobody else around.

As parents, they are also a building force behind how a child perceives themselves and grows into the best version of themselves or a parent is the destruction force behind their children’s confidence and the ability to tap their own God given talents.

Is it to say, we as adults have lost our way? Lost our own naturalness because pleasing the people is more important in the long term? The short term effects makes us feel great but deep down inside, we know this not genuine and eventually, the feeling fades. We’ve become extremely self-conscious of ourselves that we don’t know at times what is like to be ourselves because we are trying to be everybody else.

The child that was adventurous and brave, becomes entrapped into a society, a way of thinking what will others think, so they close off themselves to being adventurous or brave. The child inside of us becomes caged into a cycle of life based around perception. What is beautiful and what is not? What is rich and what is poor? What fashionable and what is not? As Islam teaches, it is about piety, level of connection with Allah SWT.

If we continue to please everyone around us and never please ourselves, when will we ever become ourselves? When will we ever see the naturalness we have lost and let it escape? We’ve grown into this wild idea that if others are doing a certain thing this way, then it must be correct but as children, we always found a different way. We always invented new things to explore or create. Now, we don’t even think on that level because we have become too busy with things that matter more to others than it matters to us. We’ve surrounded ourselves, our brains to be exact in other peoples ideas or minds. Not to be selfish of course because there is no need to be selfish but the need to be constantly self-conscious in a way that all we think about is the perception of others or how we will fit in.

Parents who are reading or uncles or aunts who have nieces or nephews and parents that are expecting, groom your child into the best version of themselves by allowing them to be natural. Helping them tap their God given abilities and never let them lose their naturalness as we have. Just look at a child in any room and how the only thing matters is happiness of themselves, while we are so worried about the happiness of others and what others will think. There is nothing wrong with having a level of self-consciousness because we will be questioned about our health and our actions but concentrate on being you. It’s important to be yourself and to please yourself more than it is to constantly please other people, while we drown in misery attempting to please them. Most importantly, pleasing Allah SWT matters more than anything in the world. Be you. Don’t worry what others think. Have fun. As long as it is permissible in Islam, then do it and love it!

My 4 Keys To Happiness

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4. The Gym

The feeling when you step into the gym and see all those weights, it’s probably one of the most beautiful feelings. You go into a whole different mindset when you step in there. Your mindset is onto your goals and everything that was in your head before you came to the gym is gone. Lifting those dumbbells, pressing that bar, squatting that weight as heavy as you can, feels so good! Pushing your body to the limit. To see what you got. Do you have the will to keep going even after that last rep took everything out of you? Are you going to complain, it’s too heavy? NO! You are going to go there and give EVERYTHING YOU GOT! Your heart is pumping, you are sweating, feeling great and everything just connects and clicks. I don’t think there are many things that can replace this feeling. The gym has you feeling great and looking great. Now, I know I have women that follow my blog and women, read carefully. Lifting weights does not make you big, bulky. Lifting weights and then eating a lot of food makes you big. Those muscular women got to that stage because their intake of calories and macronutrients went way over than what they were usually eating. Lets say for example, she ate 1200 calories a day and she increased that, she would obviously put on size. Lifting weights does not make you big. Eating garbage food, sitting on the couch, lifting the remote to change the channel makes you big. Be active!

3. A Healthy Lifestyle

People in my family like to call me grandpa with the discipline I have over what foods go into my body. Im not a junk food person. Im not a cake person. Im not even a person with a sweet tooth, considering my entire family has one. If I told you, I could eat junk food all day and I’d lose weight, you would say you are lying! but that is the truth, it happens to me. While my siblings will eat something sugary, I’ll be eating fruits. While they eat something high in trans fat, I’ll eat something in good fats, like an avocado, eggs or walnuts. The thing about a healthy lifestyle is, what you put into your body, is what you’ll get out of your body. I remember whenever I ate Popeyes, it taste good but the feeling after in your stomach is not worth it. You also have to understand, your body is an amanah (trust) on to you. Your body has rights over you so why not give it, its proper rights and treat it with goodness. If you want to feel good, eat the right foods and trust me, you’ll feel energetic, happy, positive all day long, insha’Allah! Eat that garbage and you are in for high and then a crash! Don’t take me the wrong way, I love burgers but I want my heart to feel great, so I eat it sometimes. My kids in the future, insha’Allah will hate me lol! Im not writing insha’Allah for them hating me, Im writing insha’Allah for having kids when I am married.

2. Tawakul (Trust) & Qadr (Decree)

Trust in who? Allah SWT! Whatever affairs are happening in your life, know it is from Allah SWT who has decreed this for you and believing in the decree without a doubt in your mind, without a thought of negativity puts all your worries to rest. The moment you start thinking of things going bad or negatively, you start to worry, you start to panic and where do those worries come from? The whispers of shaytaan. He makes you worry about your rizq (sustenance), he makes you worry about things out of your control, as it is says in Surah Al-Baqara: “Satan threatens you with poverty and orders you to immorality while Allah promises you forgiveness from him and bounty. And Allah is all encompassing and knowing” [2:268]

As long as you continue to make an effort in your life, remember that everything is the decree of Allah SWT. The progress you are making, nothing can go wrong . Only thing you’ll have everyday is a smile on your face because you’ve put your trust in the creator of the heavens and the earth.

1. Salah (Prayer)

This is my number 1 key to happiness. Now, I don’t know how anyone can live their life without salah. The moment you hear Allah-Hu Akbar (God Is The Greatest), no it doesn’t mean, someone is coming to kill you, it means Allah Is The Greatest, that is it. You fold your hands and stand attentively in the salah listening to the beautiful recitation of the Quran. I don’t know how many times I’ve stood in salah and my eyes would start watering, my heart would feel the words of the Quran. As soon as the imam recites something I understand, it’s really hard to hold back tears. Salah is vital organ for a believer. I can’t live without it and you shouldn’t either. No matter how much I may struggle at times, salah is something I will ALWAYS turn to in happiness and in sadness.

These are my 4 keys to happiness. Insha’Allah, you benefited from it and you learned something. JazakAllah khair for reading. Have any questions? Feel free to email me: mshabazz33@gmail.com