*I wrote this a couple of years ago and I had stumbled across this on my facebook notes. It is one of my favourite pieces as it shows growth, maturity and understanding. Insha’Allah, it helps you in some way. Enjoy!
As a kid growing up, I wasn’t the most handsome looking guy. I wasn’t even worth while looking at. I remember in high school a girl said to me, literally; “you look uglier than last year.” When she said that, my friend was right beside me and all he could do was chuckle. I never had a low self esteem nor did I ever think I was this ugly looking guy as she perceived because as the years went on, she found something about my physical presence that did attract her which was weird.
There was something about myself which I had a hard time understanding. I was never out looking for love but I did write about it a lot. I guess in a way I found peace in myself whenever i wrote about it. I would write poems but then, eventually you branch out of your writings and try to live within your imagination. Which I believe everyone attempts to do. Whenever I’d feel for a certain girl, I’d write about it not knowing how I exactly felt. Whether it was love or lust or a life lesson which I eventually learned as I matured.
Love was definitely a new feeling. I didn’t expect it to hit me the way it did when I actually fell in “love.” I didn’t expect things to go the way it did. I didn’t expect things to bubble out that way I imagined them because I always imagined a certain, perfect, love life. Her and I would be happy, there wouldn’t be many fights and life goes on. Like a fairytale, right? I imagined things would go smooth and when fights would occur, we would fix these things. See, I thought this was actually love.
I eventually went on with this experience of “love” that I was mystified by. It took over my mind, it took over the way I’d do certain things. My day-to-day actions as a person changed. I was no longer this individual many others knew but i was a different person because I believed I had “love” in my life. Was I happy in this state? Of course I was. Anyone who has ever been in love knows how it feels to be in love but no one knows how it actually feels when reality hits you. When things you believe that were written for you never occur, even though your imagination is all over the place, trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle. You attempt to put these pieces of the puzzle of love together. To Make sure everything is right and nothing should go wrong. That is what we all believe, right? Again, a fairytale.
My love experiences have been insane. Has it broken my soul as a man? I believe not because I believe everything that has happened to me in my life, has made me a much wiser person. Has made me aware of the harsh realities of life and how people react to certain emotions. Genuine emotions, false emotions, physical emotions. They all came with the good and the bad. The bad was my life taking a drastic turn because I eventually realized this love…. was not love at all. It was far from love because I attempted to make things permissible when it was never permissible. It was against the laws of my nature. The book of my life, that was written before I was even born.
I tried to be this individual who couldn’t seize the moment of life, when “love” was going bad. I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t grasp these moments as they were transpiring. I was wondering what I did wrong and each time something went wrong, I attempted to fix it because I was ignorant and I didn’t want to let go of this “love” that entered my soul. I didn’t understand that this love was fabricated by these movies we are introduced to. Cartoons we watch of Mickey Mouse and Minny Mouse, showing us how happily they are in love. I didn’t understand any of it. I let it take control of my life. I was happy maybe for a few months but then that happiness was gone. My heart was shifting from a very warm, loving person to a very cold hearted person because “love” exited my life.
These moments of love exiting my life were very, very, difficult. It left me in a state of confusion and still at that time, I was ignorant. I didn’t understand how and exactly why these things kept happening or as we say “to me, why me?”
Then reality hit me. I felt comfortable in my own skin because I understood that these types of “love” were created by someone else and we were just trying to live through someone else fantasies. We attempt to create all types of dreams, that we believe will come true, through our actions but they were never our actions. We carried ourselves through someone else visions of love. We hesitated to live with ourselves because we were seeking something that was out of reach but we made it seem it was so close to us.
Love may seem scary but in fact, it is far from scary. Real love which I am honestly still seeking I am not afraid of. The fabricated love I am definitely afraid of because it’s not that I don’t understand it, it’s the hardships it puts you through. The life lessons that come with it are great but that’s all they were. To help shape you to become a better individual. I’ve learned lessons through having relationships that I wanted to work out but never ended up working. You put your whole life and soul into it. You give it your all and then it just all falls apart.
Some of us will never understand that what we are actually chasing, has always been out of reach. That girl has always been out of reach but as you try to get closer to her, she just seems to get further, further away. Not in that sense she doesn’t want you but in your heart she’s more further away then she is actually close to you. Your mind plays tricks on you. Saying, you love her. Saying all these types of things because you want to be loved so bad and show love so bad. You want to share that happiness that you see others express walking through the streets. That others display so openly. You crave for it but it was never real. You just attempted to put visions of others and some of your imagination together to make it seem like it was real and coming true.
You see, love is very tricky. You either know you are in love or you think you are in love. When you know you are in love, your passion, your livelihood, your personality, a lot of things change about you. When you think you are in love, you chase materialistic things. You chase dinners. You chase movies. You chase these visions that others placed in our minds, that make it seem that we are in love. So we continue to chase it and in the end, we are left lifeless. We are left with nothing because we feel our other half has actually left us and we can’t live no more. We have nothing to live for. When it is not necessarily true because that other half was never our other half, that is why it never worked. That is why each time you attempted to put the pieces of the puzzle together, it would just all fall apart.
I think love is great. Real love is great but fabricated love can and will leave you scarred. It will leave you displaced as an individual. You will be searching to find your soul rather than a soul mate, that’s how harsh fabricated love can be. I am not saying, real love can’t do this but fabricated love which everyone seems to be chasing happens more often.
Don’t be afraid to love, share love, share love with those who aren’t afraid to share it with you but understand certain things occur because it has been written for you. You either didn’t understand the lesson that was placed in front of you or you were so caught up in “love” that when you did understand it, it was to late and your soul was broken.
My soul is no longer broken. My experiences of love have helped me understand people much better. It has made me aware of these harsh realities and It’s life. I no longer chase this fabricated love even though it made me a better person. It showed me how to love when I do find my wife. Loving is not just about words or actions, it’s about the peace you feel when you are with that person as well. Fabricated love will never make you happy. It never will because we try to live visions, stories of others we have read about. We want this love or that love but we need to find our love before we seek to love others more than anything else.
Love is great, love is beautiful and I am a lover but not a lover of fabricated love. Don’t go soul searching with every female or male you come across. Just let things happen the way it’s meant to happen. Life will take its course and you will find whomever it is your meant to be with. Most important of all, always ask Allah for everything in this life.