Asalamwalikum (Peace Be Upon You). Many people ask themselves or people the question, “When do I know if I am ready to get married?” The question you have to ask yourself is, why are you pursuing marriage? You have friends that have just gotten married and you are caught in the hype? You are genuinely looking to get married? You are fascinated by marriage? There are a lot of reasons why people intend to get married. Your intention has to be right whether you are young or old. A lot of times, especially with young people, they think they are ready for marriage but they are not and it causes a lot heart ache in the long run and it may or may not affect you psychologically for the next person who may have pure intentions for marriage.
1. Concentrate on yourself and correct your intention. Make sure it is what you want and not just because there are summer weddings you’ve attended or because your friends are getting married and you think you are ready too. We attend weddings and we become fascinated by all the things that happen. We see two couples happy, two families happy and everyone is having a great time. We see the happiness in the face of the couple and it is what we desire, until the feeling wears off. We believe we are ready for marriage but a lot of times, our intention is not correct. We simply have the desire to get married because others are. Another reason is because we have several problems in our lives. Whether it has to do with our eman (faith), not praying salah, emotional and psychological problems and getting married won’t a lot of times solve your issues. You are only looking to get married to solve the issues and share your burden. That is not to say, being married you aren’t allow to share the burden with your spouse but this should not the be sole reason why you are pursuing marriage. Your intention has to be right, you want to get married for the correct reasons.
2. Find someone who is a practicing Muslim and you should at least be practicing to. Im not talking about the companions type of practicing because I highly doubt they exist but someone who is at least practicing because they will be a role model for your children. They’ll pray as he prays and they’ll pray she prays and you two can learn from each other. Your spouse completes half of your religion and what is a better way to complete it by finding someone whom also shares the vision of jannah (heaven)? Whom will help you strive to the straight path? Whom will correct your aqeeda (belief) or fine tune it, if there are things you are doing which you thought was a Sunnah or an act of worship wasn’t. You want your spouse to correct these things because you want to save each other from the hellfire and meet each other in jannah.
3. If you feel and know you are ready, your intention is correct, ask friends if they know someone who they think is compatible for you or even your family. Compatibility is extremely important, not just in an Islamic sense but in ways you get along with each other. Things you dislike and like. You DO NOT want a clone of you. You two have to have chemistry. If you two cannot get along, then leave it alone. They may be extremely good looking or have good manners but if there is nothing there which you find or feel, shut the door because this is now closed. Do not go and try to fix this person to your desires because it won’t work. You are making a very bad move and it’ll hurt you in the long run. People will come as they are and improve, you can either accept it or reject it, don’t be delusional.
The reason why you go to your friends and your family it’s because they know your character, so they have seen every side of you. If they do know someone then you can give that a try but make sure, you two aren’t alone because it leads to several things which you think you are prepared for in your mind but you are not when it gets to that point. Do your BEST to keep it halal. It is hard but you can do it and it is do able.
Now the problem with telling your family that you are looking to get married, it can become an issue. I know with the issues that happen within a lot of homes, we are not as close as we want to be with our parents and instead, we are close to our friends. Our parents have put this kind of fear or kind of hesitation whenever we feel like talking to them about these issues. In order to break these barriers, you must take the first step into breaking them and talking about it. You have to over come your fears. Many parents carry an old age tradition or mentality that is either rough or rugged, that means certain issues cannot be talked about it. Break that barrier. Your parents are everything in your life, so they deserve to be told. It shouldn’t be as if you’ve made a decision and you bring the individual over and your parents are blowing a fuse because you are saying “Hey, mom, dad, I want you to meet a guy/girl I wan to marry, here she/he is, SURPRISE!” I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a smack upside your head, you don’t want that lol. I know parents can be tough to speak to. They can be hard to crack but be patient with them and be courageous. In order to have a relationship with your parents, it must start with you. So break that barrier and speak to them.
4. Know what you are looking for when it comes to a spouse and please don’t be superficial. I think the sole reason why people remain single for a very long time is because they are looking for a superficial, imaginary spouse that will come riding a horse or a luxury car and you’ll be rescued or she will drop a glass slipper and you’ll pursue her. C’mon people, these things aren’t real lol… You have to be realistic and not live in your imagination. Good character, good habits, good manners, goals, ambitions, how they treat their friends and family, how often they pray. All these things have to come into consideration. Being millionaires and having degrees does not make up for the lack of character, lack of eman and respect they’ll give to you in marriage. Money and degrees does not give you a successful marriage but a person who is open minded, caring, loving, hard working, willing to sacrifice and compromise for you will, insha’Allah (if Allah wishes).
5. If you think both of you are right for each other, meaning you’ve both agreed to take the next step and that is to pursue marriage, then pray ishtikhara, it is the guidance salah. You will read a lot of misconceptions about ishtikhara and things that will happen. You will not get a dream. You will not get a dream, I have to write it twice because you don’t know how many times I hear people tell me, “I had a dream!” No, Martin had a dream, you are having an I don’t know what. That is by far the biggest misconception about Ishtikhara is if the person is right or wrong for you, you’ll see a dream with certain colours or that you’ll see a delicious ice cream sandwich that means, they are right for you and this is incorrect. The correct way of knowing if that person is right for you, is you will get a feeling or things will happen where you’ll see things are getting tough for the marriage to take place or things will get easier and the marriage is happening and everyone is happy.
6. Finally this is the most important aspect in the search of marriage and that is being happy with the decree of Allah and patience. The person you will end up marrying is already written for you. So it may not be this person, it may be another or another or another, so be patient in your search. Do not drown yourself in depression or sadness because it did not happen, as there is wisdom behind this. Perhaps if it did happen and they led you to the hellfire because of their actions or they hurt you or abused you or whatever it may be. There are women that verbally and physically abuse their husband and there are men which also do the same thing to their wives, so be happy with the decree of Allah SWT.
And Allah knows best.
If you have any questions, need advice, just email me and I’ll do my best to reply with the best possible advice.