When Do I Know When I Am Ready To Get Married?

Image

Asalamwalikum (Peace Be Upon You). Many people ask themselves or people the question, “When do I know if I am ready to get married?” The question you have to ask yourself is, why are you pursuing marriage? You have friends that have just gotten married and you are caught in the hype? You are genuinely looking to get married? You are fascinated by marriage? There are a lot of reasons why people intend to get married. Your intention has to be right whether you are young or old. A lot of times, especially with young people, they think they are ready for marriage but they are not and it causes a lot heart ache in the long run and it may or may not affect you psychologically for the next person who may have pure intentions for marriage.

1. Concentrate on yourself and correct your intention. Make sure it is what you want and not just because there are summer weddings you’ve attended or because your friends are getting married and you think you are ready too. We attend weddings and we become fascinated by all the things that happen. We see two couples happy, two families happy and everyone is having a great time. We see the happiness in the face of the couple and it is what we desire, until the feeling wears off. We believe we are ready for marriage but a lot of times, our intention is not correct. We simply have the desire to get married because others are. Another reason is because we have several problems in our lives. Whether it has to do with our eman (faith), not praying salah, emotional and psychological problems and getting married won’t a lot of times solve your issues. You are only looking to get married to solve the issues and share your burden. That is not to say, being married you aren’t allow to share the burden with your spouse but this should not the be sole reason why you are pursuing marriage. Your intention has to be right, you want to get married for the correct reasons.

2. Find someone who is a practicing Muslim and you should at least be practicing to. Im not talking about the companions type of practicing because I highly doubt they exist but someone who is at least practicing because they will be a role model for your children. They’ll pray as he prays and they’ll pray she prays and you two can learn from each other. Your spouse completes half of your religion and what is a better way to complete it by finding someone whom also shares the vision of jannah (heaven)? Whom will help you strive to the straight path? Whom will correct your aqeeda (belief) or fine tune it, if there are things you are doing which you thought was a Sunnah or an act of worship wasn’t. You want your spouse to correct these things because you want to save each other from the hellfire and meet each other in jannah.

3. If you feel and know you are ready, your intention is correct, ask friends if they know someone who they think is compatible for you or even your family. Compatibility is extremely important, not just in an Islamic sense but in ways you get along with each other. Things you dislike and like. You DO NOT want a clone of you. You two have to have chemistry. If you two cannot get along, then leave it alone. They may be extremely good looking or have good manners but if there is nothing there which you find or feel, shut the door because this is now closed. Do not go and try to fix this person to your desires because it won’t work. You are making a very bad move and it’ll hurt you in the long run. People will come as they are and improve, you can either accept it or reject it, don’t be delusional.

The reason why you go to your friends and your family it’s because they know your character, so they have seen every side of you. If they do know someone then you can give that a try but make sure, you two aren’t alone because it leads to several things which you think you are prepared for in your mind but you are not when it gets to that point. Do your BEST to keep it halal. It is hard but you can do it and it is do able.

Now the problem with telling your family that you are looking to get married, it can become an issue. I know with the issues that happen within a lot of homes, we are not as close as we want to be with our parents and instead, we are close to our friends. Our parents have put this kind of fear or kind of hesitation whenever we feel like talking to them about these issues. In order to break these barriers, you must take the first step into breaking them and talking about it. You have to over come your fears. Many parents carry an old age tradition or mentality that is either rough or rugged, that means certain issues cannot be talked about it. Break that barrier. Your parents are everything in your life, so they deserve to be told. It shouldn’t be as if you’ve made a decision and you bring the individual over and your parents are blowing a fuse because you are saying “Hey, mom, dad, I want you to meet a guy/girl I wan to marry, here she/he is, SURPRISE!” I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a smack upside your head, you don’t want that lol. I know parents can be tough to speak to. They can be hard to crack but be patient with them and be courageous. In order to have a relationship with your parents, it must start with you. So break that barrier and speak to them.

4. Know what you are looking for when it comes to a spouse and please don’t be superficial. I think the sole reason why people remain single for a very long time is because they are looking for a superficial, imaginary spouse that will come riding a horse or a luxury car and you’ll be rescued or she will drop a glass slipper and you’ll pursue her. C’mon people, these things aren’t real lol… You have to be realistic and not live in your imagination. Good character, good habits, good manners, goals, ambitions, how they treat their friends and family, how often they pray. All these things have to come into consideration. Being millionaires and having degrees does not make up for the lack of character, lack of eman and respect they’ll give to you in marriage. Money and degrees does not give you a successful marriage but a person who is open minded, caring, loving, hard working, willing to sacrifice and compromise for you will, insha’Allah (if Allah wishes).

5. If you think both of you are right for each other, meaning you’ve both agreed to take the next step and that is to pursue marriage, then pray ishtikhara, it is the guidance salah. You will read a lot of misconceptions about ishtikhara and things that will happen. You will not get a dream. You will not get a dream, I have to write it twice because you don’t know how many times I hear people tell me, “I had a dream!” No, Martin had a dream, you are having an I don’t know what. That is by far the biggest misconception about Ishtikhara is if the person is right or wrong for you, you’ll see a dream with certain colours or that you’ll see a delicious ice cream sandwich that means, they are right for you and this is incorrect. The correct way of knowing if that person is right for you, is you will get a feeling or things will happen where you’ll see things are getting tough for the marriage to take place or things will get easier and the marriage is happening and everyone is happy.

6. Finally this is the most important aspect in the search of marriage and that is being happy with the decree of Allah and patience. The person you will end up marrying is already written for you. So it may not be this person, it may be another or another or another, so be patient in your search. Do not drown yourself in depression or sadness because it did not happen, as there is wisdom behind this. Perhaps if it did happen and they led you to the hellfire because of their actions or they hurt you or abused you or whatever it may be. There are women that verbally and physically abuse their husband and there are men which also do the same thing to their wives, so be happy with the decree of Allah SWT.

And Allah knows best.

If you have any questions, need advice, just email me and I’ll do my best to reply with the best possible advice.

mshabazz33@gmail.com

Also read: https://mshabazz33.wordpress.com/2016/06/21/the-importance-of-marrying-a-practicing-muslim/

Advertisements

41 thoughts on “When Do I Know When I Am Ready To Get Married?

  1. This is great! “Know what you are looking for when it comes to a spouse and please don’t be superficial.” I agree 100%. It’s nice to read about marriage from a male perspective, my blog is all about love and marriage for Muslims but I’m female 🙂

    • Lol…thank you. Are you trying to say males are bad at these things? I hope not! Or else I’ll report you!!!! I’m just joking…I tend to write about these things because I want marriages to work…I’ve read your things…your good mashaAllah…

  2. Where do you begin looking if friends/family can’t help?? I don’t have many Muslim friends, so that doesn’t help. Also my parents have no one in mind. I don’t know anyone from work that could be a potential as they’re all non Muslims. I don’t like the idea of using
    Online sites as they all require photos- I am not comfortable with putting my photo on the net (nor do I understand how this could be islamically acceptable as we’re told to lower our gazes and this surely extends to not putting yourself out there so others can oogle at you). So… Yeah I’m out of ideas… Any suggestions??

    • Assalam aalukum, Syeda.

      Have you tried your local masjids? Sometimes many of them have things place where brothers whom are looking to get married come to the imam and ask if also a sister is available and looking to get married. Perhaps you should inform your parents of this idea, especially your father and if not your father, then your brother whom will be able to speak comfortably to the imam. If not, then your parents should have a look and inform people as well, that my daughter is looking to get married and if they know anyone, then that would help too.

      I am not too sure how the online matrimony works but try the old school method by reaching out to people first within your home, your family and then if you know any friends who are actually married, then they could help as well cause they probably got single friends who are looking to get married and who knows, you could be the one. BAMMN!

      • My parents don’t like the idea of asking at the Masjid. That may seem odd but they deliberately moved away from the Muslim community So we wouldn’t be influenced in any negative way because let’s fave it, there’s a lot that goes on which isn’t very Islamic at all.

        It’s a difficult one. I know your post highlights that deen should be the main thing we should consider when looking for a spouse but I also look for academics. I’m highly educated and the last thing I want is to marry a man who earns less and hence feels less of a man. Pride is very important to a man. I strongly believe men should be more educated and earn more than their female counter part. Otherwise the female may come across as too independent and this would cause issues in a marriage where a man’s role as a protector and provider becomes void. Unfortunately though there appears to be a negative correlation between men who are educated and for those that deen is important. As one goes up, the other comes down. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t expect him to be either but wanting someone whom I can connect at not only a spiritual level but also intellectually can’t be such a bad thing, surely?

      • Yes, there are some masjids that don’t have things according to the sunnah and then, there are many that do things according to the sunnah. That doesn’t mean, you should move away from a certain area because of that but you should be inclined to look for one that does do things according to the Quran & Sunnah.

        Education has nothing to do with how much a person is able to earn in a life time. There are several hundreds of thousands of people in America alone that have a post secondary education, a degree but they work as janitors, truck drivers, servers and waitress. What a person does for a living has nothing to do with their intellect. Being able to have intellectual conversations is never tied to degrees. What is a person supposed to talk about, their degrees? Their courses? Education is firstly, a lot of dedication and memorization. Whatever happens after that, is what they choose to do with it and what Allah has planned for them. If intellect was tied to education, then the people running many countries would not be so intellectual after all due to all the bad decisions to continuously make.

        Look for a halal income. That is what matters the most. A halal income which rizq will be provided through that. If a man feels inferior due to your academics, your degrees, then that is his feeling of insecurities, not yours. Any man that is looking to get married for the right reasons, it will not hurt his pride that his wife to be will earn more than him. That is the type of rizq that Allah had provided for her and that is what she will earn and he will earn differently as well.

      • I agree to some extent. Maybe its different in the uk, but to get into a good job, you really do need to be educated or willing to train as you go. I know people who left school with no qualifications at 16 but I deem them to be highly educated due to what they have done with their life. They’ve specialised in an area and gained suitable qualifications the hard way by training on the job. Yes degrees don’t necessarily mean someone will be intellectual, but a person’s ambition and eagerness to learn says a lot more and that’s what I’m after. I certainly believe a career says a lot about a person, after all they will spend most of their life at work and it will mould them. I’d want someone to share my ambitious mindset. It’s not about the end result of making lots of money in a life time but more the journey to improve and better yourself and be the best you can and make a change in society. That’s the person I try to be and I think for compatibility I’d need a spouse who felt the same about life and deen.

        The truth is men feel intimidated by educated women. Traditionally men have taken these roles and can feel threatened by females who hold higher positions then them. There has been much research done in this field. In the UK it is well known that there is a rising trend of Muslim women in their late 20s and early 30s who can not find a suitable spouse. Why? Because guys feel intimidated by them. They instead marry a girl from abroad who will fit nicely into a traditional house wife role or Muslim men are ending up marrying non-Muslims they’ve met through work etc. For decades there’s been a push for women to get educated, now that they are it’s working against them!

      • You actually don’t need a “degree” to get a good job. You need the will to be successful in order to be successful, which will more than likely land you a good job and a good salary. Just because a person has a degree and spent numerous years achieving that degree doesn’t mean much these days. Most places that are looking for people in a certain job market wont hire individuals who have just graduated. They’ll need you to have experience in that field first by “training” or being an apprentice then, if they like you, you’ll get hired. That’s how it works these days. So having a degree doesn’t mean a good salary and a good job. Having great experience and intellect will land you a good job insha’Allah with a good salary. Matter of a fact, if the individual loves what they do, what does a big salary or degree even matter? Most individuals are working in fields they didn’t even study in but love it.

        Maybe South Asian men feel intimidated and if that is the case, why not look else where? You don’t have to marry someone from within your own culture. All that really matters is firstly, they are muslim and secondly, they are compatible with you.

      • I agree with you on both points. Unfortunately there are employers in the uk who won’t even consider a candidate unless they hold a degree for roles where experience would be better than a degree! It’s really strange. The tick box mentality that works against both the candidate and employer…

        And who said I’m searching for someone within the same culture? I’m actually quite open to marrying from any ethnicity as long as we are compatible 🙂 I still don’t think it makes the search any easier as different cultures tend to live exclusively in communities! Why do Muslims have to be so complicated!!

      • That is pretty much anywhere in the world but still, you must have the experience in order to land that job. Not many companies are willing to invest money into you, train you and then hire you just because you have a degree and you are fresh out of school. They need you to have something in order to invest into you as well. That’s just how it works these days due to companies losing money and looking at their budgets at the same time. It’s a tough job market. Unless, you have connections, then you’ll get hired with no experience.

        That’s good then. You definitely should marry whomever has a good character and practices their religion, it’ll be best for you and your children as well. Once again, I say, find a masjid and see if they are have a marriage thing in place.

      • I know it’s a catch 22 situation! Without an experience no one will hire yet they fail to understand that until someone does hire you, you can’t get the experience!

        Inshallah we’ll see what happens. I’ve realised I began feeling the need to settle before I was ready to. There’s a lot of things I need to improve on deen first and truly be ready. The only thing that worries me is my age. I am of marrying age (although I still get mistaken as 18 years old!) And I know my maternal clock is ticking too. I think it’s that societal pressure which is more stressful!

      • Exactly my point! So even the degree doesn’t matter if you don’t have the experience. Odd world.

        You know, it is better to settle before it does get too late. To me, never is too late but if you are looking within the south asian community, than too late is always. Just find someone whom you are compatible with and is as practicing muslim and you should be good. Don’t let that clock tick away if that is what you want.

      • But without the degree in the first place, it’s unlikely to even get to the interview stage unless it’s a manual job.

        But but but how do I find him without using the local masjid (going round in circles here Lol)

      • As long as the rizq is received in a halal way, it shouldn’t matter. Money is money at the end of the day. You need to survive, not to make a marriage work. There is so much more to a marriage than just a degree.

        You have to make connections. Speak to your muslim friends who are also married.

  3. Jazak Allah Khair my dear beloved brother in Islam. I also aprecciate the e-mail you put in the post for questions, we really need more people that can answer Muslim questions. May Allah bless all of us with a succesful marriage. As salam alaykom.

  4. Great and informative article. I have a question, that i have gotten a proposal through a mutual friend of ‘OURS’ and i am pretty much interested in it. I have told about it to my parents except the part that i am interested in it too. While they have agreed to starting the conversation between both the families but they are very much concern about the guy family as they are living in a town far away from our city while the guy works in the city where i reside. i am afraid that IF my parents deny because of this, as they do talk about it and it indicates that 60% chances are of denial. I dont know if this happens, then what would my reaction be and what should i do?

    • JazakAllah khayr

      Tell your parents you are interested too. I don’t think it should be an issue that he lives in another town. When you get married, not everyone usually lives in the same locality, sometimes it does happen but your parents need to accept that. They can’t have you around forever.

      If they deny it, speak to them and let them know it shouldn’t be a problem. Most parents are just afraid of giving their daughters away and hoping they are taken care of, that’s all.

  5. Whoever is islamic learnt whoever wrote this post can u please send ur whatsappp numb or bbm pin plz I’ve got so much questions to ask but I don’t go on internet much if u don’t mind

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s