When it comes to healthy relationships, It all comes down to the rights given to the spouses. If you are giving your husband his rights, which has been decreed by Allah, then things will be smooth. If you give your wife her rights which has been decreed by Allah, then things will be smooth.Everyone and their momma want to be competitive and ego driven. They want to compete with their spouse and see who brings in the most money. If one of them is supposed to “fill” that role and is bringing in less money, then it becomes an issue. Is your husband fulfilling his Islamic rights to you? If yes, then you have to stop complaining. Is he doing his best? If yes, then stop complaining. Is your wife fulfilling her Islamic rights to you? If yes, then stop complaining. Is she doing her best? If yes, then stop complaining.
If you feel and need to choose to marry a person that is not a Muslim, then that it is your choice and you will have to deal with the consequences and difficulties that come with it, which is not easy. If you feel there is a lack of “intellectual, career driven” men out there, then sister there might be something on your part that you are doing wrong. Something in these men that you don’t want. You are probably being too picky or you want things done a certain way or you want to change him or you probably are just chasing and being disappointed by the same type of individuals. Maybe you need to broaden your searches and get people involved to help you find a person which may be suitable for you.
If your deen is lacking and the only thing you are worried about is finding someone who is “intellectual and career driven” then maybe you are chasing only the dunya and as the “voice in our head” says, don’t worry, you can practice Islam when you are older. You got time. I’ll only tell you, you are not promised that time.
Your husband has his rights over you and some men do want their wife to raise their kids and if that is his thing, then that is his right over you. The men have to understand though, you can’t just oppress her with this type of mentality. Yes, what you say to your wife, she must obey and listen but it must not be oppressive and not emotionally affect her and your relationship. Maybe you need sit down with your wife and ask her what makes her happy and if wanting a career in a field which she put her tears, sleep and health into, then let her go out and at least experience it. Do your part to remind her though, as the reminder is for yourself, that Islam comes first and the kids and myself have a right over you too as she has her rights over you as well.
In this life, you want to be single and you feel, eh, my life is less complicated without all the drama from a significant other, it doesn’t mean, the drama stops. There will be other dramas and there will be other tests. If it is not your spouse, it is someone in the family or someone in the workforce or a friend. Getting married is a sunnah and we shouldn’t have that mentality that having a partner is over-rated. It kind of says, Half Our Deen, is over-rated and what Allah and the Messenger Of Allah has prescribed is not the truth.
We just have to remain open-minded and attempt to keep it as simple as possible. If you can find what the Messenger Of Allah has said in his hadiths. A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, beauty, nobility, or religion (adherence to Islam), but choose a religious woman and you will prosper. He also said a woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. He had also said in another hadith, the whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman. Also, when someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. If these requirements about finding a righteous spouse are there, then we should follow that because the Messenger Of Allah was sent to us, to rectify our intentions, help us stay on the right path and correct what was incorrect for so many years, during the ignorant times and if we want to stay towards the ignorant ways, then you are free to do that. Allah has given the Children Of Adam choice.
And Allah knows best.