I just finished watching this documentary about people looking to get married and it seems like or may be like, the South Asian community puts so much emphasis on a person that has degrees, as if it makes that person more remarkable or more worth while. It seems like, the education is at higher standard compared to deen (religion). The youth now-a-days, they seem to know better as understanding Islam has become easier and Alhumdulilah (Thanks To Allah) many of them are looking for a person with deen (religion) over education, as they know themselves, education is not going to guarantee them paradise.
I’ve had my run-ins with women who simply don’t accept me because I am barber. It’s something I love to do and I am passionate about it. In the beginning, they’ll come off as interested. Maybe it is something about my personality or whatever it may be but when it gets serious, it’s like… “Oh wow, am I really going to marry a barber? Can he really provide for me? What will his income be like? I don’t want to live impoverished!” It’s like in their mind they already know what Allah will provide for us as a family. None of us can look into the future and see what will happen, neither of us know but we are able to make smart decisions but to dismiss a person because you believe in the future, they won’t be able to provide for you, as if you’ve seen yourself living in a box on the side of the street or not being able to afford a certain item or whatever it may be, is absolutely stupid. It definitely is hurtful to hear the words, “you are a barber and I don’t think you’ll make enough money. If you had a career or degree, it would make it much more easier for things to come by and jobs, like you know………. you are guaranteed a salary.”
It shouldn’t be this hard to get married for people. We as Muslims looking at spouses with the most digits in their income, is crazy! As a man, in the Quran it says, i am the maintainer of the women and i know my responsibilities as a man. I am not going to dismiss a woman because she can’t cook. I love to eat but just because she can’t cook, I am going to overlook ALL the other great things she has as an individual and as a Muslim? Im not going to think so far into the extreme and say, OMG!! SHE CAN’T COOK! I AM GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH! DEFINITELY NOT THIS WOMAN!! I WILL DIE IF I MARRY HER! Sounds extremely dumb doesn’t it? I completely side with the women who say, well he at least has to have a steady job. Well if he does, why the emphasis on the degree? Does that elevate the person’s status in society? Does you cooking or doing laundry or being able to clean the house elevate your status in society? Of course not, it doesn’t. It doesn’t elevate anyone’s status. This does not only go for women only, it can go for men too but I, myself, I have not come across men with this type of belief or emphasis on a degree compared to women.
None of us know what type of blessings we have in the future. Someone can promise you a certain thing or give you their word but the blessings do not come from them. The blessings we have today, do not even come from ourselves, so to think to the extreme where the person will not be able to provide for you is bananas! If you have a certain type of living requirement, where your parents have made it accustomed to you and you would prefer that type of lifestyle, that is great, wonderful but that is not a guarantee. When people do that, they only prolong and delay getting married. They are so hyped to get married but they want a man to have a car, make $60,000 a year, is handsome, has hair, is built with popcorn muscles, is a hero, is able to ride horses and rescue you from thieves, blow into fire and put it out. Obviously, I am being sarcastic but some of the things people think of and look for is just crazy!
Islam has made it so simple but we as people make it so hard. You have to think to yourself carefully, in this world, yes, the money will be able to buy me so many things but will money give me a key to paradise? Money can get you car keys, keys on the black market, piano keys, door keys even sour keys but buying a key to paradise? If you can buy it, let me know, so I can buy one too but we can’t. We need to put more emphasis on the deen (religion) instead of the education, degrees. Everyone wants someone who is educated, nobody wants someone who is, how can I say it in a nice way….. a door knob but if your thing is a degree, 6 figures, nice house, 5 cars, you are only going to delay and delay and delay. In the documentary I just watched, one of the women wanted a man who is a doctor and she is a doctor too, so if the man is a doctor, she can quit her doctor job and live to be a doctor through her doctor husband. C’MON SON! It’s ridiculous.
Why make it so hard? Not only women. What you are reading may come off as biased but I am speaking to the general audience, to Abdul, Robert, Fatimah, Ashley and every other name out there. Don’t make marriage so hard and complicated. Don’t put some much pressure on yourself to live up to your parents expectations. Your parents are always going to expect the best for you, ALL the time but you as someone who is open minded should know the reality of these things, especially living in the west or maybe not even in the west, or an igloo. Some of our parents do carry these traditional packages that they gift wrap and hand off to the kids and as they grow older, that package unfolds and develops their thinking, only to be, truthfully saying this, as close minded. Whether it comes to marrying a person who is black, white, yellow, blue, orange, chips a’hoy coloured or as green as a leprechaun suit. Islam doesn’t come with these wild stipulations, so why put them on yourself, when Islam has been easy, and balanced for us to understand?
Maybe I do speak out of frustration or maybe I am just speaking because there are too many single people complaining and not enough people dropping their expectations to make things work. Islam should be number one your list. If you two are compatible, you ignite, there is the fire inside of you after Ishtikhara has been made, with the decision that this is the right person, then go for it. Don’t hesitate, thinking back and forth. Will I live in a box or live in a mansion like Carlton, Ashley, Hilary and Will?Leave that in the hands of Allah. That is why ishtikhara is there. It is there to guide to you. If the right feeling is there, that eh, maybe this person is the one go for it but if there isn’t a level of attraction, then don’t it cause you want to be attracted to your spouse as well. Be resonable with what you want in the other person.
I promise, after I get married or even now, you need some advice, i will help singles get married and do my best to make them understand, that these wild, expectations are only going to hurt you in the long run because as you age, it will become more and more difficult as you look for Dr Hibert or Donald Trump or Richie Rich, you were looking for. This is not an aim at the south asian community or anyone. It is just to help others understand, some of the frustrations and limitations, and over expectations our society has embedded into the minds of those are truly genuine with their intention but constantly battle the negative thoughts, that shouldn’t be there in the first place.