I had just finished reading an article titled “Whats Love Got To Do With It” by Abu Esa Niamatullah and he touched on a few things in that article about pre-marriage and marriage. I will post a link at the bottom. As many of you know from my writings, I seem to write a lot about marriage for some odd reason but it just seems to happen. Abu Esa had touched on quite a few things in that article which I found to be really true. So I thought, I’d just share my opinion which was influenced and inspired by that article.
What he says in the article is true. Those that marry for looks and wealth, eventually vanish. It is the same as owning a vehicle that has first come out. The ride is fly and the interior is dope. The perks that come with it are great. Heated and leather seats, GPS and all that but once you’ve spent enough time with it, there is another vehicle out there that is better than that so you part ways with that vehicle and go buy another one. The “love” for it fades and another new love grows for something else because you’ve only looked at the physical part of the car, people in general buy cars because of how it looks.
It’s the same when it comes to a spouse. After looking at her/him a million times, you say masha’Allah, you are beautiful/handsome. After spending the wealth, you say, masha’Allah, you are very wealthy but if there is nothing else that comes with them, then you’ve pretty much lost yourself, hurt yourself and hurt them because it’ll more than likely go no where else and the marriage itself will fade, just like clothes that have been washed several times.
When you do find someone as Abu Esa has said in the article, that fears Allah and has not been touched by another man, coming out of heart breaking relationships you will possibly be in good hands but this does not mean, you will not have issues or the marriage itself will be successful because Allah is the best of planners and the test that come in marriage itself, no one knows and no one knows the strength of a person either and how they will deal with things when there comes a point in that relationship pressure is put on and the pipes are about to burst.
If you want to marry someone who has a degree or has a PhD because you’ve attained one, feel free to marry that person who also has one because you want the best for yourself. Don’t just set up things where if the person who has everything about them that you like but doesn’t have a PhD don’t just turn that person down. A person with or without a degree shouldn’t be a measuring stick in marriage if that person has everything you have been looking for. As he also touched in his article, it has become the main reason men go back home to their countries marrying someone who probably does not hold a degree or is not as educated as someone in their current city. They feel this woman will not shoot him down and he can be the man on throne and can’t be challenged by someone who may be more intellectual than him and will just do as he pleases. It is a pretty close minded reason to do so to take advantage of someone who has not been given the means to educate themselves compared to people who have had it handed to them. I know parents who say, marry someone who is a door knob because she will do whatever you want and won’t challenge you. That is also close minded and thinking low of a person and also taking advantage of them, which we shouldn’t do. The less one knows, the less one will speak and just obey. Isn’t it what the media expects of us? The government as well? That’s a different topic, of course.
He also touches on married couples compromising. If you cannot compromise even a few things in marriage, you will cause so many problems for yourself in the marriage. You will cause so many issues that shouldn’t even be there. Marriage is always going to be about two people. Your parents may have given you everything and always given you your way because you’ve cried and pouted but it isn’t going to work the same here when you are married. More than likely, that person won’t take your crap eventually and then may end up leaving you or they’ll be distant from you. You’ll still live in the same house but will be distant. That relationship will start to crumble, so you must learn to compromise. Your wishes, your own desires may end up becoming secondary as your decisions will either make that person happy or will anger that person. It becomes a thinking game. It becomes what is more important and who is more important? Although one must not sacrifice their Islam nor compromise their Islam for anyone, no matter what the situation is. Put the egos, the pride aside and learn to work together. All teams that have won championships won because they have learned to work together. No team in the history of any sport has won because of just one single person. A person on the team may be the star player but it took team work, communication, practice to be a championship quality team.
Learn to also appreciate your significant other. Say a few good words whenever you feel it should be said. If your wife looks beautiful, say you look beautiful. If your husband looks handsome, say he is handsome. If you love your husband, say I love you. If you love your wife, say I love you. If you find something your wife wears and you think she looks like the moon in the sky, which is amazingly beautiful, ask her to wear it and compliment her. Same can be said about your husband. I know Mufti Menk posted a status today about women not dressing up in their homes but get dressed up to leave the house without their husbands. It’s because the husbands have not taken the time to even look at their wives and give her a compliment, so she is out getting compliments and gazes from other people. I remember in a lecture a husband had never complimented his wife cooking in 25 years and the lecturer had given a compliment about the food and the wife started crying. He had asked her, why are you crying? She said, in the 25 years I have been married, my husband has never complimented my cooking and here you are, the first day eating my food and you’ve told me it’s good. Don’t shy away from these moments because your spouse does want to feel appreciated, women more in general. They know they are loved but they want to be told they are loved. Just as Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) had to confirm that the Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him) had loved her. She would ask: “How is your love for me?” The Messenger Of Allah would reply, “like the rope’s knot.” Even many times after she would ask, “how is the knot?” and again, he would reply, “the same as ever!” So take the opportunity to reassure to your wife you love her even though there are many things you may do, that shows you love her. Women love to hear the words that they are loved, so say it. Women are created differently from men.
In the end, just be patient. New marriages are just like new jobs. It takes patience and it takes time for everything to fit together. You won’t get along with your new co-workers just as yet but once you make that effort to get to know them, it’ll eventually work. Same as marriage. You must constantly make that effort and always be willing to take an extra step forward to make things right., for everything to fit and not everyday will be like the first day of marriage and not everyday will be you two fighting but if you are two willing to look past the smaller issues and just really and truly work together and love each other for the Sake Of Allah, Insha’Allah, things will work.